My name is Bert Sticklebottom and I am a loser.
Let me explain why with a condensed version of my life story.
I was born at an early age, but was exceedingly ugly. So ugly in fact that the doctor slapped my mum & dad. They even received an apology letter from the local condom factory.
Mine was the only incubator with tinted windows. The nurses at the hospital still celebrate my Birthday as Monkey boy Friday.
I was a late developer; I didn't get a birth mark until I was 7 and I had to climb on a chair to reach puberty.
My childhood was no fun either; I had a rocking horse but it died.
I was sent to the paper shop but it had blown away.
My parents always had a soft spot for me, though. It was just at the bottom of our garden, apparently.
My adolescence wasn't fantastic either, what with acne, girlfriends, pets etc..........................