When I was on the way back to my apartment I made a call to Eric, my emotions all out of check. I couldn't imagine what I sounded like to him, or what he was envisioning me to be like. My voice breaking between sobs and the stream of tears cascading down my face... He tried to calm me down, but it was impossible to do so at this point. There was no combination of words that could reassure me that everything was going to be alright. I was sure that I lost my best friend this time. After saying all that, why would she give me a second chance?
A part of me wanted to call her immediately after I hung up with Eric. To tell her I was sorry. To let her know that I didn't mean any of what I had said... But it was probably too soon to admit any of this to her right now. I was sure that every word I told her was still stinging like salt in the wound.
I sprawled across the couch in the livingroom, blankly staring at the blank television that was across the room. It felt like my heart... Cold and black. Thinking back on the moment I realized how insensitive I was. Sure she was probably not going anywhere with her life... but it wasn't anything I should have meddled in.
The pillow inbetween my arms hugging grip seemed to fill this empty emotional void, my head leaning against its softness. A part of me wanted to just melt away and cease to exist. I didn't want to go up against anything right now, let alone what else I was great at ruining. I just couldn't stop wondering when I would ruin my only other relationship - with Eric.
The instilled silence broke as soon as the front door opened, letting the sounds of the outside world enter inside. The conversation of a couple neighbors that lingered outside in the hallway, the whooshing sounds of the busy street down below were unwelcome in my shallow pit of wallow.
All outside stimulants ceased as it closed. The floorboards creaked as heavy footsteps slowly came in my direction. I glanced over my shoulder and caught a quick glimpse of Eric, his face heavy with concern.
"Flora." A hand brushed against my shoulder where it lingered. "I wanted to come over to make sure you were taking it okay." I didn't say anything. I didn't think I could if I tried. Everything I knew I was was gone. I was no more than a shell of a person.
"Here..." He said gently as his ordinary, yet strong arms lifted me from the couch. His legs straddled me and slowly set me down on his chest, his strength holding me close toward him. The beating of his lifeforce was strong beneath his button up, plaid shirt which distracted me from all the berating thoughts that had been swimming in my mind. "Just relax. Right now I don't want you to think about it."
"B-but.." My heaving chest managed to say with difficulty. "I just lost my only friend. I thought I was helping her... but I kept talking and talking... and talking. I didn't know how to stop until... I couldn't go back."
His fingers played in my hair, twirling in it, making knots. At this I didn't care. "I'm sure that in the morning it will feel better... And, hey, give a few days and I'm sure that you two will be able to talk again."
"You think so?"
I could feel him moving and could only assume it was him nodding his head. "I do. I do." He kissed the top of my head and I nuzzled into his soft chest.
This was exacly what I needed. I was so glad that Eric had come over, even though I hadn't told him to, and to hold me. There was something about him, something magical that would fall over me and everything would just wash away.
It felt perfect enough that in that moment all I wanted to do was just lay there against him in silence. No pointless conversations, no distractions... Just me and him.
Weakly I leaned up on him and caught his eyes that looked directly back at me. I was slightly embarrassed to see him look at me like that. I knew that he could see my red puffy eyes, my moist cheeks that were soaked with tears and, most of all, my broken heart. I looked helpless, lost, confused.
I outstretched my neck nearer to him and felt the stillness of the moment. His breath warm against my lips. His hands slid down my back, one dangerously close to touching the side of my breast, the other traveling the route to my face. He rubbed some of the recent tears from my cheek and ran his strong fingers through the front of my hair, pulling it back and out of my face.
I stopped just mere inches before initiating contact with him... The point of no return. His expression looked confused, but I also saw the wanting he had. His eyes widening, the edges of his nostrils flaring the way they did when things became tense, and the edge of his lips tightening. Was he having second thoughts, too? Did he want to cross this new road in this relationship...?
Suddenly my thoughts became mushy and I couldn't remember what I was thinking anymore. The only thing that I knew was that he was dangerously close and his hand found its way at the base of my neck and pulled me closer, pressing my lips against his.
The kiss was slow and passionate at first until it become stronger and deeper, pulling me under the surface of my rational thoughts and to a mindless level. I wanted him more than ever. I wanted him to stay with me, to never leave my side. But more than that, I wanted to make this relationship more real. This was the commitment I was ready for. He was mine and I didn't want to lose him.