Xander: Late Dawns...
I lit myself up a cigarette and turned up the radio a little bit louder. Killswitch Engage was pouring from the speakers, making its way into me from the inside out.
I should have known she would be no different. Alessa was just like everyone else in the world. Looking for a quick fix, a quick pick-me-up, a ride in the fast lane. The problem with people who don’t fear death is that they are terribly quick to tempt fate. Alessa had come to me looking for danger, excitement. But nothing real. It was never real.
I wondered how long her little flame would last. At what point would it burn out? And when it did, would she come crawling back to me? Would I still be there waiting? I couldn’t say for sure.
Maybe I was over-reacting. That was something I was unusually good at. And then again, I thought that maybe leaving Alessa bewhind was something that needd to be done all along. The spark in her vibrant geen eyes reminded me too much of Reina. So many memories I'd been trying to repress were all rising to the surface once again, surrounding me like her platinum blonde hair once had.
But one thing was certain: I needed to get drunk, or high, or, preferably, both at the same time. I pulled out my phone to call Cole, figuring he would know the place to be that night. I took a last, long drag and flicked the butt out the window. I was already feeling a little sick as it was.
There is nothing like a girl coming down on you when you’re drunk, high, and just not into her. I was slumped over on the couch at my good friend Loren’s house, empty bottle of tequila still resting beside me. Some skanky little blonde was attempting to give me a blow-job, only she was nearly as wasted as I was, so she kept stumbling about. Or maybe she was just clueless. Either way, her goal of turning me on was an epic failure.
As last she moved into my lap, straddling me, lips mere inches from my own. “Come on, Xander,” she whined. “Don’t make me be alone tonight.” Her mouth brushed up against mine, tasting of beer and ash.
“Alright,” I said at last. “Alright.” She grinned a little before kissing me harder, holding onto me like I was all that was keeping her in the pull of gravity. I allowed myself to pull her to my chest, hands moving up and down her body, feeling the curves and concaves and contours. She managed to get my shirt off, and then pulled hers off too. it only took a minute for me to unsnap her bra and add that to the discarded pile of clothes. With a tiny moan, she pushed me down onto the couch, knocking the bottle to the floor. Her nails raked my bare chest as they moved to my belt and began working at it.
I’d like to say that Alessa crossed my mind, but then I’d be lying. Reina did, though, unsurprisingly. I thought of the way she'd felt against me, unlike anyone else I'd ever slept with. Anyway, I was nearly too far gone to even think about the girl I was inside, let alone the girl who had ripped my heart out and shredded it with her dagger nails. After, she lay there on top of me, closing her eyes and attempting to doze off. I let here stay, trying to do the same despite the swirling thoughts and colors behind my closed eyes.
Morning couldn’t come soon enough.
Alessa: Early Sunsets...
A boy named Max pulled me into his lap, causing me to erupt into a fit of giggles. I blamed that for the ache in my stomach, although I knew it was actually due to the stabbing pain in my heart. Every time Max kissed me or held me or even looked me in the eye, Xander crossed my mind. I knew I shouldn’t wonder where he was or what he was doing or if he even gave a shit about me. But I did.
“I’ve really missed this,” Max told me, reaching up to stroke my hair gently. I thought that if this had been Xander, he would have been ruffling it like a child. “I’ve missed you.”
He sounded so sincere. It would have been so easy to fall back into his web, into the entire web of the social crowd I'd run from. A part of me wanted to, of course. Wanted me to stumble and hit the ground regardless of whether or not they would catch me. Sometimes it was the thrill of falling that made one forget how much it hurt to shatter at the impact of the crash.
“I miss you too,” I told him, although of course I meant them. The people who had been there for me, until the razor took their place.
“I’m sorry… about before,” he said slowly. I brought my lips to his in a quick kiss. "We should have helped you through all your shit."
“Don’t,” I said. “It’s over. Let’s leave it be.”
Max offered me a slight smile and gave me a tight squeeze. “Alright,” he said. And so we did.
Ellie, predictably, was none too happy about the reconnection of the bitches and I. “Alessa,” she said to me from across the lunch table. “They’re all dicks. I thought you’d learned that the last time they left you.”
“They didn’t leave me,” I replied instantly. “They just… needed space.”
Ellie rolled her eyes, using her fork to push her salad around a bit on a plate. “They left you when you needed them, and you’re still defending them. I cant believe you sometimes. And anyway, I thought you had something with that one druggie…”
“Yeah. Right. What about him?”
I sighed. Leave it to Ellie to go to the one place I was so carefully trying to avoid. Xander had seemed passive when I’d last seen him, but of course it may have only been a front. Perhaps he was really upset. I couldn’t stand to be the cause of that. I would rather have died than see that dimness in his eyes. All I'd wanted was to explain my feelings to him, and he'd completely blown me off without even hearing me out.
“I’m working on that,” I told her eventually. “We can still be friends.”
Ellie shrugged it off. “Whatever, Alessa. Not like you’ll listen to me anyway.”
I shrugged as well. No point in arguing with the truth. Ellie was a great companion, but when it came to the ways of the world, we had very different views. I shuddered at the day she glimpsed the scars that had mostly faded from my wrists. Call me crazy but I had a feeling she wouldn’t understand.