Asher is an Angel, and a rather unconventional one at that. Simon is human, and his life just about sucks right now. Angelica is rich and gorgeous, and she's got a chip on her shoulder the size of Asia. These three must unite as (rather strange) allies if they want to have a chance of changing the world. For the better.
A word of advice - never annoy your employer. OK? Just to get that one straight.
OK. So. Fine. Glad we’ve cleared that up. Erm.....I’m not very good at explaining things, so let’s get this one over quickly, eh?
Right. Good. Er...If someone asked you what you were, what would you say? Postman? NO, bigger than that. Man? Child? Bigger still. Human? You’ve got it. That’s what you’d say, isn’t it? Well, unless you’re the Loch Ness Monster (which I think unlikely), in which case your answer is probably going to be ‘splash’.
Well, what if I told you that I am.......different? And again - BIG different, not just ‘I-don’t-fit-in’ different. I’m basically in the same league as Nessie. Because......don’t laugh or scream, or whatever you humans do.........I’m NOT human. Thank God!
Calm down, hear me out before you go mad! I’m not a pig or a bear or a monkey or anything (although if you were thinking bird, then you are as close as it gets. But still not close enough!!). I’m not even from outer-space. No, I’ve got these bloody great wings, and a flipping great halo that puts backlight all over your face and is damn inconvenient. It makes us look really ill1.
Yes, clever you, I’m an angel. And before you get any silly ideas, it’s not all it’s made out to be. You humans have got us COMPLETELY WRONG, I will tell you that now.
And before you ask, I’m not a cherub. Unless you’re Archangel Gabriel (which I’m not) then the phrase ‘fun and games’ is completely redundant.
And now you’re telling me I’m wrong because angels live forever and we can fly and all that stuff. And I suppose you’re more of an expert on angels than I am? No, I really don’t think so, do you? Sorry to burst your bubble and everything, but you’ve completely got the wrong end of the stick.
How best to explain this...? OK, if you want to leave your job, what do you do? And don’t say ‘put up with it’. I mean, if you REALLY needed to leave. Seriously. Properly. Forever. OK, you walk out. I mean, you may have to give notice or something stupid, but you can still leave at the end of it. It may not be fantastic, but you could always get another job without too much trouble? Or maybe with a lot of trouble (I don’t know how clever you are) but that’s beside the point.
This is a really bad way of telling you, but just bear with me, OK? I’m working on my human-skills.
Well, for angels, it doesn’t really work like that. Leaving and giving notice and all that jazz. The point is, we’re slaves. If we get really fed up, or tired, or ill (or just downright bored) then the answer is ‘tough luck, ducky’. And I tell you now, being Guardian Angel to hordes of humans is NOT my idea of fun. I mean, you’re just so pathetic. I got really bored a few years ago and neglected my human a bit. Went sightseeing. It was great fun...until I caused World War One. God wasn’t too pleased with me, but I survived! Are you starting to get the picture? Good.
So, what do we actually do? You may already know that there are two types of angel - Angels and Archangels (I am an Angel, despite my obvious Archangel qualities that seem to have been overlooked). Both types do basically the same thing - we’re both Guardian Angels to several people. Only the Archangels get people of note like Queen Victoria, Henry VIII, Winston Churchill, and people like that. Gabriel got the Virgin Mary (lucky sod) which is why you all know his name.
Once upon a time, God tried to weed out all the bad people. Between you and me, it was a complete disaster. Why? Because there was a rather large flaw in the Lord’s flawless plan - you humans are, sadly, far too complicated to fall neatly into the categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Ah. Yes. So since then, he’s given up that kind of thing2 .
And if you displease the all-forgiving Lord? Angels don’t usually get second chances. Oh no. And we don’t even get to go to Heaven after our millennia of thoughtless toil. Oh no3. So instead, we nip down to Purgatory and man the doors to Heaven and Hell. Oh what good fun. Not. This is why you don’t want to annoy the greatest being on (or off) Earth. Get it?
So who am I? Well, you know I’m an angel (worse luck). And since I was created about three millennia ago, you would have thought that God would have given me a day off. And another thing with being created so long ago, is that the fashion in names has changed a bit. I mean, how many Ruebens do you know? Or Isaacs? I mean, they’re still around. Just. But they’re not your run-of-the-mill name, are they? Whereas names like Daniel, Joseph, David and Gabriel are around still. I ask you - Gabriel! It’s what comes of being the most-h’important-high-ranking-top-bod-guy.
My name is Asher, which sadly, you don’t here so much of nowadays. But anyway, I’ve done enough moaning and groaning for today. To be honest, I’m surprised you’re still here.
1: Unless you're Gabriel, and then you can carry it off with panache. Comes from being an Archangel, I suppose.
2: Oh yes, we Angels STILL have to try and steer you the right way. I mean, Jesus! You'd have thought that you would be able to do that yourselves. Oh no. Anyway, sometimes we get our steering completely wrong. Check out Adolph Hitler...
3: Well, being Angels, we practically LIVE there, so it would be kind of pointless, wouldn't it?