We pulled into the only motel in Denton, Maryland long after the sun had disappeared behind the horizon. There were a lot of cars, presumable family and friends coming for the funerals of the suicides, but the sign said there was still vacancy so Jensen went inside to get rooms.
Jared finally woke up, stretching his long legs and arms and yawning. I ignored, him, opting instead to stare at the darkening sky above us. It was too late for us to do anything tonight, and I just wanted to crawl into a warm bed and try to cry some more. It probably wouldn’t work, but I could always try.
As Jensen came out of the office in a huff, the motel sign above the building flickered for a moment and ‘no vacancy’ lit up. We had gotten the last rooms, how about that. Jensen got into the car and drove around to the back of the building, parking in the last open spot.
I got out and grabbed my duffle bag before walking towards the building before remembering that I didn’t have a key or any idea what room I had. So I stopped and waited for Jared and Jensen to catch up.
Jensen handed me a tarnished key and after glancing at the number on it, I walked to the appropriate door. After I unlocked it and stepped inside, I was annoyed to find two beds and the boys following me inside.
“They only had one room left,” Jensen explained, dropping his bag onto the small table in the corner. “I’ll take the chair.”
There went my plan to cry myself to sleep. I stomped over to the bed closest to the bathroom, dropped my bag on the ugly mauve duvet, grabbed a few things from it, and headed into the bathroom.
After I had turned on the shower I lowered the toilet seat and sat down. I was so exhausted, mentally and physically, that I could barely think properly. I dry sobbed while the room filled with hot steam. I wasn’t a crier, I really wasn’t. I never cried when I was injured, which was a lot, and I hadn’t cried when my own parents had died, but this was different. I felt so alone even though I still had Jensen and Jared. We may have been close, but I had always been closer with Cassandra because I could talk to her about anything.
I couldn’t talk to Jensen or Jared about anything. I couldn’t tell them my troubles, couldn’t complain about how I felt or what I wished I could do.
I felt abandoned. It wasn’t the most rational emotion I had ever felt. I was angry at Cassandra for leaving me.
After a while I finally stopped crying and turned the shower off. It had served its purpose. I quickly dressed in my normal pajamas, tank top and shorts, ran a brush through my curls, then headed back out into the room.
Jared had fallen back to sleep in the other bed and Jensen was sitting at the table staring out the window. I watched him for a moment, noting the tired curve of his shoulders, the anxious way he played with the silver ring on his right hand, and the way he flinched at any sound outside the room. He obviously had a lot on his mind.I crawled under the thick covers on the bed, curling up into a tight ball against the cold, and tried to sleep. We had a lot of work to do starting tomorrow, today actually, and I needed all the rest I could get if I was going to have a clear head.