Little princessMature

-Lucas-

The day has gone by so slowly, it felt even longer and way more painful than when I used to get bullied and beaten by the school's jerks.

My mind won't stop thinking about that damn day. I didn't even remember it had even happened before that damn specter pulled it back to my attention.

I remember the pink satin dress, the softness of it on my skin like it was yesterday. The feeling of lipstick and eyeshadow. I remember the warm feeling in my chest when I found out how cute I looked as a girl.

But that's not all I can remember. Wanting to be a girl so I could put on more of these cute dresses, bows and make my hair, nails and face look so pretty. I also remember how mad my father was that they had done this to me. I hadn't minded...

It was unfair I thought that I could have access to all these things because I was a boy. Girls had a choice, they had pants, shirts, baseball caps, they could dress like girls or boys like they wanted. I was stuck to boy stuff...

Is this why I like men? because I wanted to be a girl when I was a child? That phase hadn't stuck long, a few months, but had it affected me? Made me like guys and not girls?

Since last night, I can't stand looking into a mirror, everytime I do, I find myself thinking about what I would look like if I had been female... I feel these old feelings of jealousy when I look at girls now. I find myself wanting to be like them...

Is this what I really feel or is this what I felt at the time that now haunts me...

Grey's right behind me as we walk home, he's clearly worried about me... What will he think of me if I tell him what I'm going through? I can't keep it a secret forever. Can I?

No... I have to tell him. He's nice, he hasn't pushed me since last night but I know he wants to know. I pushed him last time he was feeling like I am. I need to tell him. I don't want to say it all at home where walls have ears so I head for the nearby park.

"I've thought about it all day and night..." I announce nervously. "I think I'm good to talk now..."

I explain everything to him and it hurts. I can't stop myself from crying as emotions I had burried ten years ago resurfaces and pours out of my soul. It's hard but I also feel liberated when I'm done.

Grey remains silent but he hugs me. I feel the mental battle going through his head as he processes all the info I just feed him. Emotions colide and I can't figure out what he's truly feeling or thinking about all of this...

"Please god... Don't make him freak out..." I pray silently.

The End

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