Dear Big Nose,

It's all relative.  Fatten your face and your nose will look smaller!  A steady diet of peanut butter milkshakes should eventually do the trick.  Jelly-filled donuts will also help.

Another approach is the fluffy mustache strategy.  Let your mustache bush out, giving it a perm might help giving it more body.  Eventually it will hide the larger part of your nose.  Be careful sneezing though, with that big honker of yours it might cause a backflow and blow out your brains.

Good luck, Bugle Beak.



Dear Marius,

I have had a life long ambition to become an advice columnist.  Since I was a child I have been opening people's mail and writing them long tomes of brilliant counsel. 

Recently, I began serving a ten year  prison sentence for tampering with the mail.  What advice would give me for starting my advice columnist career?  I presently have the time to truly invest myself in this endeavor.

Be aware that my mail is being censored by these ********** guards.

Yours sincerely,

# 345574


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