I heard the door open and close and I jumped, turning round again. My heart skipped a beat, as though I was falling in love again. I ran up to the door, knocking again. It was hard to keep myself civil and keep my knock gentle as my heart raced, “please,” I whispered as no one answered. I banged a little harder, my hands shaking as I pounded at the door harder than I realised.
Lazarus finally answered the door, I knew it was him, I could smell him. He took a step, a clumsy step and closed the door behind him, his breath was heavy and I could tell he was angry. I couldn’t blame him, I left him. For eighteen years. Alone. I jumped back, just out of arms reach. "How-How are you?"
"Pretty good. At least, I was until you got here. What d'you want?" He growled and I gulped, fighting back the instincts to fight against him. I didn’t want that. The kids were in, I could hear them.
"Good? You've been drinking. I'm sorry. How are they?" My sentences made no sense, I realise that and I kept them short. I didn’t want to start to stutter.
"What, just because I used to have an alcohol problem, I'm not allowed to have a glass of whiskey?" I shook my head, casting my hair into a giant flurry around me.
"My sense of smell is quite good; you've been drinking for a while." I didn’t want to start an argument like I had done when he drank in the past, but I didn’t want him to destroy himself.
"So... that's not the point, of course. Have you played since?" I desperately tried to change the subject, trying to lighten the mood.
"That's good. Anything umm... interesting happen?"
"I got on with life. Does that count as interesting?" My heart fluttered again, it was good to hear that he was okay, though I didn’t quite believe him.
"Yes, I'm happy you didn't linger. I'm afraid I can't say the same but, I didn't come here to talk about me."
"Yes, why did you decide to come back?" It was one of the two questions I dreaded.
"I couldn't stay away; I didn't want to truly leave you! It's just..." softness entered my voice and I took a step back, looking up at him (though it made no difference.) "I just wanted to make sure you weren't doing the same as after Gabriel..."
"Well then you shouldn't have left, should you? If you're quite done here, I have to go to work in about ten minutes." He worked, that was good.
"Oh? Where do you work?"
"I'm a composer for a small film company."
"Wow! Lazarus I'm so proud!" I lifted my hand to his shoulder but when it fell through thin air I sighed, my perception was off again. I let them fall back to my sides again and smiled instead. "You've done well." A civil conversation and I had blown it.
"Yeah, well I've got to go get dressed now, so if you'll excuse me," He turned his back to me and I tried to get one final word in.
"Lazarus. May I see them?" It was ambitious, I knew that. I knew that they would not accept me truly as their mother but, I wanted to see how beautiful they were, even if my vision would be slightly clouded.
"Could you ask them?" They should be eighteen, old enough to figure out what they want for themselves.
He laughed slightly and my face fell further. "I told them what happened years ago. They've not asked after you since, so I doubt they're particularly interested."
He seemed exasperated, "Can we not do this some other time? I'm going to be late for work." I don’t think I could ready my heart again to come back.
"Oh umm... no, that's fine. I'm pushing my boundaries I realise," I reached my hand up to remove my blindfold for a few seconds before replacing it, "you haven't change a bit. That's good to see." I tied it tightly and nodded.
"Sure. Goodbye, Melissa."
“B-Bye,” I tried to stutter, before he slammed the door in my face. All I can say is thank the lord that I was wearing a blindfold, no-one could see me cry.