Once upon a time when pigs were swine and monkeys chewed tobacco and little boys wore feathers in their hats to see which way the wind blew there was an alien. His name was Alien. He lived on a chest of drawers in Jonty's flat.
Well, that’s wrong for a start. He isn’t really called Alien. He’s actually called Brrt Brrt Črrt Čwaat. Can you say that? No? Well, not many people can say Brrt Brrt Črrt Čwaat so he’s just known as Alien. Can you imagine why? That’s right – because he’s an alien.
One day Alien was making his breakfast. It was green Slime Muck.
“Er – oh no, this is a very very strange and unusual thing – er, oh no. No human would be eating a thing like this. I must be inhuman to be eating a thing like this and yet I’m eating a thing like this. Why’s that?” he asked himself worriedly. He took a look in the mirror.
“Er – oh no, there’s a green man and plus he looks very very strange and also he’s green and oh no and oh dear he’s an alien. I’d better hide.”
Poor Alien’s afraid of his own shadow – literally. He rang up Bear.
“Yeah?” said Bear when the ‘phone rang.
“Er – oh dear, it’s me. There’s a green alien near me and plus he’s green and it’s a very very strange and unusual thing and perhaps he’s out to get me…”
“Yeah,” said Bear. “I transfers your calls, I does, to someone who helps you. Ringing for yous.”
Bear put some music on next to the ‘phone and went to sleep.
Presently Kiki, the little purple teddy bear, came along to see why his large orange friend was sleeping with music playing so loudly next to him and the handset off the hook.
“Ooh, thit’s viry wrong of you – who’s on the ‘phone?”
“It be Aliens. He goes on about ‘I be an Aliens and I be real scareds’ and all thats.”
“Ooh, poor Eelien” said Kiki. “Lit me speak to him.” He grabbed the telephone. “Hilloo?”
“Er – oh, hello, yes, is that the UFO And Disturbing Things Really Strange Hotline About Scary Aliens?”
“Yis,” lied Kiki.
“It’s a very very unusual thing,” said Alien, “I think there might be some sort of extraterrestrial in here and it’s all very disturbing and strange…”
“Ooh, but thit’s you! Hee hee hee hee hee! Kiki’s lawfing it you!”
“Er – oh, it’s me? Oh, no – I’m an Alien!”
And the ‘phone went down.
“Thit’s how you deal with Eelien – a bit of Pseechology,” explained Kiki.
“Yeah, real good,” said Bear, who wasn’t really paying attention.
Within a day Alien had forgotten again and made a very bad mistake. He decided to ring Munkitty Tunkitty. Munkitty Tunkitty may be smaller than Bear, Kiki or Alien but the small brown woollen monkey has a furious temper and is not someone to get on the wrong side of.
“BUY!” snapped Munkitty Tunkitty into his golden ‘phone when it rang. He hung up. It rang again.
“SELL!” he shouted without listening to see who it was.
“SHUT UP!” he shouted when it went for the third time. He’d been responding to the telephone in that same sequence of three all day – “BUY!”, “SELL!” and “SHUT UP!” It seemed to be working – looking at his computer screen Munkitty Tunkitty realized he was making a lot of money.
“BUY!” he shouted into the telephone the next time. And on his screen the money started going down alarmingly.
“SELL!” he shouted the next time. And the prices of shares on his screen started tumbling still further.
“SHUT UP!” he shouted the third time, but this time he didn’t replace the handset. And the price of shares went into free fall. In a state of panic he decided to find out whom he’d just been shouting at.
“Who’s there?” he demanded.
“Ah, oh, well, you see it’s a very very strange and unusual thing, you see I’m green. Why’s that?” asked the permanently-worried tones of Alien.
“You stupid green idiot!” yelled the irate monkey. “Was that you the last two ‘phone calls as well?”
“Oh, er – yes, you see, most people can’t bend their legs behind their heads but I can and, well, you see, it’s a very very strange thing and I thought ‘this is a bit inhuman’…”
“SHUT UP YOU GREEN FOOL! Do you know what you’ve just done? You’ve just caused a Credit Crunch! It’s the worst one I’ve seen since 1929! How am I going to explain that to the President when he rings? I’ve got Senator McCain and Senator Obama on a conference call this afternoon. I’ve got Sarkozy patiently holding onto the other line. Oh, what a disaster area you are! RAGE! And you’re not even an alien, you pea-brained moron – why d’you think it says ‘Product of China’ on that tag sticking out of your tummy, you fraud? SEETHE! WOOOOOOUND! You’ve wrecked everything!” And Munkitty Tunkitty literally did a dance of pure rage on his office floor.
Two years later Munkitty Tunkitty was still fuming about his lost millions and decided that the other animals needed some discipline, particularly Alien. He would work up to Alien slowly, though.
Munkitty Tunkitty had been sneaking up behind Jonty, who had been watching an old series called “Henry VIII and his Six Wives” on DVD. Munkitty Tunkitty liked the way the King and his advisers spoke in it. Very strict; no nonsense; no mercy; very menacing. Munkitty Tunkitty thoroughly approved. “I’ll have some of that,” thought Munkitty Tunkitty wickedly.
The next day, Kiki B. Kackorney Esq. was getting ready for an evening of posh food with some decadent friends round at his place. He had been looking forward to it all day. There was a sharp rap at the door.
“Open up in the name of the King,” shouted Munkitty Tunkitty angrily from the outside.
“Hilloo?” squeaked Kiki pleasantly when he saw the little monkey. He then noticed Munkitty Tunkitty’s garb: he was wearing a floppy black hat, a long dark 16th-century cloak and had a golden chain around his neck. “Hee hee hee hee hee – Kiki’s lawfing it you!” he said.
“I shall stop your laughing, Sirrah! Stand aside, sir, and let me pass!”
So saying Munkitty Tunkitty swept into the room and handed Kiki a scroll of parchment.
“You have been indicted on a charge of High Treason,” he said grimly.
“Ooh, yis,” said Kiki politely, wondering how long this farce was going to go on.
“You will be taken for trial tomorrow. Start preparing your defence, won’t you?” he sneered before turning to leave.
“Ooh, thit’s awfully sceery,” said Kiki kindly.
Munkitty Tunkitty was satisfied – one scared customer, he thought.
Next stop: Bear.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
“Yeah?” said Bear as he opened his door.
“You have been indicted for High Treason,” said Munkitty Tunkitty importantly.
“Why you dresses like thats?” asked Bear. “You looks real weirds, you does.”
“I am about the King’s business, and you, sir, would do well to heed it.”
He turned to leave and then spun back in true 1970s TV acting style.
“And mark this well: when the bells of ST. Sepulchre’s toll GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!”
“Yeah, that be real good, that do,” said Bear, complimenting the rhyme.
Munkitty Tunkitty decided it was time to do a bit of telephone indicting as all this marching about was a bit tiring.
“Do I speak with the Lady Bunny Form?” he asked when the telephone was answered.
“Yes, dear,” said the most beautiful rabbit in the world.
“You, Madam, have been indicted on the most serious of charges – treason against the King’s Majesty.”
Bunny Form’s ‘phone also acted as a hair-dryer and as she’d only just shampooed her gorgeous long ears, Munkitty Tunkitty’s telephone call had come at a good time. She turned the volume up to “MAX” and held it away from her ear and let the mad monkey continue talking so that she could use the dryer function with all the hot air he was producing.
“Really, dear? I don’t remember anything like that.”
“GOD’S TEETH! Do not dispute this with me, Madam. I am a monkey and thou art but a wench.”
“Yes, darling,” she said. Her lovely long left ear was nearly done. “Can’t it just be Low Treason instead?”
“Oh, GOD’S WOOOOOOUNDS! You are indicted, Madam. Let this be a lesson to all who follow your dangerous and treacherous path! One of my officers will convey you to the Tower on the morrow.”
“Oh, how lovely – tharnk you!” said Bunny Form, trying her new posh voice out.
“Oh, no need to thank me, Madam. You will be rowed into Traitors’ Gate.”
“Oh, how exciting!” said Bunny Form.
Her ears were now done! Bunny Form replaced the receiver on its cradle.
Munkitty Tunkitty was furious. That great white loony of a rabbit hadn’t been scared at all. He’d have to try again with the others tomorrow.
Kiki had had a great party last night and was just sleeping off the Chablis when there came a pounding on his door.
“Hilloo?” he squeaked as he opened it.
“I am come, sir, to take you off to the Tower,” said Munkitty Tunkitty. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the pile of ash on the floor. Between all the burny bits were scraps of parchment with his handwriting on it – he’d spent ages putting that fake scroll together!
“God’s Teeth, sir! What has occurred here?”
“Will,” said Kiki, trying to think of a good lie. “Somebody keem here lawst neet ind, will, thee rolled it up and meed a long cigaritte out of it.”
“Somebody came here and used MY Indictment for Treason parchment as a roll-up?”
“Will, yis, sorry about thit.”
“It was you, wasn’t it? You smoked my Treason parchment, didn’t you?”
“Will, Ee suppose so! Sorry!”
“Oh, God’s WOOOOOOUNDS!” yelled Munkitty Tunkitty, stamping on the floor.
He went around to Orange Bear’s house, hoping to find him shaking with fear.
“Open up, sir, I am here on the King’s business! You’d better say your prayers…”
Munkitty Tunkitty was admitted and searched around for his parchment.
“Where is the scroll, you rogue?” he enquired.
“Oh, I runs out of lavatory papers and it be real goods what you gives me that what I doesn’t need to go to no supermarkets,” said Bear.
“I can’t believe this! You mean…?”
“Yeah – I done a poo poo on it and it do works real well what I flushes it down the lavatorys now – yeah. Bear.”
“Oh, God’s WOOOOOOUNDS! You – I’ll fix you for that!”
And he went storming round the corner to Alien’s house. If anyone would be frightened it would be him.
“Come on, open up.”
Alien’s worried face came round the door.
“Er – oh, hello, yes, there’s a bit of a problem here – you see, I’m green…”
“Stand aside, sir. You have been indicted on a charge of High Treason.”
“Er – OH NO!” said poor Alien, very scared indeed.
“I shall come on the morrorw to escort you personally to the Tower. Sleep well – IF YOU CAN! MA HA HA!”
And Munkitty Tunkitty strode along the corridor, laughing his evil laugh, his long sinister cloak trailing behind him.
Bear and Kiki walked past Alien later and saw him looking very upset indeed.
“Wee ore you so seed?” asked Kiki.
“Yeah – why you looks sad?” asked Bear.
“Oh – I’m very frightened because Munkitty Tunkitty came here and it was a very very scary and strange thing and – oh, he was working for the king and it was like ‘Er – oh no, you’ve committed treason!’ and I was like – ‘Er, oh no!’…”
“Ooh, don’t worry about him – he’s a silly monkey. You come with us,” said Kiki.
He, Bear and Alien went to a very secret place where there is a huge searchlight. Kiki shone it up into the clouds. A massive image appeared in the sky which could be seen for miles around. It was the image of a man lazing in the armchair with his slippers on.
Many miles away Kiki’s little red cousin, Corky, was asleep in his room in the Department of Unemployment. Suddenly alarm bells started going off and lights started flashing. He jumped out of bed and put on his Department of Unemployment Superhero’s cape. He slid down a poll and into the Thatchermobile and sped off to join Kiki.
“Hilloo, Kiki,” he said.
“Hilloo, Corky,” said his purple cousin.
“Hee hee hee hee hee!” they both giggled before getting very serious again.
“Now, who needs to be meed redundant?” asked Corky.
“It’s Munkitty Tunkitty agin,” sighed Kiki. “He keeps on indeeting people for Hee Treason ind he’s sceed Eelien here.”
Corky put on his most serious face.
Mango Teddy was having one of his endless board meetings.
Suddenly there was a pounding at the door.
“Hello?” he said, opening it to a very Tudor-looking Munkitty Tunkitty.
“You have been indicted for High Treason!” snapped Munkitty Tunkitty.
“Ah, well I’d have to run that by the Board, you see,” explained Mango Teddy.
“I shall come to take you to the Tower…”
There was another pounding at the door and Mango Teddy went to see who it was. It was Corky.
“Your jawb inds todee!” intoned Corky really slowly, pointing at Munkitty Tunkitty.
“RAGE!” said Munkitty Tunkitty, returning to his usual language.
“See good boy to your Earldom!”
“Goodbye, Earldom,” muttered Munkitty Tunkitty sulkily.
“See good boy to your cheen of office.”
“Goodbye, chain of office.”
“See good boy to your pawchments.”
“Your job his indid. Go home.”
Munkitty Tunkitty mumbled one last defiant “God’s WOOOOOOUNDS!” and trudged home slowly.
Alien slept better that night than he had for a long time.