Walking down the grey corridors, I felt a strange...liking to the dull atmosphere. The clean white walls, marble floors, the white wash rooms, they seemed almost...homey. I could smile, but only in private.
There's a strange thing about pain...it makes you strong, and yet weary of everything, of meeting people because you’re constantly afraid they’re hiding things from you, or sharing your concepts, cause you’re afraid they’ll tell you one thing and mean another, of walking with your head held high because you’re afraid it will drop again...it makes you fear slipping up again.
I watched Tatianna walk down the hall way, she smiled, a slight frightened smile. I grimaced back, but we kept our distance. I allowed the day to continue.
It was Kiruba's open nature that lifted my spirits, and allowed me to interact with people I would have otherwise shunned. She allowed me to look at them, and understand them. They seemed easy to read, their problems easy to understand. I enjoyed understanding those around me, it gave me a sense of confidence, a sense of self. It began to grow, my ability to speek out began to expand. People began to look to me for help, for acceptance, for guidance. They began to see me as a person, not an object in the background.
"Oy! Goth!" He was sitting in front of me, this cocky boy with spectacles and a mean humor. "Helloooo?" He asked, waving his hand in front of my face. "Oh what, am I too lowly to talk too?" I smiled.
"Yes, indeed you are! How'd you guess!" To tease people is possibly more fun than listening to the biology teacher moan on about "blood cells".
"Why you always drawing roses anyways...and wolves....that’s creepy....gothic man, gothic!" He glanced in my book.
"Because they are beautiful. Wolves are my absolute favorite." I answered.
"Seriously gothic man! I like Lymphocytes better, there cooler and more useful!!" I raised an eye brow.
"You do know...they're a kind of blood cell...right...lymphocytes...?!" I commented.
"Yeah! You gothic's must no all about blood cells!" He laughed, as he removed a ruler, and made an action with it against his wrist. I felt my body going ridged. "How many times have you tried?" He meant it as a joke, I kept my composure.
"Twice." I answered bluntly.
"No yaar! Not enough!" He mocked a look of disappointment, "You’re not fulfilling your gothic role!" My jaw tightened. He caught on to my irritation.
"Oo! Goths going to make voo doo dolls of me!" He bowed his head, "Im sorry I made fun of your gothic-ness! You are truly most gothic. Please don’t make voodoo dolls of me!" It is impossible to stay angry at such a complete idiot, a fool amongst fools. He didn't mean it seriously, he meant it as a joke. I smiled at the irony. It was true, without him knowing, I had just given up my greatest secret.
"Im so going to make a voodoo doll of you, any with it, poke out your eyes, and shove it up your a$$." I answered, putting on a slightly morbid tone.
"Oh! No! Dude! I don't want to see what’s up there!" He whined.
Math’s...I loathed the subject, with all my heart. Sitting in her dining room solving math’s papers with a small group of people, was my idea of torcher.
"This paper is off a..Haman...shroff. Looks old." One of the girls said, reading the name of the top. My teacher shook her head.
"What?" We inquired, since she genuinely seemed disappointed and saddened by the name.
"Who's Heman?" We asked, everyone put their pens down.
"He was an old student. Jumped out his apartment window." She looked down. "Such a good boy too, good parents, not particular bullied at school, average grades, just a very closed up boy. No one knows what went wrong. He was such a sweet boy." There was silence. I realized, because he ended it all before anyone could reach out...no ever would know what went wrong. His story remained lost in the ashes...
"Like so many others..." The thought flashed across my mind.
"Sad..." My fellow pupil muttered, as she continued solving the paper.
"God only knows...what was in his mind." I mimed. As I forgot my pen on the side of the sheet, and began day dreaming and contemplating.
I reflected back on my own life. It was charmed, to anyone but my own point of view. I had good, stable parents, average grades, no trouble at school...but everything still managed to slip from my grasp. It's just a wonder, how frail the human spirit really is.
It beacme a dream, a goal I had to achieve...a strange one. I was born with everything most people envied, and still managed to slip up along the way. So I couldn't help but imagine those who were born without the luxury, without the sweet charmed atmosphere, without any sort of love, and still managed to smile in the morning. I admired them.
"But what about those who can’t..."
My eyes sunk, as the thought crossed my mind. I wanted to help them, in the name of all those who had no strength to continue, I decided to use my ability to understand the human mind, to help those who were searing the wheel towards a cliff take control of the wheel, and drive toward the rest of their lives. I wanted them to find strength. It became strange, and simplistic dream.
"Xara, please, stop day dreaming, and finish your work." My teacher spoke curtly.
"Yeah." I answered.