my biggest fear

Hey there, Emma B here.  Just taking a little time out from Tagged, and this story caught my eye.  My biggest fear....

My biggest fear is about love.  When I was little my father developed Munchausen-by-proxy, an odd and nasty little syndrome where he systematically poisoned me for five years, craving the attention and power that my being in hospital gave him.  I believed he loved me for a long time, even after the diagnosis was made, but it was years later before I understood the diagnosis.  And it was then that I questioned his love for me.

My mother must have been complicit, so what does that say about her love for me?

And so I fear.  I fear that anyone who loves me has an ulterior motive, and I worry, deeply, that anyone I love will be someone who will hurt me.  It makes me hard to be around sometimes; my first boyfriend lasted barely three weeks before I threw him, wet and naked, first out of the shower and then out of the flat.  I regretted it later, but I never stopped thinking that he'd been about to hurt me.

My last boyfriend, Joel, split up from me because his mother didn't think I was good enough for him.  They're Jewish and I'm not, and that matters to her.  I didn't think it mattered to him, but apparently it did.  Although now I'm not so sure again; I'm starting to think that our break-up was a whole lot more complex than I got told about.

I have a pet lizard too, and I'm pretty sure that he loves me unconditionally.  I can accept love from an animal, but not from a human.  My fear debilitates me.  My fear drives me on though; I substitute work for love, I substitute activity for love, and I never, ever turn my head and look to see if I got it right.  I always keep going forwards, always moving on to the next thing, never giving love space to catch me up.

The End

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