Second Semester

I landed in Michigan, three week after second semester started. I had my mom and Chester and was ready to face all of this. Tyler picked us up from the airport and everything seemed fine. I was laughing and talking the entire way there. This was the first day, since I could remember that I have not cried. I got to East Lansing and had to face my roommates. They had absolutely no idea what was going on. Once I settled in, I asked if I could talk to them and explain everything that was going on with me. I told them everything, I had major depression order, I was on medication and simply could not function by myself. I was so nervous, what if they were going to judge me, or say that I'm making all of this up, that I just wanted attention. We talked for over three hours and I got the exact opposite response that I was expecting. They were the most understanding and supportive people that they could have been. They were so welcoming to my mom and said they would help me in every way possible. My next step was now getting myself to class. I still remember heading to my first class that semester. I cried 2 times before I even left the house and cried on the car ride over. And on my way to class, I remembered that my whole frat was in this class. How was I suppose to face them. My eyes were swollen from crying and I could not stop shaking. How was I suppose to answer all of these questions about where I was, what's wrong with my "stomach" and about my winter break. I sat quietly the entire time in class, I could not stop shaking and was counting down the minutes until it was over. I managed to survive my first class back at school. Within that first week, I went to see my horse, hoping that riding would lift up my mood. I was wrong, I did not enjoy riding one single bit and just wanted to go home. It was the strangest feeling that something I loved to do, did not even make me smile. Over the next week, my mom was shoving food down my throat, dressing me and making sure I was going to class. I could not wait until she would leave so I didn't have to obey to all of her rules and just lay in bed. She left to go back to California and I was on my own. Over the next few weeks, I skipped class, stayed in bed, cried every few hours, didn't brush my teeth or shower and I did not eat. I had to drink Boost and Ensure three times a day because my body was shutting down. I could not even go grocery shopping myself or sit in a restaurant. It was all too much for me. But I managed to get up every morning to walk Chester. That was the one thing that I was able to do. Over the next few weeks, my roommates made sure I was eating, going to class and getting out of bed. Maggie and Alex wrote me notes and Teresa would cover my room with inspirational quotes every morning. All of these little things made such a big difference in my life. I found one way of coping with my depression a little bit and to get my mind off of it was arts and crafts. I would color daily and have little projects. It seemed all so childish, but it helped and that was all that mattered. I had my first exam coming up and I had no idea how I was going to take this. One of the things I struggled with the most with my depression, was being able to concentrate and memorize. I walked to class and had no idea how this was going to go. I got through half of the exam and just could not do it anymore. My mind was blank and I just wanted to cry. I was shaking so badly that I could not hold my pencil. My teachers knew that was going on with me, so I got the courage to get up and talk to my professor. I explained to him that I just could not complete this test, I broke down in tears. He was the most understanding and considerate person. He said that it was okay and that I would have other arrangements for the class. I did not need to complete these tests. I walked out being defeated and like a failure. I used to be so smart and now I couldn't even complete an exam. February, is when things got really bad. It got to the point where I wore the same outfit for a week straight, and tyler had to force me in the shower. He had to force food into me and had to physically change me. I became a walking zombie. I had absolutely no emotion, no energy and no desire to live. My mom flew back out because my depression was getting even worse. One night, the fraternity was having a mixer at Los Tres and I thought I had the energy to go. But once the time came to actually go, there was no way I was going to go. Tyler went out again without me and my roommates were at the basketball. I heard the door open and I was so excited that my roommates were home, then I found out that they were also heading to Los Tres for drinks. The second they said that, something in my brain just switched so quicky. I was suppose to be there, with my frat and my friends and enjoying being a college student, but I could not even get myself dressed. How pathetic was I. Within that moment, I broke down into tears and I had absolutely no desire to live. My mom watched me as I broke down and picked up the phone to call my therapist. The next 20 minutes I spent crying on the phone with my therapist and telling her that I did not want to live anymore. I just wanted everything to end. She wanted me to go to the hospital, but since my mom was there she knew that I would be safe if she didn't leave my side. So I crawled into bed and my mom slept next to me the entire night. I woke up the next morning and everything from the next before felt like a movie. All of those thoughts and feelings didn't seem like they were mine. We increased my dose in medication and I was getting slightly better. I convinced my mom that it would be okay if she left again because I was starting to do better again. She stayed for another two weeks taking care of me. She told Tyler about how serious my depression was and how I wanted to take my own life. Tyler took all my medication out of my room and made sure that I did not have anything that would allow for me to follow through with it. One of the most vivid memories I have through all of this, was that my big Hayley stopped by to see how I was doing. She knew kinda what was going on. She gave me a pint of ice cream and a note. She left and I went in the kitchen to finish unpacking my groceries with my mom. I remember I read the note, collapsed on the ground and into a million tears. I was a completely different person and I couldn't function on my own. I was hiding this huge secret from everyone and was living in the dark. I had my whole junior year of college taken away from me. March was quickly approaching and I was planning on going to Punta Cana for Spring Break. My mom did not think it was a good idea and neither did my therapist and psychiatrist. Besides, the depression, I was having liver problems, I wasn't sleeping and I had these terrible headaches. My liver was acting up because within those 2 months I went through 7 different medications. It was the week before I was suppose to leave and I was slowly getting ready and I convinced my parents that I was okay to go. Two days before I was suppose to leave, I was having a rough day. I wasn't having great thoughts and I was scared out of my mind that I had these. I texted tyler if he could come over and not leave my side for the day. Of course he came over, but I was not the best company. I wouldn't talk and I was mean to me. The entire time I was trying to get myself to tell him how I was really feeling. How was I suppose to look him in the eyes and tell him that I don't want to be alive. I tried telling him three times but could not get the words out. I was so mean to him that he went back home. I called my mom and just broke down. Telling her how I was not okay and that I needed help. She called Tyler and told him everything and to take me to the hospital. He rushed back over and talked to me. I knew I had to go to the hospital because I was scared for my own life. He drove me to the ER and I spent the next 8 hours there. I ended up being transported to the local PSYCH hospital where I had to stay the night. I was so scared but I knew I needed to be in a place where I knew I was safe. My mom took the red eye out and sped over the PSYCH hospital. She was there at 6am and I ran into her arms. The look on her face was heart breaking. Her little girl was in a hospital because she did not want to be alive. That's how bad my depression was. It completely consumed my head. Thankfully, the psychiatrist there released me and I went home. I was suppose to fly to Punta Cana the following day. My mom did not even dare to let me think that I was going to go. But I knew that I just needed to get away, I needed to get away from everything and I need to just feel normal again. So I packed my stuff and was heading to Punta Cana. I was in contact with my mom, dad, and therapist every single day. I was doing so unbelievably well until the second to last day. We were on a booze cruise and I wasn't allowed to drink. Being on this booze cruise was a trigger for me. I found a spot on the side of the boat where I sat for the entire 4 hours. I could not get myself to move, I was frozen. Everyone was drinking and having a good time and I was stuck inside my own head. I was having thoughts about just jumping off the boat and ending it all. The one thing that stopped me from doing this was when Drew Johnson came over and sat right next to me. He sat there and just talked to me, like I was a normal human. And within that moment, he saved my life. And he has absolutely no idea that he did. And Drew I thank you with everything that I have, that you had the courage to just sit next to me and talk to me. If it wasn't for you, I'm not sure if I would be here right now. I came home from Spring Break and my life was slowing starting to be normal again. I found energy to get dress and go to class. I even went to some parties and socialized. These were all huge steps for me. I even notes in my phone that on April 13th I had a moment where I realized that I was getting better and I saw my old self coming back. My biggest fear was that I wasn't going to be me again, and I loved who I was before I was battling this. And I had this moment where I sat up a little straighter and had a smirk on my face cause I knew in that moment that I was getting better and that I was on my way on winning my battle with depression. But I struggled daily with finding happiness, sometimes I felt so alone and that I had no one to talk to. My depression had completely taken over my life. Why would Tyler want to be with someone who was like this and who would want to stop their life to keep me company. Some nights and days I had no one to turn too, expect for Chester. And we got through these tough times. Summer was approaching and it was time to go home. I was suppose to Study Abroad and live in Chicago and have an internship. But all of that changed because I had a chemical imbalance in my head. I dropped out of study abroad and knew I had to go home for summer and focus on my health. It was time to say goodbye to my roommates. I had the hardest time saying goodbye to Maggie and Teresa. These two girls saved my life. Completely and I own everything in the world to them. They have no idea how much they impacted me and that their actions towards me, gave me reasons to not end my life. These two girls gave me hope and with them by my side I got a little better. I love these two to death and they will forever be the people in my life who were there for me when I needed them the most. They were my support group and showed me hope and happiness. I was sad to leave East Lansing but knew I needed the summer to go home and get better. So I went home and did just that.

The End

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