Dear Walter-Troubled-Over-Bridge,

  I don't even understand why you're writing. Your feelings are quite normal. Not only is a bridge very obviously an erection, but it often stretches and arcs gracefully from tip to tip, and is regularly mounted.

 It's simply quite stirring when you think about it. After all, I am a very normal male, and get quite tingly at the thought of divans, larch trees, and some varieties of lettuce.

 Those people you mention who are similarly aroused by vehicles and the like, however, are obviously deranged and should seek professional help.

  Meanwhile, relax. You're fine.

- Marius

Dear Mr. Trunkel,

    Serving as representatives of  Mr. Mortimer Macy (hereafter referred to as the Party of the First Part), residing at 246 Cherry Lane and employed as tennis professional at Neato Nets Tennis Club and Country Club, we wish to inform you (hereafter referred to as the Party of the Second Part) that the Party of the First Part is holding the Party of the Second Part wholly and entirely  responsible for all damages to the vehicle owned and operated by The Party of the First Part ; said damages.......

      *                             *                              *                                  *

Oh, sorry. Editors should have caught that one. I'm a professional, and simply will not publish malicious and idiotic mail that is of a personal nature. On the job, however, I also receive some doozies, like this one:

Dear Marius,

Jack and I are the new proud parents of a lovely little lass. 

How do we tell our spouses?

Befuddled

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Marius is terrible at his job as a newspaper Agony Uncle, but fully believes that he's great. Each chapter should start with Marius' reply to the previous problem, and then pose another one for him to answer. I've started with a letter and a reply in the first chapter so you can get the gist of what he's like, and the sort of thing he considers to be good advice. Have fun!

updated Oct 22 '08 by Tasha_Noble