I sit on my bed, legs crossed, staring at the pills. Every moment of looking becomes harder and harder - my eyelids are dropping, and I feel like I could geniunely fall asleep.
But I know that's not going to happen. I've been tricked like this before.
However, I almost want to give natural sleep one more chance. Should I grant it this one last favour before I give up on it altogether?
I'm unsure whether I can deal with another day of waiting. Tired, grumpy, wishing for sleep to envelope me.
I uncross my legs and lay my head down on the pillow. I close my eyes. I wait.
It seems like nothing is happening. Sleep will never come. It will just keep fooling me with hollow promises of sweet release, but of course will take them back right at the last moment.
I think about this. I think about the pills, about my inability to fall asleep.
It would be worth it. I don't owe sleep anything.
I convince myself that it's the only way.