CHAPTER 1: CARBON MONOXIDE

Anna & Alexa

They found him laying flat, head first in the oven, his arms twitching slightly by his sides.  The house was empty save for Alex’s prone body and the numerous firefighters making rounds to make sure that there were no other surprises.  Everybody outside assumed it was another fire scare; perhaps somebody had run an errand outside the house and forgot the dinner that was in the oven.  But as the crowd was pushed back, police officers yelling and forcing people behind the yellow CAUTION tape that they all knew and recognized, they began to realize it was something more. 

The panic that took over the growing crowd was sudden when the firefighters burst out of the front door in a flurried rush.  One carried the still body of the 19 year old found in the house.  The neighbors watched as a firefighter passed him to a paramedic who immediately laid him on a stretcher and began to roll him to the waiting ambulance, simultaneously hooking him up to oxygen and fluids and some multitude of wires and tanks.  The paramedic nodded to the firefighter who had handed her the boy.  “He’ll make it.”  He nodded back at her as she turned and jumped into the back of the ambulance, the colorful beads in her cornrows glinting in the early November sun.  They were less interested in the officer walking another young man, clearly shaken and on the verge of breaking down, away from the house to a parked police car across the street.  The crowd lost interest the minute the ambulance pulled out into the street with its siren blaring loudly, disrupting the typical morning silence.

The dozens of onlookers shuffled back to their respective residences, murmuring to each other how they knew something like that was bound to happen, validating each other’s statements of how he was always a little weird in the head and how they hadn’t seen him smile in quite some time.  As they huddled and whispered frantically to one another one girl stayed put in front of the now dead silent house.  She ignored the firemen packing into the single fire truck behind her and the stern warnings of the policemen to stay behind the yellow tape.  “It’s not safe yet.  We need to make sure all of the carbon monoxide is out of the house.  Why don’t you go on home?”  The sturdy squeeze to her shoulder did nothing to break her out of her trance.  The girl stood on the sidewalk staring at the front door well after the last officer left, shaking his head at the motionless teen. 

She stood there as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky, warming her skin as the coming noon light washed over her loosely done auburn braid and bare, freckled shoulders.  A few more moments passed when she finally moved and crumpled to the ground as her body was racked with sobs.  She crawled under the yellow tape and onto a piece of manicured lawn to curl up into herself as she was comforted by the pillow soft grass and the air saturated with her tears. 

The sun had peaked when she opened her eyes again.  The grass beneath her pricked lightly into her bare arms and she sighed at the sudden loss of sun’s rays and warmth.  Rolling onto her back she grinned at the figure standing over her.  “You’re blocking my sun.”  Unkempt curls moved with the wind and a small smile was given to the girl on the ground.

“He’s in the hospital.  They say he’ll make a full recovery.  You should get up now.”  Alexa kneeled down on the grass to join her girlfriend.  She draped her body over the others’ and searched out the other girl’s hand to interlock fingers.  “He’ll be okay.  We should go see him,” she whispered softly.  The small hand intertwined with hers tightened its grip.  “Anna…let’s go,” she breathed into her lover’s ear.  She kept her eyes closed and smiled a bit; and as she lay next to the soft body of her girlfriend Anna swore she finally knew what the universe meant.  Her smile grew as she nodded.

Alexa disentangled herself from the other girl as they each made a move to sit up.  She dusted herself off before offering a delicate hand to the still sitting Anna.  Hunter green eyes started at the hand and traveled up a slender, sloping arm to the loving face staring down at her.  Anna’s own mouth twitched into a small smile as she grabbed the offered hand and propelled herself up.  Interlocking fingers with Alexa she stepped forward to lead the way back to her house, to make a short pit stop before they headed to the hospital.

“Yeah, let’s go,” she chirped to Alexa, pulling her close and linking arms, “We’ve got a hospital bed to visit.”

 Beth & Jenna

“I want the receipt when you get back.”  Beth looked up at her father’s figure in the doorway.  Her friend hadn’t noticed the interruption and continued picking off her nail polish, the purple flakes collecting on a denim covered thigh.

“Sure, whatever.”  Her eyes followed him out the door and down the stairs.  She knew exactly why he wanted a receipt from her, even though it was her own debit card.  But she was also deviously cunning, and knew exactly how to get what she wanted.  She stood up and stretched, taking a moment to pocket the plastic.  Her shoes were already on and her cardigan was buttoned.  “Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” Jenna picked off the last piece of nail polish, letting it fall to her lap before she brushed it all into the trash bin next to her, “Let’s go.”  The two girls creeped down the stairs to the front door and out into the chilly New England evening.  The tip toeing and the sly looks they shared with one another were done merely out of habit as opposed to any genuine attempt to sneak out of Beth’s house.  Her mother had even sent them off with a good-bye of her own, knowing she would get no reply.  “It’s !*&&ing cold.”  Jenna shivered and rolled her sweater sleeves down.

“Yeah…definitely should’ve put on another layer,” Beth frowned as a breeze blew out her lighter’s flame, “or something else.  Whatever.”  The cigarette dangling from her mouth refused to catch light.  “Oh my god…this is so difficult.”  She threw the lighter to the ground in a huff.  “Yo…&!#$ that.”  Jenna cast a side eye at her friend.

“It’s probably out of lighter fluid,” her voice trailed off as she dug into her low hanging messenger bag, the strap slung sloppily across her chest, “I got a couple in here…or do you want matches?”  She cast another glance at the guffaw that escaped from Beth’s mouth.  “Or you can ##@@ing like…make fun of me.  Whatever.  Not like I’m trying to help you or anything.”  Beth playfully grabbed at the lighter in her friend’s hand whose mouth quirked into a small smile as she successfully lit her own cigarette.  Twin columns of smoke floated and swirled around the girls as they walked.  They were nearing their destination: a small shopping area in the center of their town.  Their original deal had fallen through after receiving a couple of text messages, so they decided that this time, maybe they would actually use the money to get food.

“Are you buying anything from CVS?”

“Buying?  No.  But we are making a stop; I need to pick some things up.”  Jenna’s voice trailed off again as she inhaled one last time before flicking the stub to the ground.  Smirking, Beth mimicked her actions as they stepped to cross the busy street in front of them.  The air was biting as they sped up their walk into the CVS in front of them.  As they huddled together in front of the automatic doors they each considered which part of the store they needed to visit.  Beth made the first move when she exclaimed, “I think I’m going to get a drink.  I need water.”  Jenna nodded and watched her friend saunter over to the freezer section and survey the wall of bottled liquids.  She shook her head and walked to the aisle to wander around for a bit.  She made sure to make a show of visibly checking out the different chocolate bars and bags of Skittles and Starbursts while taking momentary breaks to glance up and map out where the different security cameras were.  She smiled slyly to herself when she realized that she was in a perfect position to sneak a couple Hershey’s bars and a bag of Starbursts into her brown messenger bag.  She was in the perfect position, so she calmly proceeded to stuff the candy into her bag.

“Are we ready?”  Beth held a small water bottle in her hand and moved towards her friend.  “Oh, what did you get?”

“Nothing,” Jenna laughed awkwardly, “actually I got Starbursts because Anna and Alexa called me about it.”  Beth nodded and twisted open the cap to the water bottle.  Water was something she never paid for, and she was okay with that.

“And what about the chocolate?”  Jenna blushed.  

“Scott just got out of the hospital so I wanted to make sure to bring him something to welcome him back.”  She shuffled her feet, feeling foolish as she reveled in the scuffing sounds her sneakers made on the carpeted floor.  “You know his mom is so obsessed with like…whole grains and no processed sugar and stuff.”  Beth laughed out loud.  Jenna moved to walk away but was stopped by Beth who found herself eyeballing the candy.

“Wait...” she reached out to grab some smaller chocolate bars.  Once she felt her bag was full enough she closed it and slipped it back over her shoulder.  Beth looked over to the dark haired girl beside her, hazel eyes shimmering with mischief and smiled at sly look her friend gave her.  The girls shuffled out the back door, seemingly miles away from the ones they entered through.  Their cackles filled the night air as they moved swiftly through town to pick up some dinner before they met up with their group to welcome home one of their own.

 Sofia & Adrian

Sofia kicked the rogue sweatshirt off of her foot.  "How do I even live in here?"  She bristled in anger as her foot made contact with two, no, three socks.  She screamed in annoyance as her legs flailed wildly to get all of the stray clothes off of her bed. 

“Can you calm down?”  The long body next to her shifted as the gruff voice brought her out of her thoughts.  “Maybe if you cleaned up some time,” a long jean clad leg kicked a sports bra onto the floor, “and maybe if you did some laundry you wouldn’t be drowning in this mess,” he chuckled. 

“I hate doing laundry.”  Pouting at a pair of resistant jeans, innocently hanging onto the mattress she turned to her right to face King Leonidas and his screaming men.  Her eyes traveled down to his leather covered feet to her phone right below them.  "What time is it?  I don't even know."  She grabbed the device and flipped it open, the display clock brightly declaring the time to be 6:12 PM. 

“It feels so much later,” the boy next to her said.  Irritated groans filled the pink asylum as the dark haired teen sunk deeper into her bed, deeper underneath the thick, satin, magenta sea that acted as her comforter.  The warmth from the strong body lying next to her only added to the sense of comfort and protection that she was hesitant to leave.

Together, their bare feet grazed the footboard's carvings and she absentmindedly traced the intricate flora and leaf carvings on the hardwood with her toes.  Her arms reached above her head to her similarly carved headboard, and she soon found herself using her body to bridge the gap between the many wooden roses and vines gracefully decorating her bed.  His arms wrapped themselves around her slim waist, his fingertips lightly running up and down her side.  She felt her eyes closing when strong arms pulled her back into his strong chest.  Brown strands floated into her line of sight and tickled her nose.  She burst out into uncontrollable laughter as the arms around her tightened and long fingers began their work in tickling her flat, soft stomach.  She blew her hair off of her face and began struggling to turn around.  “Adrian, oh my God you need to stop,” she gasped for air “Adrian I can’t breathe!”  The fingers stopped and she coughed, poking at the pointed chin now resting and poking into her shoulder.  The brown eyes above that chin reflected love and mischief as they stared down at her. 

She turned to lie flat on her back and stare up at him.  People always commented on how they looked alike, and how it was the similarities in their looks that made the romantic relationship unnerving to those outside their group of friends.  There were obvious differences appearance-wise: male and female, his mole and her blemish-free skin and his hawk eyes to her owlish stare.  But one similarity was more than apparent to the two of them: that earthy brown and the permanent sparkle of silliness that defined the two of them.  He squeezed her arm in reassurance and she reciprocated the gesture on his forearm.  “I hear Scott’s home now.”  His voice was quiet, but still held a masculine strength that comforted her.

“Yeah,” she shifted a bit to sit up and lean against the wooden headboard, wincing slightly at the rose carvings poking into her back, “we’re supposed to hit up Blair’s later tonight.”  Adrian blinked in confusion.

“His house?”

“Yeah, we’re taking over the basement.” she murmured.  He nodded affirmatively.

“Makes sense.  Is everyone going to be there?”  Adrian began ticking off the possible guest list in his head.  Xander, Anna, Alexa, Blair, Hayden…

“Everybody’s showing up,” she pinched him, “including our resident manic pixies Beth and Jenna.”  Sofia almost peed as she laughed violently at her boyfriend’s expression.  She calmed down a bit when his eyebrows lowered to their natural position.  “I thought you said they were okay.”  He nodded again.

“No they’re totally fine.  They’re my friends too,” he grunted.

“I’m really excited to see Jenna,” she stretched her legs out and sighed in relief as her knees gave off loud, satisfying cracks, “she’s so odd and she’s never really available or there and never picks up her phone.”  She moved to cracking her toes.  “At least I can call Beth.”

“Oh Jenna,” he shook his head.  “She made me laugh a lot,” he paused, “but only on the internet.”  They both agreed that Jenna was a very strange girl.  In fact, they were all so strange, and because of their individual strangeness, it made for an exceedingly strange relationship between them; relationships that were so strange yet so normal at the same time.  One would realize that they were all tragic figures drawn to one another’s sadness or insanity.  Following that, one would come to the conclusion that each had something missing in them that they found in each other; they were the pieces of the proverbial puzzle that had been their lives.  People would assume that, and they would be very correct.

Adrian swung jean clad legs over the bed, bending over to slide into his bright sneakers.  As he finished tying his shoes he stood up and looked down at seated figure in front of him.  Sofia sat still, thinking about their group’s history, everyone’s individual story.  She thought about what she knew (Anna and Alexa coming out, Scott’s transitioning, Beth’s psychiatric problems) and what came as a surprise to her (Jenna’s dangerous eating habits and Adrian’s rampant alcoholism and abusive home life).  She thought about how they all found each and how they all saved each other or pushed one another to the edge only to bring them back once more.  She thought about a lot of things.  “Let’s go.”  His voice cut through her racing thoughts and she looked up at him already standing by the door out of her bedroom.  She nodded and slid off the satin sheets, hopping as she slid on her own boots.  He slid his arm over her shoulders, hugging her close as she giggled.  They soon found themselves outside the house huddled against each other to fight the brisk, evening chill as the waning November moon glowed coldly over them.

 Hayden & Addison

            Addison ran towards the stove top in a panic, quickly grabbing the pot holder and a strainer from the sink.  “Oh my god…Hayden,” she pulled the boiling pot of pasta off the stove and trotted over to the sink, “I asked if you could get the pot before it boiled over!”  She nearly jumped and dropped the pot of scalding water and pasta as droplets splashed onto her forearm and the steam moistened her hand uncomfortably.  She huffed when she finally poured the pot’s contents into the strainer, effectively discarding the water down the sink.  “You know,” she cast an exasperated look at her twin, “you said you wanted some, I’m not making all of this just for you to eat it all up without doing anything.”  Addison shook her head at the non committal grunt that came from the kitchen table away from her.  The loud, rapid typing coming from behind the laptop let her know exactly what she was up against.  “I don’t think you’re even doing work!”  She picked up a roll of paper towels and flung it at her sibling’s head in playful frustration.  “Stop blogging porn and help me get this food ready.”

            “Oh my god, stop it.”  Hayden caught the roll before it hit her head and put it on the table next to the laptop.  She crossed her arms and smirked at Addison as she huffed and turned back to the pasta in the sink and twiddle with long, blonde dreads over her shoulder.  “Don’t worry, I’ll help you in a bit,” Hayden’s voice lowered into a murmur as her mind became re occupied with the computer screen’s bright lights.  “For your information I actually am doing work.”  Hayden leaned back into the chair which hit the wall with a small, solid thump.  There was probably a mark there from how frequently Hayden leaned back fully in that chair.  “I’m editing one of the new writer’s articles for the site, it’s not that good.  I’m basically rewriting it.”  Addison turned and gave her twin a small, friendly smile.

            “It’s your own fault for offering to do so much of the work.”  Hayden shook her head.

            “Not really, she did a lot...no…most of the actual research she was supposed to.   I guess she just needs to work on her actual writing.  She’s really smart and that’s why my boss hired her as an intern and all, I just offered to edit her articles and work directly with her; it’s honestly the easiest part.”  Hayden’s voice trailed off as hazel eyes traveled back and forth between the letters and numbers on the computer screen and Addison’s own hazel pair looked on in pride.

            “The only reason it’s easy for you is because it’s nothing new to you,” she dumped the strained, semi-dry tortellini into a large ceramic bowl and stuck her hands under the running cold water, “you knew everything already.”  Hayden tilted her head in acknowledgement.

            “Yeah…well, I mainly served my purpose as an encyclopedia.”  She ran a slim hand through a shaggy faux hawk.  For the most part, everybody and anybody could see that they were twins.  They both shared their biological dad’s hazel eyes and dirty blonde hair.  But while Hayden’s was style in a trendy, androgynous faux hawk, Addison’s was held back by a brightly colored paisley bandanna and twisted into thick dreadlocks, a style she fell madly and deeply in love with during a summer volunteer trip to Jamaica.  They even had the exact same face: soft, delicate and feminine. 

But while Addison embraced her entire femininity, which included a love for bright flowers, long hair and everything soft, frilly and covered in lace and satin, Hayden knew that she didn’t fit comfortably at all with being as much as a girl.  Back when Addison and Hayden were introduced as twins, a pair of peas of the same pod, onlookers looked past their adoptive dad’s hulking frame to stare at the “precious little girls” he had all dolled up for public, relatives and family company.  Hayden had suffered through the countless times people would paw and coo at her as adult are prone to do at adorable young children.  But as they went on petting her and hugging her, she figured out pretty early on that there was more than a little princess inside that petite body.  The only person privy to Hayden’s early struggles was the beloved Addison, whose twin’s intuition automatically tuned her in to what her sibling was quite possibly feeling.  The two of them were sure that it was because they were twins, that they were closer to each other than any other person would ever be (aside from maybe their adoptive dad, but even then with how much they loved and adored him the relationship was just so different), that Addison was the only person who ever acted around her with a completely natural ease.  It was probably because they were twins that Addison was the only person who never had, and who never would raise an eyebrow and awkwardly question fauxhawked twin’s decidedly ambiguous, androgynous appearance.

“Anyway…Scott’s back,” Addison walked over to the fridge to open and stare vacantly at the cluster of fruits, vegetables, juices, meats and cheeses, “And everyone is going to Blair’s house,” she made a noise of revelation as she found what she was looking for and made a grab for it, “to like…welcome him back.”  Hayden stared at her.

“Okay,” Hayden sighed, “So that’s tonight?”  Addison nodded.  “Ah, well I guess I better finish this paper then.”

“Are you almost done?”

“I mean yeah, I can finish up pretty quickly and still have it be good.”  She looked over at her sister.  “To be honest, I’m just surprised he’s getting out this soon.”  Addison walked back over to the bowl of pasta by the sink, bag and bottle of parmesan and mozzarella cheeses in each hand.

“That’s so true.  I think his mom might have pulled some strings to get him out.  She knows how he is about hospitals.”

“And we all know how SHE is about him being in a hospital.”

“Yeah.”  The twins allowed the comfortable silence between them to grow as each became once more occupied with their own thoughts.  Allison sighed once more as she covered the still steaming bowl of pasta with the cheese she had picked from the refrigerator.  She dug a wooden spoon into the squishy mass and relished in the smell of the heated pasta and the resounding squelching sound it delivered as she did so.  The pasta was getting really sticky and the more olive oil and cheese she added the sticker it got.  She found herself getting excited for her and her sister’s dinner.

“Are we bringing anything to Blair’s house?”  Hayden peered over the laptop screen again at Allison.  Her nose picked up the smell of dinner and she smiled.  Allison sighed for the umpteenth time as she paused in her actions and contemplated her twin’s question.

“Yeah,” Hayden’s rapid typing slowed and Allison walked over, one pasta-piled plate balanced in each hand, “I have an ounce of weed over in my closet, and we’ll bring that.  You know we’re going to need it.”

“Awesome.

Alexander

To say Alexander was surprised when Scott had attempted to kill himself was both a gross understatement and a vicious lie.  He scowled up at his ceiling as his hands clenched the thick forest green comforter under him.  The snarling creatures painted above him stared back down at him, their smirking features seemingly challenging him.  He could hear them, their whispers gnawing at the jagged edges that surrounded his mind.  One creature in particular seemed out to get him, out to completely destroy him: a Lovecraftian ghoul built of tentacles and ooze that he painted in a panic inducing fit of anxiety.  He could hear it snarl at him just as perfectly as he could feel the moist breath on his face as they stared at each other.  The monster’s beady acrylic eyes stared down at him, challenging him.  Alexander frowned, and then he grimaced.  He was feeling threatened by his own painting; he could feel his mind slipping, falling apart bit by bit.

“@!^$ Scott.”  He was so worried about him.  Finding one of his best friends head first and unconscious in an oven, about to knock on death’s door was quite possibly the worst was to start the day.  “All we needed to do was finish that damn piece,” he whispered to nobody.  That morning’s events played over in his head repeatedly, the image of his friend’s frail body hanging out of the oven was burned permanently into his memory.  A shiver visibly passed through his prone body as he remembered walking into the kitchen.  Alexander had spent the night at his brother’s and Scott had told him that nobody would be home.  Did he plan for him to see that?  Alexander shook his head.  No, Scott had been dark, but never morbid.  He remembered time stopping for a tremendously fast moment; it stopped for a hiccup of his life.  But as life was, that pause was only an instant, and Alexander had found himself moving on autopilot right afterward.  He walked into the kitchen, calmly stepping over the splayed out legs of his housemate and to the sliding door that opened into a small, unkempt backyard area.  He slid the door open, stepped outside, took out his phone and proceeded to dial 9-1-1.

“This is 9-1-1, what is your emergency?”

“Um…I think my housemate…tried to kill himself?”

“Sir, please stay on the phone, where are you?”

“In my house…no…right outside my house.  He’s in the oven.”  Alexander barely registered how tightly he was gripping his phone.  The sides bit into his palm as he completely ignored the pain.

“Don’t worry.  Stay calm, I’m dispatching help to your location right now.  They’ll be there soon.  Stay outside…”  He slowly brought the phone away from his ear as he proceeded to tune the robotic voice out. 

“I am calm.”  He sat down on the gravel that separated the grass from the sliding glass door.  He was calm, and that might have been the worst part about all of this.

Scott  

He had this small feeling that something would go wrong.  As Scott systematically closed every door and window in his bright, suburban home he couldn’t help but feel like he would probably wake up later.  If it fails and I wake up here…then I can pretend like nothing happened or something.  He knew the worst case scenario was him waking up hooked up to IVs, tubes and tanks in a white room that smelled of disinfectant and medical purgatory.  He knew the worst case scenario would be waking up to the pitying coos of a faceless nurse whose name he would never remember and the judgmental looks of a doctor who only saw his age.  He knew there was a worst case scenario if his plan didn’t go without a hitch.  Scott stood in front of the key to his freedom: the stove.  He eagerly reached for the knobs to turn on the gas and just as eagerly jolted his hands back.  He choked back a sob as he stared at the violently shaking hands in front of him, the enormity of his future actions hitting hard. 

The worst case scenario had him waking up in a hospital, forced to face the rest of his days suffering under the crippling weight of his despair – a metaphorical, modern day Atlas.  But the best case scenario had him dead.  He had thought about this long enough, suffered silently for so many years and weighed out the pros and cons to ending it all.  It was the finality of the possible outcome that drove his slight hesitation.  But while he was hesitant, twisting and turning the knobs of the oven, not really committing to turning the gas on, it wasn’t enough to put a stop his efforts completely.  In the back of his mind, a place so dark and tormented by the self conjured demons, he knew that is was that same notion of finality that comforted him.  He realized it was because he wished for ashes and the end of all things.  He knew that it was nature and that everything must die.  Like most people, he was riding on the hope that it was the absolute end and that there was no more hurting, no lingering and no hanging around waiting for completion. 

It was that same promise of finality that finally pushed him to turn on gas and throw open the oven door.  Kneeling down he crawled into the stove as much as he could comfortably and waited.  He started coughing after a couple of minutes, and soon felt faint and violently dizzy.  He barely registered the carbon monoxide monitors in the nearby rooms going off as his arms gave out under him and his body collapsed to the floor of the stove.  He couldn’t really breathe anymore, and everything was going dark, like someone was slipping a filter over his eyes.  He knew he still lacked any idea of what was on the other side.  “Whatever it is, it has to be better than this,” he croaked before he was abruptly pulled from consciousness.

Like he knew he would, he woke up in a hospital to a mouse-like nurse with false pity in her eyes.  He looked up from his spot on the ground and pinned her with a harsh, dark stare; it taunted her, screamed at her just how she didn't understand a single thing that could be running through his mind, and how she would never, ever know.  She tsked at him and moved to leave the room breezily saying, “I guess I’ll get the doctor.”  She had barely cleared the door before being forcefully shoved aside by a frail ghost of a woman.

“Oh Scott,” the woman strode up to his bed and grasped for his hands, not truly believing that it was her son in that bed, as pale and blank as the sheets covering him.  Taking his hands in hers she brought them to her eyes and he felt the tears streaming down her cheeks and dampening his knuckles.

“Mom,” he whispered.  He was crying too now.  Like he figured, everything had gone wrong.

            “Shhh…” she hiccupped into hands, “Mommy knows.  It’s okay.”

            “I’m so sorry.”

            “Everything will be okay.  I promise.”  More quiet sobs filled the room.

            “Darling Scott!”

            “Scotty-baby!”  Two pairs of eyes flew to the two girls who rushed into the room.  “We saw what happened,” Anna pulled Alexa towards the bed and Scott felt his heart warm at the freckled pair when Anna spoke again, “we’re here too now.”  His head dropped down and black bangs covered green eyes.  His mother was right, it would take a while, but with people who understood, everything would one day turn out okay.

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