For the mistakes that I have made, I apologize.
I'm sorry, I let you get so close. We were almost there, almost free then I pushed you away. I left you go, for the soul purpose of lust, I called it 'love'. Said 'love' was based only on pleasure, and not the heart. If not, I was the only one who had thought otherwise. I took you for granted, that being said I apologize but it is far to late. For the doors have begun to close, watch me as I try to rekindle the feelings we once had for each other. Laugh as I fail and you turn your head away in disgust, growl as I reach in to grab your hand one last time. Afraid of losing you. But I needed it, but I deserve it. I deserve to be thrown back into the darkness, alone cold. My skin peeling away slowly like ice on the windshield. My body encased in a pool of my own tears. Let me lie dormant, to sleep and shut the world back up again. Let me build back up my castle walls.
It had been so wonderful that last moment of heart-ship. It was then that we had decided to overflow together, I don't know how. But you had broken them, my castle walls. All my knights had removed their mask, revealing oh so familiar faces. And they all smiled back at me, but then I chose to protect something that would scar my heart, I didn't want to. But I told myself it was not about what I wanted. Trying to play the role of the hero, it was pointless, and selfish. To turn away the one thing that understood me the most. You, you knew me better then I knew myself, maybe it wasn't my fault that I was so confused. No, of course it was. I cling to anything that seems remotely similar to myself, I need to think on my own, and not let others send their ideas to me. I can't be controlled any longer.
In the end, I bore him his children, but they were lifeless, mere dolls of him for I had taken back every speck of my being from them. I made sure they had no trace of myself, I put my personality's back in my body. Cape, Darch, they are me and I won't lose them, no not yet. He said he understood me, so I asked him. ' Can I be free' and he had no clue, only you understood. And only you will, how you were able to read me like an open book, is a mystery still. For I am sure that you are the only one who knows me better, better then myself. Still, stay by my side and watch me. Show me no kindness.
When I left him, another jumped in, perhaps they could tell I had been wounded. Like a gazelle who had narrowly escape with her life, only to be wounded badly in the process. The lions had left long since then, but the hyenas see an opportunity. A free kill, and so that is when they pounce. But I am so confused, I can't fend for myself and so he showers me with words of admiration tells me how I am special. He feels my arms and rubs my thighs, and I let him. He's nice, and perhaps made for me. I am wrong, oh so badly wrong. Twas you, it was you.
Deny me my freedom, oh yes please do. Deny me it all I cannot stand to be forgiven, I have dug into your heart with a spoon teasing you and you wonder why, you had told me you loved me and I said I wasn't ready. I was afraid, and yet I go for someone who really, only wants my body. I am stupid, careless please just hit me. I long for you again, but refuse my advances. Give me that cold glare that tells me it is too late to apologize, let me wallow in my sadness. Shun me as if I was a weed in a field full of roses. They are all so perfect, and I am simply a dandelion. I may lure you in, but I'll prick you none the less.
Lust. What drives us to commit adultery, it is a false love. So fake, so hopeless, so vile. Grotesque in all of its forms. Why does it exist? To feed us hatred, for as they all say 'without hate, there can be no love' we all need that pain so that we can feel the relief afterwards. If only I had remembered that, and had not been such a fool. Lust had led many men to their deaths, and women too. I remember hearing something in the bible, something like ' Thou shall not want thy neighbors things' . Or something like that, not really sure. It can drive you to murder, perhaps in some ways, love and lust are alike.
Love. I guess, sometimes love can start off as lust, then you realize that you really do have feelings for that person. But love can be as simple as a wave of the hand, and a nod of the head. Or as passionate as a kiss under the rain. Either way, love is a very powerful thing. The thin line that separates the two is sometimes not visible to the naked eye, but it still exist none the less. You just have to feel it, not know it, feel it. It too, drives us to do odd things. But, it also helps us to leave things be. ' If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you it was meant to be, if not then so be it. ' What a wonderful saying, it's too bad not many people abide by these rules. There is probably some good reason behind it, we just don't see it yet. Maybe, maybe one day we will then we will know. But until then, we must live and pretend that we know everything about this so called love. Wouldn't that be entertaining. As if.
Again, I apologize and wish you nothing but happiness in your future, and maybe once my punishment has been served I can be apart of said future. Only if you want me to, of course. To you, my love.