Once upon a time when pigs were swine and monkeys chewed tobacco and little boys wore feathers in their hats to see which way the wind blew there was a monkey. His name was Munkitty Tunkitty. He lived in on a chest of drawers in Jonty's flat.
Like all of Jonty's toys he only got up during the night when Jonty was asleep.
One night he got up as usual when he heard the sounds of Jonty's snoring. He went to the bathroom, as he always did, and waited for his clockwork train, just like any other night. Jonty, as ever, had forgotten to wind it up and he had to walk to work.
"WOOOOOOUND!" he shouted, sticking his paw into the dip at the top of his head and making his whole head go round (he did this a lot when he was angry). "Rage! Wound! Wooooound! I'm so seething it makes me FURIOUS!"
He arrived in his office just as angry as ever. Something was different today, however, for on the floor were two sleeping teddy bears, one large and orange and one purple.
"What the... WOUND! Who are you?" he asked.
"'Ear me," said the orange bear, "Why you wakes us ups? We doesn't want none of thats - we tries to sleeps, we does."
"Hillo, you," said the purple one. "Whee ore you shouting? Wee treeing to sleep. Good neet."
"What's the matter with your English?" asked Munkitty Tunkitty.
"Will, Bee cawnt speak properly but Ee speak reelly reelly will. Good neet," said the purple bear and promptly started to snore again.
"I does," complained the orange bear, "I speaks Englishes real goods, I does, what Kiki don't speaks it real goods at all, he don't."
"Who's Kiki?" asked Munkitty Tunkitty.
"'E be the purple one what he do speak in a real 'igh-pitched voices, him do, what you can't 'ardly understands what he says. Good nights."
And the orange bear began to sleep as well.
"GET UP! GET UP!" shouted Munkitty Tunkitty, who was furious about the bears' behaviour."
The two bears got up and stared at Munkitty Tunkitty with their button eyes.
"Whee d'you keep on weeking us up?" asked Kiki.
"Who are you and what on Earth do you think you're doing sleeping on my office floor?"
"Will, Ee'm Kiki," said Kiki.
"And I's called Orange Bear," said the orange bear. "But peoples usually just calls me Bear, what I be a bear but I do be a orange one what peoples does calls me Orange Bear for my long names but often they just goes 'Bear' and I goes 'Yeah' what 'Bear' be shorters than 'Orange Bear' and I be a bear..."
Munkitty Tunkitty thought that this speech was likely to go on all day so he cut Bear off there and then.
"WOUND! I wish to hear no more of this DRIVEL! WHY ARE YOU IN MY OFFICE?? WOOOOOOUND!"
"'Ear me, 'e be a real cross monkeys, ain't 'e?" asked Bear.
"Hee hee hee hee hee," laughed Kiki. "Kiki's lawfing!"
"GET OUT! GET OUT! Go on, SHOO!" yelled Munkitty Tunkitty.
"But we comes to works for ye," complained Bear.
"Yis. Wee hee to work for you. Hee hee hee hee hee!" laughed Kiki.
"Oh, yes? What can you possibly do for me?" raged the angry little brown monkey.
"We does all sorts of real good things, innit?" said Bear.
"Such as?" asked Munkitty Tunkitty.
"We kin meek the tea!" said Kiki.
Munkitty Tunkitty agreed that the bears could stay if they made him cups of tea and generally made themselves useful.
He booted up his three computers. He used his right paw to work on one, his left paw to work on another and his tail to thrash about on the third. He also used his feet to make the pedals go up and down which made numbers go from one screen to another. Dark green numbers began to appear on a red screen. When you're working hard, do you like it if somebody brings you a nice drink? So does Munkitty Tunkitty. After half an hour he still hadn't got his tea.
"Where's my tea?" he wondered.
He searched the office. The bears were nowhere to be seen. He heard a snoring sound and opened up a cupboard. There was Kiki sleeping on the linen.
"SHEW! SHEW! SHEW!" snored Kiki.
"What... what the... WOOOOOOUND!" yelled Munkitty Tunkitty. "I've never been so cross in my LIFE! Where's my tea, you screeching nincompoop?"
"Tea? Ooh, yis please. Ee'd leek a cup of tea," squeaked Kiki.
"RAGE!" stormed Munkitty Tunkitty. "You're supposed to be working for MEEEEEE! WOUND!"
He heard more snoring coming from the CD-ROM cupboard.
"SNORES! SNORES! YEAH! SNORES!" snored Bear.
"WOOOOOOUND!" yelled Munkitty Tunkitty, opening the cupboard. "What on Earth are you doing, you great fat orange fool? I asked you to get me a tea HALF AN HOUR AGO! WOUND!"
"Dah!" said Bear. "I doesn't want none of thats- I likes Orange Squashes, I does. Tea be real rubbishes, it do."
"RAGE!" seethed Munkitty Tunkitty. "I wasn't asking YOU to get one for yourself, was I? I... WANT... SOME... TEEEEEEA!"
Munkitty Tunkitty was literally dancing on the floor with rage.
An idea struck him. He suddenly spoke very sweetly to the two bears.
"Why, yes, of course - I'll get YOU, my little purple friend, some tea and I'll get YOU, my fine orange friend, some squash. You just rest here."
So saying he disappeared round the corner, made two drinks and laughed a terrible laugh. Do you think Munkitty Tunkitty was getting the two bears two really nice drinks?
"Here you go," he said and gave the bears their drinks. He dived round the corner and listened as Orange Bear tasted his orange juice (which had mouldy prune juice added into it) and Kiki tasted his tea (which had mouldy cauliflower cheese added into it).
Would you like to drink that?
"Yuck! Yuck!" said Kiki, trying to spit the revolting drink out.
"'Ear me - that taste real bads, it do," complained Bear.
"Feeling a bit sick, are we? Why don't you take the day off?" asked Munkitty Tunkitty. "In fact take a lifetime off. In fact DON'T COME BACK!"
Bear and Kiki got up and left Munkitty Tunkitty's office.
"WA HA HA and MA HA HA, as well," laughed Munkitty Tunkitty in a very scary sort of way. "I've seen off those two fools - now, perhaps, I can get on with some work."
When it started to get light Munkitty Tunkitty left his office and went home exhausted.
In the morning Jonty woke up and looked at his toys. "That's strange," he said to himself, "that monkey usually sits up there and now he's over here. Oh well I think I'll put him between those two bears. He'll like that. He's not really got to know them before."
That night Munkitty Tunkitty woke up as usual. He was about to go to the bathroom when, all of a sudden, he heard two noises he'd never wanted to hear again. You know what they were, don't you?
"SNORES! SNORES! 'EAR ME - SNORES!" and "SHEW! SHEW! SHEW! Hee hee hee hee hee - Kiki's lawfing!"
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOUND!" exclaimed Munkitty Tunkitty.