Allowing anger to get the best of you.
Falling, So far down.. if I had only stopped to pay attention. I was given the chance to make it right but, my anger got the best of me.
I was a milquetoast, demure, quiet, shy. My motto was, "treat all people nice" but, I was never treated that way. I was laughed at because of my thick bifocals, because of my red hair or because of my height 6ft. I took it all in stride and told myself, it would get better as time went along. It didn't get better, I found the people I worked with, the adults, were worse than any of the kids I had gone to school with. They actually, ate, hid or, put things in my food. They rigged the water cooler to run all over the floor, soon as I touched the spigot.
One tripped me, really tripped me causing me to fall on my face, since my hands had been full, no way to break the fall but, I did break my nose. It was terrible going back, my nose was twice it's normal size and, if I tried to breathe through it, it made a very high pitched whistling sound.
Someone had left the book on my front step. It had been wrapped in brown paper, tied with string, the only writing on it, was my name.
In the bathroom, I unpacked my nose, cleaned the blood that had caked around the sides, ran a bath and just soaked.
I allowed the tears to fall free, I allowed a moment of feeling sorry for myself and why shouldn't I? I couldn't help how I looked, I couldn't do anything about my height, I couldn't see without my glasses, unfortunately I inherited my poor sight from my parents. It was like I had been created on god's bad day with the left overs, the dregs, whatever was in the bottom of the barrel. I soaked, I cried, I wished, I prayed.
I didn't eat very much, it was hard to chew with your mouth open. I grabbed the book and tore the string off.
It was leather bound, it had some sort of symbols on it's cover, something that was vaguely familiar. I opened it to see creatures of all sorts, winged, clawed, fire breathing, water bending, some were horned some, were split hooved.
The funny thing is, it didn't repulse me, it drew me in, it seemed the creatures were talking to me. It seemed they were telling me, they were my friends.
Although the writing looked strange, I could understand every word.
1st night: I read all night, the first part of the book dealt with positive reinforcement. I read, my total concentration focussed on the book. My eyes started to water, I took off my bifocals to wipe them, I dropped the glasses, no that wasn't exactly true, they were pulled from my hand and slammed down on the floor, they broke. I became frantic, I couldn't see without them but, wait, actually, I could.. I could see very well, I could see every word in the book, everything in my house, I could see it all. Suddenly, I was tired, so very tired, I fell asleep in the chair, with the book in my lap.
2nd night: Work today was a little less stressful than usual, now they all just wanted to know when did I get my contacts, I didn't. I couldn't wait for quitting time. I wanted to get home to my book.
Walking in the door, something was different, it was cold. I turned on the heat, never thinking anything of it, I wanted to get back to the book. Once again, I read all night. The next chapter was a positive image.
Morning,, and my image was amazing, I looked in the mirror, I just stood, I just stared, that wasn't me in the mirror.. no I had big bifocals and long red hair that was so thin, you could almost see my scalp. That wasn't what I saw. My green eyes sparkled, my hair fell down my back, luxurious, thick tresses, something I had always longed for. I had no reason to run a comb through it, I just let it fall, ran my fingers through it, did my usual morning things, took one more look in the mirror and walked out the door.
Hmm, I was going to have to get used to this, men falling over themselves to open the door for me. I was sick with the new found power, I dropped things, I announced I had forgotten my wallet, so I wouldn't be able to buy lunch, they almost killed themselves taking my order. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the women, they were not happy. What they didn't understand was, I didn't care if these bastards catered to me, I loathed them all.
These were the same ones that would see me with an arm full of books or files and hold the door open until I got right up to it and then let it go, these were the same ones that had participated in the laughter when I was tripped and when someone had put feces in my lunch bag. They didn't understand how much I HATED them all!
LAST DAY: Descent, down, so fast, so far down. The soul came to me and warned me about the book. There was no listening, not for me. I was drunk on the power, I was breathing in the hypnotic effects of murder, they had wronged me and I didn’t mind that I had blood on my hands. I watched them all, each one meet his or her doom. The car accident, the empty elevator shaft, the falling pane of glass. It gave me chills, it made me giddy, I saw the fear in their eyes when I passed by, divine pleasure. They knew I was doing it but, they couldn’t prove it.
The soft down of wings touched my face, it sent a shock through my system, she warned,, “If you don’t cease your rampage, you will lose your soul.” I didn’t care about that.
Now I do, the torment, the pain and twisting inside me. Everything is dark, I see no light not of bulb nor sun. I begged please, the horned creature bared its fangs and laughed breathing sulpher in my face.
Here I am, no way back, just my descent into the abyss. I look for my god, how I want to tell him, I'm sorry, please forgive me but, he sees me as foul, something detestable to him, something dirty in my unholy alliance, still I try but, my prayer has blistered my lips. Amen!