Deja Vu

I wanted him to hold me, to tell me everything would be okay. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. It wasn’t his style.

He placed the movie in the PS3 and placed play. But we both knew we wouldn’t be watching the movie. My mind was preoccupied. Who was the mysterious girl who had invaded my consciousness and how did Scott know her? I knew James would tell me, eventually.

His eyes were on me and I was amazed at how intense the expression was. It was a confused intense, like he was having conflicting emotions. Kinda like me.

Part of me wanted to pull him in closer to me, hold him like he held me, and kiss him. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. I wasn’t that brave. Part of me wanted to know about Scott and the girl. And the rest of me just wanted to forget all the emotions and hormones coursing through me and watch the movie in front of me. The last was not likely to occur.

“Would you mind helping me with my portrait?” He asked.

“I can’t draw,” I answered quickly before realizing that he was the artist.

He laughed and I blushed, even though I was trying my hardest not to. It just made me blush more. His laugh was a rare sound that wrapped its way around him, lighting him up.

He stopped quickly as though surprised by the sound. It was probably something he hadn’t done in a while.

“I’ll only tell you if you tell me about the girl,” I said. I wasn’t about to let him distract me so easily.

He sighed. “Must you really be so difficult? Why do you need to know?”

“Scott changed when I mentioned her. He wasn’t himself. I need to know who she is James. I have a feeling she needs my help,” I replied.

“That’s impossible. She’s dead. Scott feels guilty. He is the reason she’s dead after all. If he had protected her better, she’d still be here,” he answered, anger taking over his usually calm tone.

“Who was she? How do you know about her? You and Scott don’t exactly seem like best buds.”

“Her name was Jaz. I was in love with her. Scott couldn’t deal with that. She died in my arms. No matter how long I live, I will never be able to erase that memory. I watched as the light left her eyes while she faded away. I can never forgive him for letting her die.”

I was silent. How could one person hold that much pain inside them without bursting? I wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him it would be alright. But how could someone even start to fix a hurt that deep? I couldn’t imagine. It reminded me of the other day in the nurse’s office. The screaming, the terror, the sadness. James felt pain like that everyday.

I slowly scooted closer to him and wrapped my arms around his still body. “You saved me. You didn’t let him get me. I owe you my life James. I’ll never forget that.”

He responded by turning and wrapping me up in his strong arms. “Thank you so much Chris. I thought I would never meet another person who could make me laugh like she did. I’m glad I met you.”

It amazed me that after everything he had been through, he could still find happiness in life. I was even more surprised that he had found it in me. I was stunned to say the least.

Apparently it showed on my face. “Don’t look so surprised. You are so magnetic. I don’t know how you can be so blind to it. Everyone else around you glows because of your influence.”

My brain screamed at me. He likes you! He just called you amazing. Respond!!

“I still need help with my portrait. I seem to be missing a subject,” he said, the light from the TV catching the metallic gold flecks in his beautiful green eyes.

He wants to draw you! Totally Titanic. What are you waiting for Chris? This moment could not possibly get any better.

“I have the perfect background. I saw how you eyed the balcony when we pulled up. I just have to get my supplies. Follow me”

My body was on auto-pilot, moving itself to follow after him. I was in too much shock to do much else. My feet climbed the beautiful staircase to the upstairs hall. I waited he went to get his supplies. Had the sun been able to shine through the clouds, it would have bathed the hall in light. It was such a peaceful space.

I didn’t belong. I was sweaty and messy and so not normal. I didn’t belong in James’ perfect world, no matter what he said to contradict that.

I wanted to cry, long and hard as I waited for him. I could never be the love he lost. How could I even try to compete with a memory?

I guess a tear had fallen because when he came back, he gently wiped it from my cheek. He didn’t say anything, just slowly took my hand and led me to the balcony.

While he set up, I sat down on a black metal chair that overlooked the driveway. I laid my head on the railing and looked out into the forest that surrounded us.

I was about to move so I could get into whatever position he needed me, but as if he read my mind, he raised a hand to stop me. “Don’t. You look beautiful.”

I willed myself not to blush, but couldn’t stop the small smile that made itself home on my face. I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear as it fell into my eyes.

I tried to ignore the voice in my head that kept reminding me that he had called me beautiful. I didn’t need a reminder. The butterflies in my stomach wouldn’t let me forget anytime soon.

I looked back into the forest and focused my attention on the sunlight fighting its way through the thick canopy of leaves.

It felt very déjà vu. I wondered silently where I had seen the scene before while James drew. The sounds of the charcoal against the canvas soothed my nerves.

The slow scratching is what made me remember the wolf. How could I possibly forget the strength and beauty of the chestnut wolf and its stormy eyes? It had scared me sure, but it had also intrigued me. I wondered who would have won if I hadn’t interrupted the fight. My first thought was the wolf, but I couldn’t underestimate the boy and his silent strength. He had pinned me against myself without any visible effort and I wasn’t a weak person. But it had been a dream and things are rarely what they appear to be.

I had probably just imagined the boy to be so strong because I hadn’t been feeling to strong myself that day. But even as I thought it, it didn’t feel true. That boy bothered me and I didn’t know why. I should have been more scared of the wolf, all common sense pointed to it being the dangerous one. But my instincts told me different. The boy was the true threat.

I tried to ignore the feelings that were telling me to run. It was just the resemblance to the dream that had my nerves on edge. I was in no real danger here. Not while I was with James and Scott was far away.

The End

92 comments about this story Feed