I know there are a lot of cold callous people in this world, but this was my friend that died. Nobody I know seemed to have even the smallest bit of concern. We had been together for nearly four years and while nobody else was close, I was. You would have thought out of respect for me that somebody else would also mourn the death.
As I am the only one to carry feelings for the departed, I feel it is important that I say at least a few words at the grave site. I've never delivered a eulogy but as I'm the only one to listen to the words, it hardly matters if I cry or stumble over my words. I have written some words on cards to help me remember what I wanted to say. At the moment, I'm having a difficult time reading the words clearly because my eyes puddle lightly with tears.
I suppose we had been together for three or four years by now. Friends had been talking about dumping, too old they said. We shared everything. My stories, my deepest secrets and thoughts, and images of my life are all gone now. Nothing will bring them back. When looking back, I knew this time was coming. It was obvious, but I just didn't want to believe it.
Maybe six months ago, something was going around. I heard it was a virus, but it doesn't really matter. After that, nothing was quite the same. Reactions were slower and the occasional times where there was little or no response at all. I probably should have gotten help sooner and for that I feel guilty. Still the real problem was a tragic fall. Things get more fragile and brittle as they age, I know that. I can still hear the sound of the impact from the floor.
I knew there was real damage even before the impact. I could have cried. Slipping out of my hands trying to keep a grasp, I couldn't hold on. There was nothing I could do. A downward spiral ensued and things just got worse each day. I knew the end was near. I tried to accept it, but I just couldn't. My reality still couldn't let go.
I didn't say a word on the entire trip. My roommate had to take me. I was too despondent to drive. I simply gazed downward, hiding my eyes. I couldn't bear to even look at anyone else. I slowly exited the car grasping the words I wanted to say. How I was going to give my parting words. Each step was more difficult than the last. I closed the door and struggled forward. At last, my roommate yelled out to me. “It's just a damn computer. You have backups. Put it in the recycle pile so we can get the hell out of here already!”