You can't go back. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, whats done is done. History itself is now marred, ruined forever, a blotch that nothing can ever erase.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING???
I know I shouldn't have, I know I was wrong, I know I was stupid, I KNOW OK!?!
Just leave me alone.
Don't leave me. I cant stand to be alone with anyone as repulsive and disgusting as myself. I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF!!!
She asked me to stop. She begged me to stop. She didn't ever really want me, but I was stronger. I knew I was stronger.
I don't deserve even the air in my lungs. I will burn. I deserve to burn. But even the burning in my wrists can't take away the burning in my heart.
She was so beautiful, so lovely, so pure. But that was before. Then she was crying, screaming for help, groveling on the ground. I ruined her. I have marred the closest thing to perfection I shall ever see, broken it, destroyed it.
I know I drank to much. I know her flirting was only because she wanted to be loved. And I did love her, I thought. And I convinced myself she really did want it, that at first when she got mad at me and bit me and tried to run it was all a game. I was the predator, she was the prey. But things never go so well for the prey. I was faster, stronger, and in a matter of moments I had her once again in my clutch. Only now I knew it wasn't a game. I knew she didn't want it. She was insecure, she wanted acceptance, she wanted me to tell her she was pretty and nothing more. But I needed it. THATS NOT TRUE! I didn't need it. But I wanted it. I wanted her. It was no longer about her, it was about me, and she was what I wanted.
She had been perfect. But as I tore away her clothes and broke past her last defenses, I knew I was shattering the vase on the ground. Not just dropping it, but grinding it into the dust. She tried to defend herself, but I found the weakness in her fortress and forced my way in.
I DIDN"T EVEN KNOW HER NAME!!!
What will she do know, her beauty, her purity, her perfection stolen from her by such a worthless wretch. Will she tell her family and friends? What would her father think?
WHAT WOULD I DO IF THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER!?!
I would kill the man who fucked my daughter, kill him slowly so that I could savor his pain. I would watch him beg for his life, just as she begged. I would let him run, giving him hope, for a moment, before catching him in my grasp. I would make him know fear, know how it feels to be forced into submission to another.
I know fear. I know fear, not only of the police that could come at any moment but of myself. I am afraid to turn out the light, knowing what a monster my own self can become.
I tried everything. I have repaid the blood she bled a hundred times over, once my wrists had no more room I moved to my thighs, cutting fast, cutting deep. I have repaid her cries a thousand times over, for days now I have not slept but sat there weeping in utter destitution. I have prayed to every god, to every devil, to ever power and force in this world, pouring my own sweat and blood and tears over the alter. But nothing. NOTHING! I am nothing. I am worse than nothing. I must end this. End this madness.
Its almost done. My blood is flowing fast. I couldn't stop it now, if I tried. All over, crimson runs from my skin. God, have mercy and bring my damnation quickly, it cannot be worse than this torment.