Love is such powerful emotion, so many forms…yet they all have one thing in common. Love doesn’t just slowly form in a trickle like a stream, or with a fast paced current like a river. Love doesn’t come along steadily like the incoming tide, nor does it hit you like a wave. Love isn’t thin like water, it doesn’t just cover you gently and caress your soul. Love is the complete opposite. It comes flooding over you like a mass of molten rock, it carries both harmony and destruction. The binding of two opposites, solid and liquid; Passion and destruction.
As you begin to feel love’s embrace, you can feel the warning embers being released from the rock inside of your soul- much like a volcano. More often than not, you dismiss those warnings, oblivious to what love truly holds in store for you. Gradually those small embers become larger, smoke begins to drift through your body, embracing every inch of you. Though the smoke is barely visible, there’s no doubt it exists. You still don’t realise what is happening as the smoke begins to cause you euphoria and an unusual tingling warmth within you.
With each warning sign you dismiss, the temperature increases. Whenever you’re around them, your cheeks become flushed, your body flustered. Still you continue to fall into the trap. Slowly but surely, a stream of molten rock begins to trickle through you, at first the orange and red indicate the passion. Unbeknown to you it’s the calm before the storm.
As the volcano inside of you erupts, you begin to feel high off the fumes. Every inch of you begins to grow comfortable with the sensations, perhaps even careless. You start to feel as if everything is beneath you, as if you are on top of the world. You believe you have already won, that nothing can defeat the feelings you have. Oh how wrong you are. The more comfortable and blissful you become, the sooner the fire within you starts to cool down.
You think nothing about this cooling sensation, it’s just a natural thing that it happens to everyone. Which is true to an extent. Time passes by, the clock tick-tocking away. Slowly the molten lava within you starts to cool, reversing back to its original form. Now it is down to you whether it makes you or breaks you. As the fire within you cools, if you become weary and panicked, it will cause the rock to become firmer and unbreakable. Anxiety causes you internal tremors and you already know that an escape is impossible. The black volcanic rock is entangled throughout you and your entire being.
Soon you stop feeling anything, besides misery and numbness. All the euphoria and feelings fade away into the volcano within your soul. You start to realise that your own soul and your lovers’ soul are being untangled. No longer fused together, they retreat to their natural bodies. You are left without any fight or any will power. The fire within you that once burned is no longer lit, not even a faint ember remaining. The determination to fight for what you once had no longer exists. The feelings you once experienced, nothing but a distant memory in the blurry and dull world before your eyes, no longer full of vibrant colours as clear and vivid as they once were.
The years go by, one after another, until the rock starts to crumble and erode away. Your heart is now available to another once again. The faint memories still exist within you, memories of the flame that burnt inside of you, the volcano that erupted, and the dying embers of the fire; but they are nothing but memories. Sometimes you mistake them for a distant flame in the darkness, sometimes you start to believe that there is hope among the eroded rock. Upon efforts to grasp at the distant flame you soon realise that all efforts are futile, it is nothing but the image you desperately long to exist.
It is only when you accept that you only have memories left that you can move on from the icy wrath of the darkness. When you manage to let go of what once was, you open up yourself to endless opportunities of warmth and fulfilment.
That is when the vicious cycle is ready to repeat, only if you let it.
Fortunately for myself, I have managed to prevent the vicious cycle from recurring. The prolonged anxiety that haunts me steers me away from any hope of romance. It demands that my heart stays free, in turn it will ease my suffering. Day by day I avoid the longing eyes of another, yet I fear a broken heart might be less painful than loneliness that traps me in this unescapable cage. Loneliness withers you down like the cold winds and dark nights of winter, by no means is it easy, nor is it something that can be helped. The alternative may someday be the end of who you are and who you aspire to be. I have witnessed the destruction it causes, seeing people looking so lifeless that they may perhaps have been dead. Though some have found their undying flame, the oxygen that keeps it burning. Perhaps one day I will have the courage to break out of the cage and darkness that encases me, to finally grasp at the warmth someone gives to me. Perhaps you will to. Just be aware that it may be the last flame you ever see, so ensure you do not miss the warning signs before it is too late.
For love is a temporary madness, it erupts then subsides.