Who's to decide how life really is? Who's to say it's one way and not another? Isn't everything different? What am I REALLY doing...because I'm so exhausted and frustrated and stressed I cannot think much-less write straight. I want this to change and I know it can I know how to do it I have to cooperate with someone and if they don't cooperate too this will never get better.

I'm not going to lose this battle with them no matter what. I need to win. I need them. I shouldn't, but I do. I've got too much to lose if I lose them. I'm risking everything already. I have given up, I have. But I'm still standing and fighting them because they're too much to lose. The poems I've written about them, the bits I've written of them. I don't do that for or about anyone. They mean too much. I need to change that, too. They're not supposed to be important, they were just supposed to be a friend.

They weren't supposed to get like this to me. They were just..an interest. I just wanted to learn about them. I wanted to know them. It went too far. Beautiful, intelligent, unsurmising, arrogant, unheathing, yet this differentiates from everyone I know. I can usually characterize the people I know. This person fits nowhere. And yes, that's a good thing to stand out-but ultimately it makes it harder to do. I wasn't supposed to feel like this I wasn't supposed to be invoked.

I got lost on what I really meant to do. This wasn't a project! This was...I was...wrong. This person isn't supposed to mean everything to me. I messed up. I really really did. I wish I could take it back and I can't. I can-in a horrid way. That would mean they win and there is no way I'm letting that happen.

I will win this and things will change. For better or for worse, I will stick this through and make things better. I need to. It's not about just making sure things are better it's about making sure things don't get so bad anymore. It's about fixing things. It's about disrupting the system.

The End

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