Dear Divorce Dangers,

Oh are you so blind? Look at the facts: Your mother likes your ex....... she is against the divorce........... the stupid ill dog......... she obviously fancies him.

My advice, and, really, i should be charging for this sort of gold, is to invite him around and have your mother there too. Offer tea all round, slipping a bit of rohypnol into his (keep your eye on which one is his cup, for heaven's sake) and then when he starts to sway and slur, give your mother the nod to drag him upstairs to her bedroom.

This will repair your relationship with your mother and, if you sneak into the room during her "fun time" with a camera, you can take photos with which to later blackmail custody of the dog. Of course, if the dog is as ill as you say, then go instead for his money, car, and if he has one, house. You can buy yourself countless healthy dogs then.

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Dear Marius,

I have recently started getting strange feelings when walking over the bridge near my house. Feelings of a, well, sexual nature. I saw a program the other day about how people can be sexually attracted to vehicles and even buildings and am starting to wonder whether I have a version of this strange affliction.

What do you think I should do?

Yours,
Walter-Troubled-Over-Bridge

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Marius is terrible at his job as a newspaper Agony Uncle, but fully believes that he's great. Each chapter should start with Marius' reply to the previous problem, and then pose another one for him to answer. I've started with a letter and a reply in the first chapter so you can get the gist of what he's like, and the sort of thing he considers to be good advice. Have fun!

updated Oct 22 '08 by Tasha_Noble