A man believes cleaning with fire is better than cleaning with water. He could be right. Or he could be crazy.
As he would any day of the week, Jake woke up from a restful night’s sleep and headed straight to the barbeque.
“There’s no better way to start the day,” he said to the birds splashing around in the birdbath that sat directly between the barbeque and the lawn tractor, “than to wash your feet with a little fire.”
With that, Jake set to turning on the propane, igniting the flame, and removing the grill from the barbeque (so he could get his feet in there more comfortably of course).
While he let the fire warm up, he went back into the house to get a few towels so his feet wouldn’t get too cold once pulled from the 600 degree flames. In his mind, there was nothing worse than getting a case of the shivers before heading out for a long day at the office.
What he hadn’t prepared for, was that a bird from the water filled bird bath might also get the idea that fire was a better bathing choice than water. So when he came outside, naked but for the towel wrapped around his feet, he shuddered at the site of a flaming bird that was touching down in all the trees in his backyard, and setting them on fire.
“My feet aren’t even clean yet!” he yelled at the bird as the towel dropped loosened from his ankles, leaving his feet exposed to the dirty ground as he chased the bird from tree to tree, hoping to catch it, use it to wash his feet, and then douse with water.
The chase went on for minutes, and by the time he finally got a hold of the bird, its wings were but smouldering, giving him nothing to clean his now embarrassingly dirty feet with.
Except, his entire backyard was now ablaze, giving him enough fire to wash his whole body with. What had been a terrible moment was becoming a glorious one. Then it turned again when he heard the sirens of what could only be a fire truck storming down his street.
Knowing that once they arrived on the scene they would ask him to stay away from the fire, he quickly threw the bird toward the bird bath and ran for a low hanging burning tree naked as the day he was born.
“Stop!’ he heard a voice boom from a large loudspeaker. “We’re here to fight your fire, please stay away from the burning bush. And please put on some clothes. We’ve got a hose with lots of water in it aimed at your backside.”
The jig was up and Jake knew it, He gathered up his towel and wrapped it around himself, making himself decent for the ever growing group of fire fighters gathering in his back yard.
“Don’t wrap the towel around you feet man!” the loudspeaker firefighter yelled in annoyance. “Cover up your naughty bits sir.”
“But my feet are so dirty. I haven’t yet had a chance to burn them.”
“Oh for the love of god, how many times do we need to come here and tell you how stupid it is for you to wash your feet with fire? Cover your penis now or we’ll blast it off with water.”
“Why are you guys always coming over here and ruining my morning routine? What would you do if I showed up at your barbeque one day and told you to stop shaving, or to stop weighing yourself on the scale?”
“If you came to my barbeque one morning?” the firefighter asked.
“Yes, what if I came to your barbeque and threw your soap away?”
“If you came to my house in the morning and went to my barbeque, I’d have no idea you were at my barbeque because I’d be in the shower, where sane human beings clean themselves in the morning.”
“Well then I’d use all your propane to give myself a bath in peace and quiet. Which, apparently, I can’t get at my own place.”
“Well then I’d arrest you for trespassing and thievery of gas.”
“No you wouldn’t because you’re only a fire fighter not an arrester of persons.”
“You mean a police officer?”
“Yes, you’re not one of those.”
“You don’t have a very solid grounding in reality do you? Who calls a police officer an arrester of persons?”
But by the time this sentence had left the firefighters lips, Jake had managed to slip his feet loose of the towel again and position his feet near some embers that had fallen from a nearby tree.
“Good god man, would you please stop trying to clean yourself with fire. What makes you think you’re going to get cleaner if you put your feet in a fire?”
“Well look at the trees. Before the fire they had a bunch of branches and leaves, and now that they’ve bathed in fire, the leaves are gone, the small twigs are gone, and all that’s left if the big strong trunk. Albeit a little black right now, but nothing a little fire can’t take care of.”
“So ideally then, the fire would wipe clear your arms and legs and other extremities and leave you with a nice black trunk?”
“I hadn’t really thought about it that way.”
“I’ve really, truly, never even thought there was another way to think about it.”
“There’s the train of thought that fire cleanses the soul. Isn’t there?”
“Like in the Bible and stuff? Are you referring to the Bible? As in God said cleanse the souls of his people with fire?”
“Yeah like that. Wouldn’t you have to wash with fire to accomplish that? I’ve gone through too many barbeques to be wrong on this one. My wife’s going to kill me if you tell me I’m crazy.”
“Well, think about it this way, do you also have an ark in your backyard?” the firefighter asked, assuming that since he saw none in the backyard, there could be none in the backyard.
“No, of course not, you can see my backyard, can’t you.”
“I’m just trying to point out that you don’t need to do everything you read in the Bible.”
“Oh, I was just trying to point out that you keep an ark in your basement during the summer months.”
“You’ve got to be kidding?”
“Want to see it?”
“Sir, I suggest you go talk to your wife. Barbeques are the least of your problems.”