Have you ever thought you knew someone inside and out? Like really knew who they were, could trust them with every inch of your being? Have you met your soul mate? The guy you could spend the rest of your life with, the guy you would give anything just to be near. To touch, to taste, to take in every part of them with all your senses and still feel that invisible connection, a sixth sense. Is it like he can read your mind? Do you finish each others sentences? Is he one of your best mates? Do you trust him with your life?
I felt all those things, I trusted him, I was there once, in that place, we were untouchable, we were solid, we had something special. You have to believe I thought I would lay down my life for him, id do anything to make him happy. Don’t get me wrong, as far as I knew he felt the same, no I knew he felt the same….at least he did once. Im not sure how it happened but the light slowly faded, the more he pulled I pushed and the more I pushed he pulled….maybe it was the pressure, fame can do that to people, you see it all the time don’t you? People love to read about celebrities, every single sordid detail, plastered over every rag in London…sometimes the world. It makes me sick to the stomach, the fact people get some sordid pleasure when they read about other peoples misery, yes we are human after all…mind you I asked for it, the money, the lifestyle, the fame. What they don’t tell you is in return you give up your private life, its no longer ‘private’ but some twisted version of big brother, people waiting, hoping even to read about the next shit thing to happen to you.
So anyway, I blame the media pressure mostly, we aren’t always going to be perfect, and the public expect certain things from us
‘When’s the next photo shoot?’
‘Any plans for a duet?’
‘So do I hear the chime of wedding bells yet?’
….maybe if things had been different, we wouldn’t be in this mess, its just…if we weren’t public property, the pressure would have been off, we could do what ever we wanted and no-one would give a damn…I cant blame it all on that though, cracks were starting to show for a long time, ive been keeping my secret far to long and it was eating me up inside. I couldnt even look at him some days, I felt so much guilt….i wish I could say I had cheated but this was worse….if I told him I will lose everything, but if I didnt i was going to anyway. I couldnt live with myself either way.
I was going to tell him, that afternoon. I had been out all day, just wondering aimlessly round my hometown. Id told mum I was visiting friends, id left him with my brothe. Visiting family was long overdue and he got on well with mum. I knew as soon as we got home I would tell him, I had to…I really wanted this to work you know, I wasn’t going to bail out.
I remember it clear as anything, I was sitting on the park bench, gathering my nerve
‘he has to know, you owe him the truth, he would never hurt you’
‘but if I tell him will he hate both of us?’
I remember distinctly at that point I felt quite sick to my stomach, could I do this? Was it my place to ruin their relationship too?
Then the phone call came from outta the blue. I looked down expecting one of two people…it was neither. A strange number, I hesitated, finger lingering over the answer button before answering
‘Heidi? Is that you?’
‘Look Lis, it took a lot for me to ring you, I’ve been worrying about it for a while but I have to tell you, you deserve to know the truth…’
‘I don’t understand, what are you talking about?’
A pause…no sound for what seemed like eternity
‘Lis, your Scott has been cheating on you….for a few weeks now’
Dry mouth. Can’t breathe. Legs give way
‘What?...don’t be stupid’
‘Lis he has been cheating on you, I know because…because its with me ok…I’m so sorry..’
People you trust are the ones that can’t hurt you the most, that day he broke my heart, tore it into a thousand pieces….the trust was gone.