6 Months ago…
My mother…she held me in her arms. My father…he wiped my tears away and sung to me softly as my body raked with heart wrenching sobs of a broken and abused mind.
Didn’t they notice that I was just like them? A human being with feelings? A girl with hopes and dreams? My mother, she continued to hold me, my father, he continued to sing for me.
Does anybody care? Why should they?
“Alvera is a stupid name!” I flinched at the remembered sound of their voices, could feel their hands hurting me, pushing me into the lockers, walls and doors. “You’re stupid and worthless” they’d all taunt me. “No friends Alvera.” They’d mock and sing loudly.
Was it just a game to them? Was I just mere entertainment? Everyday they’d rip me apart, leaving me bare and raw, horridly exposed to their whip cracks and names.
With my breath shuddering out of my bruised body, I stared down at the small razor in my hand, my tool and guidance to focus all of the pain inside of me into one bloodied focal point.
“Hold up…hold on. Don’t be scared, you’ll never change what’s been and gone. May your smile, shine on…don’t be scared.” I cried softly at the Oasis song and made the first cut of the night.
“And stop crying your heart out…” A tear slipped from my chin to land on my arm and mingle with blood. “Cause all of the stars, have faded away, try not to worry, you’ll see them someday, take what you need and be on your way and stop crying your heart out.” I sobbed and made the second cut, then the third and fourth.
With dozens of fresh cuts covering my arms and blood sluicing out of the wounds to dribble down my scarred skin to splash on my jeans, I leant my head back against the wall and let my breath leave my body in a painful shudder.
“I’m living in a nightmare and I have no idea how to wake up.” I whispered to myself softly.
I could feel the ever present darkness within me pushing to be free, writhing within me like a tortured beast fighting, clawing, tearing to get out, to have free reign and take me to the place of no return. I pressed my hand against my chest, over my heart and rubbed over the heaviness that seemed to take up permanent residence within me.
Why do I even bother to fight it? It’s not like I have anything better to live for, no light at the end of the tunnel, no rainbows over the valleys. Nothing but pain and misery.
Life doesn’t work out, life said to make lemonade out of lemons and I tried, but I couldn’t understand it. Shaking my head, I got to my feet to shuffle over to my bed and fell on top of it.
Instantly sleep tugged at me, calling me away from my living nightmare and into the nightmare inside my head.
I woke up to the feel of my bed shaking and small giggles. Cracking my eyes open, I saw my father peering down at me with a smile as my younger twin brothers stood next to him with big grins on their faces. “Wakey wakey sleeping beauty, time for school” my father said.
I sighed and slowly sat up and fought to keep the covers covering my arms, shielding them from my father and brothers.
He straightened, grabbed my younger brother’s hands and left my bedroom with them still giggling.
Sighing, I got dressed for school and joined my family in the dining room for breakfast.
My mother smiled at me, greeted me for the morning and left for work, followed by my father.
With just my brothers and I home, we locked up the house, set the alarm and set off for school.
Upon reaching my school, I stood outside and stared at the big buildings. Already I could hear their laughter and taunts, their threats and verbal abuse. I could feel their rough hands on me, bruising my soft skin purely for their own enjoyment.
“Hey look! There’s Alvera!” I stiffened at the voice and started walking only to stop when a drink bottle slammed into my left shoulder. Crying out, I ducked and ran inside to my locker with my shoulder now screaming in pain.
I leant against my locker and fought back my sobs of pain. My body quivered, overwrought with fear as the pain reverberated mercilessly with my shoulder.
“Loser!” Someone shouted and threw scrunched up pieces of paper at me. I ducked my head again and slowly made my way towards class only to be tripped up by yet another cruel bully.
I fell to the ground with a loud slap from my skin against the shiny tiles of the hallway. Instantly pain blossomed in my knees and hands from the initial impact of the fall. Everywhere I could hear kids laughing at me and calling out insults as I crouched on the ground, waiting for all of them to head to class before I got to my feet again to slowly shuffle to class.
Sometimes, I felt like screaming at the tops of my lungs, scream my anguish and pain out for the world to hear and tremble at the sheer reverence of it. Other times I felt like giving in, throwing in the towel and leave my life in the dust to start a new one with new people, but I didn’t have the bravado for it.
Who was I kidding? I was always going to be the same old Alvera, the friendless loser.
Swiping the tears away from my face, I stepped inside the classroom and ignored the teacher’s reprimand for being late and fought not to notice the snickers and insults from the other students.
Reaching my desk, I pulled my chair out and started to sit down, before I could react, the seat was jerked out from under me, leaving me to fall backwards on the floor. My head slammed against the desk behind me, making me see stars.
My bottom lip quivered on the verge of tears while I sat there. “Look! I think she’s going to cry!” The student from in front of me said happily and snapped pictures of me on the floor. “Oh my god, she’s such a loser.” Another student said and laughed.
Getting to my feet, I grabbed my chair, sat down and faced the front of the class. The teacher looked exasperated as she waited for the class to settle down before she started talking about our upcoming project.
I sighed softly as my fingers itched for my razor blade. Clenching my hands into fists, I tuned out everything and focused on enduring yet another day in Hell.
Maybe Hell was too tame of a word for what I was going through.
Welcome to the life of Alvera Stevens, I thought tiredly.
6 Months ago…