Miss Me

My name is Adrianna, people call me Ada, or sometimes just A, and the most important thing to know about me is: I am dead.  I was warned against writing this up front, because it ruins the suspense, like in Romeo and Juliet when Shakespeare lays down the whole plot in the prologue.  But I'm writing it now because I don't want the readers to mistake my death as a twist or a climax.  That's not the point.  It's just the consequence of the story itself.

So yes, I am expired.  I was in the shower and I fell and drowned in the water that clogged up in the bottom of the tub.  Not exactly my choice of tragic young ways to go, but there really wasn't much I could do about it.  The reason I was in the shower was because I had a date with my boyfriend, Luke, and the reason I fell was because I slipped on the soap I dropped in a hurried rush to get the scent of Will off me, because we had just made love, because I was having an affair, which seems like an awfully misplaced word seeing as affairs are usually applied to married people and I was only seventeen and had only been dating Luke for ten months.  

Ten months seems like a short time to fall in love and then get bored of and do it with someone else, but the truth was ten months was a very long time, and in hindsight I was surprised it didn't happen sooner.  I'm not saying I don't regret it - I do with all my heart - I'm just saying knowing me, it was pretty impressive I lasted that long.  It wasn't a sudden sort of thing, or anything.  It wasn't like I woke up one morning and decided that I didn't love Luke anymore.  But I didn't fight it either.  I felt myself slipping away, after the tenth time calling and getting voice mail, I stopped calling, after refreshing my empty email inbox again and again, I finally turned the computer off, and eventually the pain turned to numbness, and I forgot.  I stopped waiting.  Luke used to say he felt distance, felt like I didn't need him anymore, and I was too indifferent to argue it had been the other way around.  I stopped caring, and that gave way into a slippery slope of all my love sliding out of me, until one I realized I didn't love him at all anymore, but I'd become so use to him being not being there that I didn't know what to do. He was the nicest thing, truly.  He gave me smiles and kisses and held my hand and sang me lullabies.... but he wasn't enough of what I needed.

I was a very beautiful, very sexual teenage girl, and I was in love with everything, everyone, with my wonderful life.

But that doesn't matter. It's all history.

The most important thing is, my name is Adrianna, but I'm mostly Ada or sometimes A, and I am dead, and this is my story of how I got to be lying the bottom of the bath tub, limbs strewn and tangled in my hair, water flooding my lungs like rain.

My hair was long then. I cut it off a while back, after my first big break up to my first long term boyfriend.  I cut it so it was above my ears, and it curled crazy corkscrews.  When I met Luke, he made me promise to grow it out, because he loved my auburn twirls.  I still believe it was my worst feature.  Without my hair, I would have been perfect.  I was tall and with killer curves and a killer smile.  I'm not being conceited.  There's really no point, because I'm dead.  I'm just laying down the facts.

Truth is, when I was alive, I thought I was the most ugly thing.  I hated my body, hated my face, hated everything that was me.  But no one knows what they have until it's been stripped from them.  Fate is terribly ironic.


The End

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