Dear Trembling Teenager

Look at you--you're trembling over nothing! First, open the letter and see what's inside! Don't worry, that rumor about tampering with mail being illegal is just a myth. If it's not a fine, it's useless, so toss the thing in the trash! But worry not, I have some advice for if it is, in fact, a ticket...

The first thing to do is sneak some cash out of your dad's wallet: preferably when he's asleep, drunk, or just stupid. Remember: cash, not credit cards. He'll know when you use those.

Once you've nicked enough money, time to drop it by the police station. I know everyone wants to get back at the cops for charging them, but this in no way means you shouldn't pay. You can just roll the building while you're there, or maybe write dirty words on the walls.

And that's it! But remember: next time, don't take your dad's car. Just take his money and buy your own; It's much more convenient.

Sincerely,

Marius

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Dear Marius,

My relationship with my mother as of late has been rather iffy. I've been going through a divorce, and I know she liked my ex-husband. Still, would it kill her to see my side of the story? I am her own daughter, after all. And, to add to that, my ex-husband is demanding custody of the dog. The poor thing has a heart condition, and we've only just found it! He can't take care of it!

So, that's it in a nutshell. My mother's being a [censored by newspaper staff] and my [censored by newspaper staff] husband won't give up the [censored by newspaper staff] dog. God-[censored by newspaper staff] [censored by newspaper staff] [censored by newspaper staff] it!

Divorce Dangers

The End

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