For Fantasy Fiction episode 33: Sea Monsters and Hobgoblins
Also winner of least descriptive title
It was a mid summer afternoon on the open seas, and Disgusting the hobgoblin was making his way across the Sea of Badass Storms. They were in one such storm right the balls now; lightning and wind and shit was everywhere as they were rolling up and down the biggest goddamn waves you ever did see.
Disgusting was so disgusting that even his mother knew when he came out of her. She was like “damn that is one ugly ass baby”, named him Disgusting, and gave him to a bunch of pirates to do what they wanted. The pirates begrudgingly made him a pirate as well, since his truly awful, terrifying face could be used to coerce their enemies into handing over their booty or whatever they wanted cause I mean damn was his face just truly Disgusting (with a capital D).
The storm was nearly tearing the ship apart as it crashed into the water after rolling over the crest of one huge-ass wave.
“I’m not going to make it,” said Disgusting dejectedly. Not only his face, but also his attitude towards life, was Disgusting. I really want to emphasis how disgusting this hobgoblin is. Like really, dude, just get some plastic surgery or something geez you’re stinking up the place.
After he was with the pirates for a while, they just started getting tired of his shit, and they left him out in the sea while he was sleeping. This was why he was alone at sea.
Suddenly a break could be seen in one of the waves. It appeared to be a tentacle, but Disgusting couldn’t see properly in the darkness of the storm. He rolled down, then up onto the next wave, and saw before him a terrible sea beast!
The beast was large and terrifying: it had many tentacles that wiggled all over the place, slapping the water and causing great splashes. In the centre of this heaving mass of tentacle was a huge mouth filled with like a million rows of razor sharp teeth, all gnashing. The monster only seemed to have tentacles and a mouth and it was truly, truly Disgusting.
“Oh my god,” Disgusting said. “It’s just as disgusting as I am!”
The beast merely roared in his general direction, but did not destroy his ship, which he took to be a good sign.
“Say… what do you think about maybe having some dinner later tonight? I could have like some fish or something and you could have whatever sea beasts eat.”
The beast roared again, and manoeuvered itself so that Disgusting could jump onto whatever could be called its back. Disgusting jumped onto it, and the beast moved on.
During their time at sea, Disgusting and the beast got to know one another, and I think they really started to hit it off. The beast’s name turned out to be Gglkjrmb, which in its native language means “Damn that is one ugly ass baby”, and as a result he had been shunned by the other sea monsters. Disgusting told that one story about how he had scared an entire town into giving them all the money they had because he was so disgusting that people would do whatever he said if it made him go away. The monster made a sound that kinda sounded like “nah man, it’s all cool you’re alright by me”.
After a long time, Disgusting could see land ahead. It was the sea town of Newport, so named since it was destroyed by monsters like every other day, and its people were extremely unimaginative. Disgusting and Gglkjrmb hurried into the town. They parked at one of the piers, and Disgusting went into town for supplies. Most of the townsfolk ran away from him at first sight, so he just stole what he could and left money for when they came back. On his return trip to the pier, he saw a bunch of waves rushing towards the town. They broke on the walls but out of the waves came like fifty sea monsters! There was a Godzilla clone, a Cthulhu clone, pretty much every major monster had a clone in this army of monsters. The townspeople, after coming back when they realised Disgusting had left, came back and were pretty blasé about the whole situation. They ate this kinda stuff for breakfast.
“Ahh Gglkjrmb, I see you’ve finally shown your ugly ass face,” said one, as the rest of the monsters ransacked the town. The monsters took care to respect the people; they had a deal going on for the tourism.
“I’m only here because I need to be,” Gglkjrmb said.
“Oh, and why’s that?”
At that moment, Disgusting came walking up. “What’s up Gglkjrmb?” He spotted the huge monster, which was a really fake looking version of Godzilla. “Oh, this shithead.” He pulled out the sword he still kept from his pirating days, and threw it at the monster. Nobody was surprised to see the sword spin into the water, like 50 metres short of the monster itself.
“Leg it!” he shouted, and jumped onto Gglkjrmb’s back. The two rode off into the sunset, lit from behind by the fires coming from the town of Newport.
THE END, I guess