Who's to decide how life really is? Who's to say it's one way and not another? Isn't everything different? What am I REALLY doing...because I'm so exhausted and frustrated and stressed I cannot think much-less write straight. I want this to change and I know it can I know how to do it I have to cooperate with someone and if they don't cooperate too this will never get better.
I'm not going to lose this battle with them no matter what. I need to win. I need them. I shouldn't, but I do. I've got too much to lose if I lose them. I'm risking everything already. I have given up, I have. But I'm still standing and fighting them because they're too much to lose. The poems I've written about them, the bits I've written of them. I don't do that for or about anyone. They mean too much. I need to change that, too. They're not supposed to be important, they were just supposed to be a friend.
They weren't supposed to get like this to me. They were just..an interest. I just wanted to learn about them. I wanted to know them. It went too far. Beautiful, intelligent, unsurmising, arrogant, unheathing, yet this differentiates from everyone I know. I can usually characterize the people I know. This person fits nowhere. And yes, that's a good thing to stand out-but ultimately it makes it harder to do. I wasn't supposed to feel like this I wasn't supposed to be invoked.
I got lost on what I really meant to do. This wasn't a project! This was...I was...wrong. This person isn't supposed to mean everything to me. I messed up. I really really did. I wish I could take it back and I can't. I can-in a horrid way. That would mean they win and there is no way I'm letting that happen.
I will win this and things will change. For better or for worse, I will stick this through and make things better. I need to. It's not about just making sure things are better it's about making sure things don't get so bad anymore. It's about fixing things. It's about disrupting the system.