Once upon a time when pigs were swine and monkeys chewed tobacco and little boys wore feathers in their hats to see which way the wind blew there was a rabbit. Her name was Bunny Form. She lived on a chest of drawers in Jonty's flat.
Bunny Form is incredibly beautiful. She is probably the most beautiful toy in the world – and she knows it.
Today was a Sunday. Bunny Form put on her best hat and went to church as she did every week. Inside her local church there were pictures in the stained glass windows of a big blue Emu. Rays of sunshine came pouring in through the glass and illuminated the altar where the vicar stood. He handed out hymn books to all the congregation so that they could all sing praises to Emu. Bunny Form sang and smiled as she listened to her own beautiful voice. It was the loveliest sound she could imagine.
Suddenly, the pleasant atmosphere was spoilt as a growling sound rang through the building and the church began to fill up with foul-smelling smoke. Everyone knew who was responsible – it was Munkitty Tunkitty, a bad-tempered monkey who lived a few miles away and who had decided to make them all choke as he didn’t believe in Emu and therefore couldn’t see why anybody else should be allowed to.
“I’m going to smoke them out,” came Munkitty Tunkitty’s voice from outside.
The vicar’s eyes narrowed. “We have come to that time again,” he began, “when our charity towards others is tested to the full by certain individuals with their infernal contraptions. We must face this type of interference in a spirit of love, forgiveness…”
“Shut up, you old idiot,” snarled Munkitty Tunkitty, opening the narthex entrance wider to let more fumes in.
The congregation poured out, covering their mouths with their handkerchiefs. Every one of them looked cross apart from one animal. You know who that was, don’t you? That’s right – it was Bunny Form. She smiled a delightful smile and patted Munkitty Tunkitty on the top of his head (for she was much bigger than he) and said, patronisingly, “Ah, dear little monkey. I know what this is all about. You’re madly in love with me, aren’t you? So you drove your Pollutamobile here to impress me. How sweet. You obviously want to marry me. But I’m afraid there’s someone else who loves me more than you can know.”
With that, she walked off smiling, leaving Munkitty Tunkitty furious. “RAGE!” he shouted, stamping his raisin feet and swishing his zany tail.
The next day, there was a knock at Bunny Form’s door.
“Come in,” she smiled.
It was Alien. He was tall and green with very long boneless arms and legs which he could wrap around in the most extraordinary way.
“Ah, hello,” he said, coming in and sprawling on one of Bunny Form’s chairs without being invited.
“You’re probably wondering why I’m green. Well, you see, it’s a very very strange and mysterious thing – I’m an alien. Only this morning, I was walking along the road and my legs were going over my head at each step and it was a very very strange thing and it was like, ‘oh, each step I take my foot goes over my head. Why’s that?’ Well you see it’s because… I’m an alien…”
Alien carried on finding new ways of explaining in his high-pitched voice that he was an alien for half an hour. Most toys would have thrown him out long before then but Bunny Form let him carry on.
“I know why you’ve come to see me, darling, and you’re obviously trying to find the right words – you’ve been totally bewitched by my beautiful banana nose and you want to get married to me. That’s so adorable…” she gave him a patronising pat on the top of his oddly-shaped green head “…but I’m happy just as I am, thank you. There’s somebody who loves me more than you can know.”
She then offered her guest some tea and biscuits but he refused as they weren’t slimy enough and went back to his own house (which lay, of course, underneath a table with a model of a disused station on it).
Bunny Form awoke the next day to hear the sound of a television going. Jonty was watching it. It was an advert. It sounded as though the people were all singing Bunny Form’s name: "Oh, Bunny Form - Bunny Form for you," it sounded like to the gorgeous rabbit. Smiling modestly, she sang along too, just to keep all of her many fans happy. She didn’t realise that it was a television and that the advert was about something totally different.
Bunny Form soon had to buckle down as she had her exams coming. She wanted to get a B in every subject. B meant that you were clever, but not too clever; it also sounded like “beautiful”, “banana” and “Bunny Form”.
When the results dropped through the letter box, she looked at them in alarm. Cousin Bunny Form (she's Bunny Form's cousin), who has no need of legs as she glides along on her lovely blue dress like a hovercraft, was with her.
“Oh, I’m too nervous – I can’t open them!” said Bunny Form.
“Would you like me to read them out, dear?” asked Cousin Bunny Form.
“Ooh, yes, please!” said her cousin, putting her dainty little paws over her great big black saucer-like eyes.
“Ahem,” began Cousin Bunny Form, gliding across to the letters and opening them one by one.
“In Astronomy, you’ve got a B,” she said.
“Oh, good,” replied Bunny Form, her large alluring eyes still hidden.
“In Middle Breton, you’ve got a B,” continued Cousin Bunny Form.
“Oh, how lovely!” said Bunny Form.
“And in Home Economics… oh, well done, Bunny Form! You’ve got an A.”
“What?” exclaimed Bunny Form, taking her pretty little paws away from her almost illegally beautiful face, “I didn’t want that – I wanted another B!”
“But why? You’ve done better than a B this time.”
“Yes, but it makes me look like a boring swat – I thought it would be really cool to have a whole bunch of lovely bananary Bs – I don’t want some stupid carroty A spoiling the collection. I can’t paste that up on the wall, now, can I?”
Cousin Bunny Form was at a loss for words and left her stunning cousin pacing her house, twitching her cotton tail irritably and trying to smooth down her porridgy fur as she composed herself ready for her meeting with the examiners the next day. Suppose they didn’t grant her what she wanted? She thought worriedly about what would happen to her. Instead of her gorgeous long salady ears hanging down coolly over the sides of her eyes, giving her that extra bit of mystery, would she have to wear them tied up in a bun like a boring librarian now she’d got her A?
The next morning, she awoke less sure of herself than usual and made herself some banana porridge for breakfast to help to make her complexion even more beautiful. She then marched along towards the examiners’ office.
By and by she met Orange Bear (aka Bear).“Can I licks your banana noses with me lucky green tongues, Bunny Forms?” he asked. Instead of the usual patronising pat on the head, Bunny Form looked slightly annoyed. “Not now, Bear,” she snapped and carried on on her way. She passed Munkitty Tunkitty still shouting about the disgraceful price of Extra-Leaded petrol these days but decided totally to ignore him.
Presently she came upon an old oak tree with a secret door in it. She knew that this was where the SEG Examination Board lived. She knocked and entered.
“What can we do for you, Miss…?” began one of the examiners.
“Form,” she answered, “Bunny Form. But you can call me… Bunny Form.”
“Well, Miss Bunny Form, congratulations on your Home Economics. An A, ay? Very good, what?”
“But I didn’t want that,” she complained, “I wanted a B.”
“Ha ha! Now, you’ve done really well – go and have a drink with your friends.”
“I don’t want that – I want another B.”
“I don’t know what you’re playing at, young lady, but I am very busy…”
“It’s very cute, the way you’re trying to flatter your way into my affections by giving me an A, but there is one who loves me more than you can know,” said Bunny Form.
The exam board man went bright red. “I… I … I don’t know what you mean,” he stammered.
“I want another B,” persisted Bunny Form.
“You can’t have one. You’ve got an A. That’s final."
“I… want… another… B!” shouted Bunny Form, bashing the table as she spoke. Eventually, the man from the exam board gave way, realising that nobody messed with Bunny Form. He needed to recover after little encounter so he placed his timetable-themed pillow on his hammock, covered himself with his duvet (which was beautifully decorated with colourful reproductions of Second Year Exam Clash notifications from 1973) and went to sleep.
Bunny Form went home delighted. She’d got three Bs.
“La la la la, la la la la la la!” she sang. She saw Orange Bear again.
“Hayo, Bunny Forms!” he said. “Can I licks your beautiful banana noses with me lucky green tongues?” he asked.
“Of course, darling!” she answered. She waited patiently until Bear had finished licking her nose before carrying on on her way.
By and by, she passed Munkity Tunkitty. “WOUND!” exclaimed Munkitty Tunkitty furiously. “My bloody Pollutamobile’s up the spout – I’m going to be late for work."
“Don’t worry, monkey, I’ll help you,” said Bunny Form sweetly as she fixed the engine for him. She even laughed as he shouted, “You great white loony!” out of the window at her before he zoomed off.
“How sweet – he’s too proud to admit that he loves me – he’s trying to cover it up! But I can never marry him – oh no, for there is somebody who loves me more than he can ever know."
Alien had been listening and came floating towards her upside down.
“Now, you may be wondering how I’m able to float about like this,” began Alien.
“I know, darling – it’s because you’re an alien.”
Alien looked really startled.
“Ye… oh, it’s like I’m telling you I’m an alien and you knew I’m an alien and it’s like… oh, it’s a very very strange and extra-terrestrial thing. Now, tell me something…” For the first time that she could remember, Alien was looking a bit embarrassed, “what is this Earth emotion I’ve heard so much about called ‘love’?
“Well,” explained Bunny Form, patting Alien on the head and sitting caringly down next to him. “It’s when you care for someone else more than you do for yourself. It’s when you feel incomplete without that person being in the room with you. It’s when you think someone’s got such a beautiful banana nose that it drives you completely mad and you want to marry them immediately but the vicar keeps saying he’s busy."
“So… well, what I was wondering was…” began Alien, looking down at his four-toed right foot, “who is this person we all keep hearing about who loves you very very much more than anyone else can know?”
And I’m sure you’ve guessed who it is, haven’t you?
“It’s me,” said Bunny Form. “I'm planning to get married to myself. Oh, how lovely!”