Coming to terms with my self harm addiction. My struggle of over coming and facing my problem
Call me old fashioned but the only way to get something out of my system is bringing it to a piece of paper.
Today was a really insightful day for me. I usually spend my time living in the past, dwelling on negative memories, thinking, ”why did that happen to me” or “what did I do to do to deserve that”. Over this past month, I’ve been having these “episodes” as I like to call them, where I would loathe in self pity and drown myself in tears. It would bring this massive headache. I would constantly bombard myself with bad memories and emotions. It would lead to the inevitable self harm ritual I have adopted. It became a habit … An addiction. I’d find excuses just to have my dose of self harm release. It’s not easy to slide a razor blade through your skin. The pain is tremendous, but for that moment, every ounce of anger and hurt disappears. That little cut is an opened passageway to the depths of your soul where all the darkness escapes from. A feeling of euphoria washes over you. It’s amazing, until the adrenalin wears off and the euphoric feeling dissipates. Reality kicks in, all you’re left with is blood and opened wounds. Lifelong scars cascade your body with the remembrance of your weakness.
Let’s look at this from an outsiders point of view, third person prospective if you may; you see someone, about your age, with scars on their hand. You can tell it’s self-inflicted wounds by the pattern formation. What would you do? How would you help? What do you say? People are quick to judge and conclude that it is for the likes of attention. Trying to explain your mind is almost impossible. This causes irritation within yourself which over time forms into anger.
I realized something.
It’s a cycle.
Source-Anger-Self Harm-Irritation-Anger-Self Harm-Source-Anger .. It goes on.
Now, this continueous cycle will go on if you do not put a stop to it. Is this a life you want to live? Surrounded by images and thoughts of despair and anger? Covered in reminders of pain? Right now, all you have is yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, how do you expect the next person to? You’re strong! Wake up every morning and remind yourself that! Do it yourself, be your own pillar of strength, because right now, you’re the only one who knows what you’re going through. You were brought into this world with a purpose. Don’t diminish that purpose by giving into temporary emotions. Spend your days happy. Time is of the essence. People tend to live in the past, plan for the future but disregard the present. We spend our days wishing for what we could have instead of relishing what is already ours. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every millisecond is time gone by that we will never get back. The story of your life has many chapters, one bad chapter doesn’t mean it’s the end of the book.
Focus on the positive!
Light restores what darkness cannot repair.
Be the light in your life! Only you can make the difference.