So I became a monk.
I thought I would have to shave my head but the monsignor told me not to worry, let it grow and give myself a centre parting. When I asked why he just leered and said you'll see.
I dropped a black & white tablecloth and a nun told me not to make a habit of it.
At my first mass I was so nervous I could hardly speak.
After mass I asked the monsignor how I had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday I took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, I got nervous and took a drink. I proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to my room after mass, I found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
I decided the priesthood wasn't for me so I became an airline pilot......