Winter Break

I was ready to come home for winter break, but how I was suppose to tell my parents how I was feeling. That I was constantly sad, didn't want to get out of bed, found no purpose in life. I knew I needed to a therapist and talk all of this out before I even think about bringing it up with my parents. So basically, I told my mom and dad that my anxiety was getting worse again (which is somewhat true) and that I needed to see someone about it. They said okay, so that was an easy fix. I found a local therapist and had a session scheduled for the next day I got home. I went to my first couple of sessions and it was easily determined that I was going through major depression disorder. Now what does that even mean. Basically my brain decided that it did not want to produce enough serotonin, which results in being constantly sad and much more. We couldn't find a reason on why this all happened, and I was okay with that. Knowing the reason why, wouldn't fix anything. It is most likely genetic. We knew that I need medication to boost back up my serotonin, so I secretly made an appointment with a psychiatrist. Within, my first few sessions I kept telling my therapist about how I wanted to fix this and fast. I wanted to be better by the time I went back to school, which was 4 weeks. I was so sick and tired about how I was feeling and I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I thought 4 weeks, that more than enough time to fix my brian.. ha I was so wrong. I even went to therapy three times a week. What I struggled with the most was keeping this all from my family. I felt like I was holding this huge secret and that I had this giant wall up. My parents knew something was right with me. I become very snappy, I got irritated very very quickly and just got mean. My sister even picked up on it and constantly asked my mom what was wrong with me. But my therapist knew I had to tell my parents, because with having depression you need support and also I didn't want to take medication behind my parents back. So she suggested that my parents come to a therapy session with me and she would help me tell them. I have never been so nervous in my life. How was I suppose to tell my parents all of this, how are you suppose to tell the ones who you love so much that you are struggling to find happiness. How, how,  how. Than came the time when I had to tell them everything, how I wasn't happy, I wasn't enjoying things anymore and I was constantly crying. Throughout the whole hour my dad sat in silence and my mom was very happy that I went and got help. She knew something wasn't right and that everything will be okay, I found help and that is the most important step in all of this. I walked out of the room and felt this huge sigh of relief. I did not have to hide this secret from my parents anymore and that they were okay with everything that was going on. I now had their support and that was the most important thing. For the next few days, my mom stuck by my side always making sure I was okay and my dad called me every few hours. Once Christmas came around I was going on a cruise with Tyler's family. I was beyond nervous because I was nowhere near my usual self and I wasn't looking forward to spending all this time away from home. I went to bed early on the cruise and constantly complained that I was tired. This was a trip of a lifetime and I could not get myself to enjoy it. I was always this adventurous person who loved going on trips and exploring. I just wanted the trip to be over and wanted to go home and be with my parents. Now the next step was going back to school and I knew I wasn't even ready for that. Two week before school would start, I still could not get myself out of bed, was crying 2 to 4 times a day, I completely stopped eating. It got to the point where I had to set an alarm for every three hours to remind myself to eat.  But the one thing I did every day was walk Toby every day up and down the trail. No matter how I was feeling. And every morning I would call Toby into my bed and snuggle with him for hours. One day, I was talking to my dad about how much I am going to miss having Toby and how much he is helping me. So he suggested that I could get my own dog. As soon as he said that, it was the first time in a long time that I got a smile on my face. Now it was time to find a dog, I knew I wanted to rescue one. Through all the research and animal shelter visits, it gave me something to do and I was actually looking forward to something again. However, the actual effort it took to fill out adoption papers was extremely difficult. Anything that actually needed me to use my brain was nearly impossible for me to do. I would give up, shut down, get angry and run up into my room, lay in bed and just cry. I just could not do it. The second something got difficult, something inside of me just shut down. We finally found this white cute dog named "Chester" and I thought hey might as well fill out these papers (It is a lot harder than one thinks to adopt a dog). I struggled filling out the papers and my dad had to walk me through everything. It took me an hour to fill out my personal information on a 3 page sheet. My brain just was not there anymore. I got an email back saying that he was still available and that I could meet him this weekend. I was so excited and was hoping that this would be the one. I met him at a local Petsmart and held him so tightly. The second he was in my arms, I got this warm feeling inside of me. It was a very very long time since I actually felt something. Holding him I just knew everything was going to be okay. I could not stop smiling and I cried, but these were happy tears. I learned about Chester's story. About how he was a stray, in a kill shelter, and then rescued because they were going to euthanise him. In that moment I knew that if Chester could go through all of that and still be the happy dog he is, I can get through my depression and happiness will come. So I adopted Chester and he became my therapy dog. He gave me a reason to get out of bed, and he gave me hope. Now it was time to school, my therapist and psychiatrist both agreed that I was not ready and heading back to school would set back my process. So we decided that I would stay home for about another week before heading back for second semester. However, one week turned into a month. We rescheduled my flight three times because I refused to go back. I was so scared. I couldn't feed myself, I couldn't dress myself, shower myself, let alone get out of bed by myself, I was even sleeping every night in my parents room. How was I suppose to go back to school. I had to make the choice of either heading back to school soon or stay home for the semester. I wanted to stay home so badly, I was so scared of facing the world. But Tyler refused to let me stay home and if it wasn't for him I would have. He promised to take care of me and that everything would be okay. So I took his word and made the decision to go back for the rest of second semester. However, I knew I needed my mom with me. She was there supporting me the entire time and was making sure that I was eating, getting out of bed, showering. All of these little things that you do on a daily basis were so unbelievably difficult for me. I just could not do them. We decided that my mom would come stay a week with me to help me get readjusted to school and to make sure everything went okay. I mean I was getting a tad bit better. But now what do I tell everyone at school, how do I explain everything to my roommates. Depression is a topic that no one talks about, and it is something to be ashamed of. But it really isn't. I had a mental illness and I didn't choose for this to happen to me, it just did. But telling everyone I had major depression was not the thing to do. Depression is something that is very hard to understand. So simply telling everyone my stomach was acting back up again, was an easy solution to all of this. Before, I headed back to school all the fear settled in. What if I am never going to be the same person again. I saw no hope and no changing. I liked who I was and now I am a completely different person and I hated it. That was my biggest fear with all of this... Will I ever be the same person again.

The End

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