The human heart and mind, they're such strange things. So fragile, constantly needing reassurance that they're good enough, that it matters. Some find this reassurance in the arms of people that they love, while others find it in the tears and pain of another. They feel stronger when they tear down the foundation of another.
This philosophy is the one that caused me wrap a noose around my neck and put myself in a dark black casket lined with gold and roses. Is there any real way to explain the torture I bore witness to? I don't really know to be honest. Sitting in on your own funeral is possibly one of the most horrible situations a soul could ever be in.
My little brother, Tristan, lay over the casket desperately clenching onto me as tears streamed down his young face as his father, my step father Luke held his shoulder with his head facing the ground so his son didn't have to see that for once, daddy wasn't strong. My mother was in the back corner, unwilling to get up and face the truth of the matter, that her and so many other's hatred for who I am led me to the cold casket and death's embrace. She sat there with her hollow blue eyes staring into her hands, unable to comprehend the world around her.
My father was nowhere to be seen, though I had a good idea of which bar he was at, washing away what memories we did have with each chug of the bottle. His bitch of a wife and my brat little sister were here though, genuinely teared up, though they stayed close to the door, hoping to get out as soon as they possibly could.
Isaac and Ethan stood over in the corner, my two 'best friends', both charismatic snakes were now at a loss for words. I shook my head and looked towards the door as it creaked open, my older brother finally making it in from Ohio to say goodbye. I watched as he came close to the casket, stopping as his eyes looked down upon my crumpled form. He, much like Luke hid the tears as best he could but there was no denying the redness in his eyes and the wet river that poured down his cheeks as he stifled soft sobs. Though we weren't exactly close the pain still choked him with icy hands.
Then I looked away, thoughts beginning to stream through my mind. I thought when I died I would be able to let go of the pain. That I'd be able to walk out of the gates of hell and escape the fire around me, but now.... I wasn't so sure, maybe death wasn't the angel coming to take me away.... Maybe it was just the demon that would make me sink lower into the darkness than I already was....
My world snapped back into reality and I turned to Caleb, who stood next to me, leaning against the wall as he watched loved ones gather around my body and cry. His wavy obsidian black hair fell down to his neck and his greyish icy blue eyes watched, lost in thought. He turned to me and saw the look in my eyes and then sighed, moving away from the wall and motioning for me to follow him. I kept my eyes ahead of me as we moved towards the door, walking quickly to escape the encompassing atmosphere around us.
When we got outside my eyes welled up with tears and I laid my head in my hands as I slowly crumbled to the wall. Seeing all of this made me regret everything I'd done, I hurt all of these people....
"Don't blame yourself too much," Caleb said softly, his voice distant now, "They shouldn't have done all of that to you. If they would have shown that tenderness you would still be here with them." He sat next to me and draped his arm around my shoulder, attempting to give comfort.
We stayed like this for several minutes until finally he took my hands as I wiped away tears. We rose up slowly as I tried to gain my footing, nearly falling once, and I would've hit hard had it not been for Caleb's strong hand catching me.
"We need to go now Hayden," He whispered in my ear, "There's still things that need to be done so you, and all of these people can find closure." I nodded slowly as the memories of the last six months flashed through my mind, threatening to crack my sanity. But for my sake I had to find the trigger, for all of this mess. I needed to find the reason why I chose not to live.