My life....

I can see what’s happening all around me. The looks of my friends and family, as they question what is going on between us. But they never ask out loud, as if they are scared to shove me out of the good mood I have been in lately. They can see the difference in me now; it’s clear and right in their faces. I’m happy. I’m happy for the first time in so long that I don’t want to count it.

Even though I know my happiness will be short lived, happiness of this greatness is always short. It will be like shooting up; I’m going to feel great at first. Like the whole world is right there at my fingers tips and I can reach out and do whatever I want with it. And it will all end it a great battle of lights and sounds, it will end.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind there is a voice warning me of the crash. It will come, maybe not tomorrow or the next day or even that day after that. But in a few months it will come, and when it does it going to kill me. Not literally but inside me it’s going to be the end all be all of this high. It will come crashing down around me like a million jagged edges, cutting my skin until not one itch is free of cuts.

It will be like the big finish of a great movie, the ending of an epic film. With your favorite heroine, the one you have grown to love, the one who you can relate with. She will be standing there at the end, but not with the love of her life at her side no. Her love will be somewhere else, the sun will not be shinning, and the sky will be dark. And she will be alone, in the center down on her knees trying to pick up the little pieces of her heart, soul, and sanity from the ground. Only the pieces won’t match, and some of her heart will be in with soul, and she will no longer be able to put them back together.

So to solve this problem, to make the end not so epic, not so damaging to the heroine as a person.But at this point already seems entirely impossible. But in a vain hope to save her sanity, the heroine and her lover do not label what they are doing. Because the pain then will be less when her lover is gone.

You know we're not talking about the heroine in a movie, we're talking about me. No he said it would not hurt as much if we didn’t get back together, I on the other hand am pretty sure all the damage has been done.

Still we insist on not naming it a label because it will hurt less that way, but right now it looks like it could only hurt more. Right now whenever I go home, everything seems so much colder. Nothing can warm me up anymore, not clothes not blankets, just…skin on skin. With the cold comes the ache deep in my bones, with the small promise of relief because there is a chance I will see you tomorrow.

So I stand with the so called heroine hand in hand we can only stare at the cross in the road, unsure of which way we are meant to go. How could something that feels so good right now, something that makes me feel whole. Be so horrible for me in the end, I know it’s going to end horribly, but right now I hold on to it with all I have left inside me