So I decided to go to a restaurant.

Very swish, very elegant, with soft lighting and black & white check tablecloths. I had lunch with Gary Kasparov, the chess champion. It took him 2 hours to pass the salt.

I ordered the whole meal in French. The waiter wasn't impressed, though, it was a Chinese restaurant.

I said to the waiter, 'Oi, you!' He said 'How you know my name?'

I  was perusing the menu and asked the waiter 'What do you recommend?' He said ' The Beefeater down the road'.

So the waiter comes with my order and he's got his hand covering my chicken. I said 'What are doing, man? Your hand's on my meat!' He said 'What? You want it to fall on the floor again?'

So I asked for ice-cream for dessert. The waiter asks, 'Knickerbocker Glory?' I said 'Well, I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

He said ' You want crushed nuts?' I said 'You want a broken nose?'

I paid the bill and the waiter asked 'How about a tip?' I said 'Don't eat yellow snow'.

As we were leaving I handed the waiter my salt and pepper pots and said 'My condiments to the chef".

He told me the duck was off and we had to leave.... but where....?

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