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I enjoy my job.  I'm good at it and it pays well.  The only problem is... the people who write to me about their problems.  I mean, they're such losers.  Do they think I have nothing better to do than to sit here and sort out their sad lives for them?

However, as I stated before... I am good at my job, and I like to think that I provide a useful and necessary service.

Here is an example of a letter I received this week, and my reply:

Dear Marius

My best friend is driving me nuts.  She borrows my clothes, my possessions and my money, and never gives any of them back.

     I like the woman immensely, but the situation is trying my patience and my tolerance.  Do you have any suggestions for how I can deal with this?

Yours,

Tearing my hair out.

My reply:

Dear Hair-Tearing Person,

My goodness, what a whinger you are!  Did the good Lord not supply you with a tongue?  What is wrong with asking this woman for the items back?

     Besides, you should be grateful that you have a friend who admires your possessions so much that she wants to borrow them.  You should be flattered that she appreciates your taste so much.

    On the other hand, it could be that she is not such a good friend after all.  The practical advice I would give you, Hair-tearer, is to have a look in the ''for sale'' columns in your local newspaper, or check the listings on ebay.  See if you recognise any of your bits and pieces.  If you do, waste no time.  Call the police and have this lowlife arrested!

     As for the money, why not take matters into your own hands:  Invite the woman out for lunch.  Distract her attention during the dessert, and then take her wallet or purse.  You'll need to offer to pay, so that she doesn't notice the loss until later.  Then make use of her cash and credit cards and stay in town for a shopping spree at her expense.  If you make a list before you go out, you'll be able to replace all those missing items with brand new ones before she reaches home!

   Good luck.

Marius

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So, as you can see, I sorted that one out very easily.  Here's another:

Dear Marius,

     I'm very worried about my eldest son.  He's never had a girlfriend, even though he's a good-looking lad, though somewhat delicate  When I ask him about it, he says he'd rather stay in his room, and write poetry than go out with his college mates.  

Is this normal?

Yours,

Worried Father

And I replied:

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Marius is terrible at his job as a newspaper Agony Uncle, but fully believes that he's great. Each chapter should start with Marius' reply to the previous problem, and then pose another one for him to answer. I've started with a letter and a reply in the first chapter so you can get the gist of what he's like, and the sort of thing he considers to be good advice. Have fun!

updated Oct 22 '08 by Tasha_Noble