Her name was Lucky, Lucky Dead Girl.
Now what makes a dead girl so lucky you ask? Well that there girl was bitten by one of them nasty brain eatin’ zombie freaks. And rather than turnin’ her into one of those flesh hungry freakazoids, it gave her super powers.
Now I’d say thats dang near to luck wouldn’t you? And boy howdy if you had somethin’ else to say about it, she’d kick yer ass straight from here ta Tanamazoo. Where’s Tanamazoo you might ask? Well sir, that ain’t parta this story today. So shut yer yap, and I’ll tell ya the tale of how Lucky Dead Girl came to be, and how she dealt with her new powers. In a little town called Regutown USA, or as the kids called it, Weirdsville.
It all started, as many of the great love stories do, over a boy. A boy named Jack. Now Jack was an all American athlete, I’ll tell you what, he could run, jump, swim, throw and catch. Jack-of-all-Trades, the boys used ta call him. Now Jack, bein’ so athletic and all see, he was gettin’ himself some mighty fine attention from the other team, and I ain’t talkin’ bout the visitin’ team. No I mean girls, big, busty, beautiful American girls; All American girls for an all American athlete.
But there was one girl in particular, and that was the pretty prom queen three years runnin’, miss Jessie Hill. She could out beautify any other of them beauties in the school with just a wink of her eye. Yes sir, that Jessie Hill was one mighty fine piece o’ work. And ol’ Jack-of-all-Trades, he just kept doin’ what he did best, played his sports.
Now Jessie, she liked that pretty boy Jack, but she, like any other livin’ breathin’ beauty would never let on. So she’d prance around in her tight clothes from dawn until dusk, poutin’ her lips and pushin’ out that sweet ass, just so Jackie boy would take a look see and come a knockin’. Problem was, Jackie boy was a one hundred preecentile homosexual. One o’ them flammin’ puffers you see on the tee vee. And no one knew it but him, ‘specially, the beautiful miss Jessie Hill. So, on she went, always expectin’ the call from ole’ Jackie boy and every night that call never came.
Finally after waitin’ for what seemed like forever, miss Jessie Hill got herself an idea. Why not lure ol’ Jack-of-all-Trades, away from his friends that he seemed mighty interested in spending time with over the girls, and then she’d have her way with him. And who could say no to a beeauty like Jessie Hill, she thought. So she devised the plan, and decided that there ol’ graveyard might be the best place to catch Jackie boy on his own. Seein’ as he would walk through there every afternoon to get himself home from school.
Now the one thing about Regutown was that it was nicknamed Weirdsville for a reason, but it was a reason that the adults and most of the horny teenagers, save that of a bunch o’ them nerdy types, missed. And that reason is, Regutown had the highest capita of missin’ persons in the entire country. People went missin’ everyday. Yet no one, not even our most intelligent presidential elect, seemed to notice.
And the thing was the reason these people went missin’. It twernt no serial killers or runaways, it was pure Evil. And I ain't just talkin' bout Zombies. No Sir, this Evil created those flesh eaters, but it runs deeper than them, and many other types a critters and things it created. And our story begins with the moment miss Jessie Hill met this Evil head on, in the cemetery...