I can’t breathe for approximately 8 seconds. Then I hyperventilate, panic setting in.
“WHAT?” I am shaking. I don’t know what to do, I’m only in 8th grade. The only other suicidal person I have had to deal with is myself, but I don’t count.
“I have to go now.” He says. “No. I’m calling you now.” I type quickly, log out and run to my phone dialing his number quick,
“Destiny?”His voice cracks. I sigh, only realising now that I am crying a little. “Otto- are you okay, what’s going on?” “I just don’t feel like life is worth living...” oh god oh god oh god oh god. “I assure you, it is please, stay.” “No, It’s not...” “Where are you?” “on my kitchen floor, looking at a bottle of my moms old pills.”
I’m sobbing now. I can’t help it. I’ve never cried this much before. I can’t breathe. “Please... I’m so sorry, I’m sorry....” guilt floods my body, and I’m not sure what for anymore. I feel as though it’s all my fault that he’s in the position, that I made him deal with my problems. That I made him fix me and never made it obvious that I was there for him, too. “It’s not your fault- don’t cry please, don’t” “Where is your mom?” “At work.” “Your sister?” “Friends house” Breathe Destin, Breathe.“I’ll be there in a bit please, text Jules, please.” “okay.”
Jules was my old best friend. The one who introduced me to Otto, the one who spread rumors about me and the bullied me and made me feel like nothing and was one of the reasons I needed so much fixing in the first place.
I call my aunt- she’s a therapist, maybe she can help. “Can you drive me to my friends house- it’s an emergency.” I gasp, “What’s going on.” “Otto- he wants to take his life and I don’t know what to do.” “Okay, okay sure be there in five minutes.” She hangs up.
Five minutes seems like five hours in my little house. The anxiety in my chest is so built up, I’m surprised I haven’t fainted yet. Otto- my best friend, dark brown hair and dark brown eyes and old red sweatshirts and doctor who and harry potter. The kid who holds my hand when I’m scared and tells me things will be okay even when they’re not. The kid who’s grandmother teaches math and has cancer. The boy with mysterious scars and a perfect smile with plenty of dimples.
My best friend and the boy I’m in love with might not live to see tomorrow.
My aunt pulls up and I jump in the car and tell her his address quickly. “Okay, so what happened?” She says softly. Her eyes are breaking from the road, looking at me, then back at the road. A ping pong table is set in front of her eyes. “I don’t know- he just told me... texted me that...” I don’t finish my sentence, the emotions in my chest have been draining me. “Okay, it’s okay honey, I’ll talk to him, it’s okay.” I stay quiet, letting my thoughts of depression and anxiety drown me deeper than I’ve ever been. Dark blue swarms of pain and guilt weaving in and out through me. why does he have to feel like this, too? I ask myself.
We pull up at his grey house, the sight is tired and dreary. I walk up the stone steps. The night has taken over the area and I can only properly see the door.
It opens before I knock. “I didn’t think you’d actually come.” His voice is connected to so much pain, his eyes aren’t warm and his hair is messy. He’s wearing a tee shirt. His arms exposed, freckles dusting them.
“That’s what friends are for.” I smile.
“Thank you,” he says, he’s crying a little now. “Come on,” I link my arm around his and lead him to my aunt in the car. “You’re Otto?” “Yeah.” “Lemme talk to you,” He climbs in shotgun and I sit in the back seat, listening in case there is something helpful for me to hear or say.
“There is always something to live for, you’re only what- 13? You’re so young, and things will get better. I know it doesn’t seem like it but it will.” “I don’t enjoy anything anymore.” “It’s the chemicals in your brain, there is nothing wrong with you, it just happens when you’re this age. You’re going to be great. you’ll meet a great girl- or guy- and you’ll love them with all your heart and they’ll love you too. There will be new things to look forward to, like new movies and new books and new shows and new food and sports and you’re going to be fine.” “But nobody likes me, I’m not important.” “You’re very important to Destiny- obviously. Or else she wouldn’t have taken you seriously. She wouldn’t have come. You’re lucky to have someone like her and she’s lucky to have you. I know for a fact that you’ve helped her a lot too.” “Destiny... She’s different...” He looks back at me now, for only a moment.
“You are too.” my aunt smiles at him, she’s a very soft person.
“Thank you, both of you.” “You’re welcome. do you feel better?” “Yes but, could you stay here... with me for a bit longer- just till my mom gets home.” “Of course.”
we sit in deafening silence for a few minutes. “You like music?” “Of course.” my aunt punches on the radio, and some rap song comes on. Otto starts laughing as she raps the lyrics, it’s a bit hollow, but it has more life than I could have hoped for. I hope he’s going to be okay.
I hope he’s not broken for too long, I’ll try to fix him.