This is about going through the motions of falling for a horrible guy, and then going through the motions of the break up.
When your eyes follow the same path as his and you can’t find a single fault in him. To you he looks like no man you have ever seen. He’s not your typical type, but today when you locked your eyes on his, every single past relationship has left your mind.
You both feel it, a strong pull from your chest and a tingle in your stomach. There is no doubt in your mind about his thoughts of you. You can see it in his eyes. He doesn’t have to say anything. You feel like the only girl in the world, as if the two of you were the only people on the earth. The background is blurry, its silent, and the only thing you can feel is your heart pounding. At this point you will never be the same.
As you sit by your phone waiting, wiggling your fingers and staring at the time, you hope that phone will ring. Anything, you just want to see his name across the screen of your phone. “Did I say something wrong?” you keep asking yourself. “Maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with me.” The thoughts that run through your mind are ugly, horrible, and nerve racking. You’re over thinking and you know it, but it is the only way to stop your hopes from rising.
Finally you get to kiss him. You feel his hot breath on your lips right before they connect. His hands are sliding so smoothly up and down the sides of your waist, making you feel more like a woman with every touch. Your blood is boiling; you never want this moment to end. The electricity between the both of you is so strong you could light the earth.
As you lay in your bed you can’t fall asleep. He is the only one running through your mind. You can feel the chills through your whole body as you think of the last time he kissed you. You imagine what your children will look like. You say your name with his last name over and over again to see if it fits. You’re sure this won’t last that long but your hopeful.
As days pass he is still all you think about. He has affected your life dramatically. You do your hair extra nice in the mornings, you do your make up, and you obsess about what you eat for fear of gaining a few pounds. You are smiling, nothing can tear you down. You are the queen in your fairy tale that came true.
More days pass. He isn’t contacting you as much. He is always out with his friends and always on his phone. The questions begin. “Who is he texting?” “Did I do something wrong?” You text him to see if everything is okay. He replies “yes.” But this isn’t the same; you can feel the distance through words on the screen. You feel all of this coming to an end soon. You’re nervous, scared and sad.
After a week of no contact you have had enough. You start raging; you’re mad at him, you’re mad at yourself and your convinced there is someone else. You know it’s over. All you want to hear are the words out of his mouth.
You pester him, “Say it! Say it’s over you fucking pussy!” He won’t. He leaves you thinking that he may want you back. He begins to ignore your texts.
You’re out in town, feeling down with a slither of hope that he might come back. You see him. You see her. A rush of everything comes at you in one single second. A million thoughts, questions, feelings, EVERYTHING! Your heart starts pounding; you can feel the blood rise to the surface in your cheeks. Right now you are more alive than you have ever been. You want to cry, you want to run and you want to hurt him all at once. The memory you had when your eyes locked has been ripped out of you. That first kiss that made you feel like a woman has now made you feel like an idiot, like a child, rejected.
You’re depressed. He has forgotten about you that fast. He has moved on. He is never to be in your life again. You can’t stop thinking. Again, the questions; “What did I do?” “What makes her better than me?” They won’t stop, the unknown is killing you.
You cry so much you can’t cry anymore. Your mouth is dry, your head hurts, and your eyes are tired. You get up in the middle of the night and go to the gym. You work out until the pain overpowers your thoughts.
You’re friends tell you you’ll be fine. You don’t listen. You stare at the walls. What the hell are you going to do with yourself?
You’re pissed. He is such a pussy. He can’t even tell you he’s done with you; he can’t act like a fucking man. You go into a rage, trash your room, scream in your pillows and bruise your knuckles on your walls. You feel better, but you’re still in pain.
Every day you get up you feel numb. Nothing matters anymore. Your hair, fuck that. Your clothes; sweat pants. Makeup, fuck that. You walk to work and you put on a fake smile, but somehow before the end of the day you’re fighting with someone. When you come back from work you stare at the walls with no sleep. Your gray and you’re living in the darkness. You almost don’t want to feel better for the sake that you will fall harder.
A couple months pass. You’re just getting by, but your better. You still think of him every day and it still hurts.
You pass him in this truck and you stop breathing, your heart starts beating, you’re sweating and your body is fighting for everything, it’s fighting to be normal again. You finally gasp for breath and you start breathing heavy. It feels like a rock on your chest. You can’t speak and your hands are shaking. Then, a huge wave of negativity engulfs you. Your body is no longer willing to fight. You start crying uncontrollably, you can’t do anything. You’re trapped, your emotions and your pain is stuck with you. You begin to lose hope all over again.
“Did I love him? What made me fall so hard? He wasn’t for me. God put him in my path for a reason right? I may never know. Maybe I was put in his path for a reason. I may never know.”
It has been 9 months since you and he have broke up. Again he still is on your mind, and you still waste a few tears on him every now and then. You’re stuck on him and you don’t know why. You don’t understand, and the questions continue, but this time the unanswered questions are not so bad. Maybe you really don’t want to know.
You’re in a record store. You bump shoulders with a tall handsome man. You look up and your eyes lock with his. To you he looks like no man you have ever seen. He’s not your typical type, but today when you locked your eyes on his, every single past relationship has left your mind. You will never be the same again.