Camp. I hated school camps. They pretty much sucked. The sightseeing, the shopping, that was fun, but the rooms, the noise, the loneliness, that was not.
We left for Hyderabad by train, and reached there early the next morning. Unable to sleep, Mary spent all night just talking, talking about music, about books, and utter rubbish. Nothing else mattered, that dark, cold night, bundled up in blankets, laughing like the world didn't exist. On that train to Hyderabad, nothing seemed to matter.
I’m going to cut this trip short, I don't remember it too well. All I can remember was Tatiana’s hostility towards me. She missed Jamal a little too much. Her constant cribbing and bickering and b1t%$ing caught me off guard. It was always aimed to hurt my sentiments, like I was a punching bag. It was like she forgot I was a living being.
"What the hell! Xara! If you can’t wear makeup properly don’t ! And stop using my comb on your ugly hair! I'll get your dandruff!"
"Tats, don’t be such a bitch." Kara said, lending me her comb. "God, you miss him so much, go call from the front desk, would you? Don't take it out on us."
Scoffing at the comment, she walked off.
We followed her down for dinner.
"EW! This food is like...eww!!! I could get better from the frigging road!" she curled her lips. I felt my face flush.
"If you don’t like it, Tats, you don’t eat." I said. "This isn't your damn continental food, it's Indian food. Good old fashion rice and curry."
"Do you eat this at home? Huh? I want real food...NOT this sh@#!"
"YES I DO." I hollered across the table. "And it's perfectly good food!"
"And look how you turned out." She muttered.
"What huh? How'd I turn out?" I asked.
"I mean, look at you! Your a mess, and an embarrassment to..."
"TAT'S!" Marry yelled, before she could complete her sentence. "SHUT UP! GET OFF THIS TABLE IF YOU DONT LIKE IT!" I hated it when someone insulted food, and then ate it. It was good food, which many people didn't get, and here she was insulting and spitting at it. Eat it all, and enjoy the fact that you get food, or dont eat any and save it for someone who will enjoy it.
"FINE!." She got of, leaving a full plate behind, and left for the room. After dinner, the others joined her. I stayed behind. Sitting with Madhuri slowly made all the anger subside. "You can always come sleep in our room, if they get over bearing." She said, looking at the tapestries on the wall.
"You coming for the disco tomorrow?" She asked.
"Yeah, borrowing Tat's shirt." She gave a loud sigh.
"What was that for."
"Dude, please, don’t let her control what you wear now." She said.
"But it's a nice shirt!"
"Fine...fine..." She surrendered, as we walked back to our rooms.
Walking back to my room, my head was heavy again. I needed sleep. Good old fashioned sleep. The constant arguing was wearing me off, I could barely keep on my feet. Knocking on my bedroom door, no one answered. I knocked again. I could hear giggling from the other side.
"OPEN!" I yelled.
"No! No dogs allowed!" There was a loud chorus of laughter behind.
I banged hard against the door. I could see the hinges shaking.
"Stop it! You'll break the door!" Tat's voice rang through the dark corridor.
"THEN OPEN IT DAM YOU!" I yelled. I waited for a few minutes, there was no reply. I sat o the floor, looking at my watch. Time just past, no one opened. I got back up.
"I said OPEN NOW!" I banged hard on the door. It seemed just about ready to break off from its joints.
"One sec!" Marry called from inside. I could her scuffling, the sound of someone gasping. "Sh!@! Tat's...stop!!" I could hear them argue.
"For God sake Tats, stop being a b!#$h damn you!" I yelled. Marry banged the door open.
"GET YOUR DUMB A$$ IN." She screamed. She was huffing, her hair in a mess. She looked like she had just gotten out of the shower, and then immediately after been run over by a car. Tat's may have looked like a sweet, week little bimbo, but she had the strength of an ox.
"Thanks." I muttered to Marry, and walked up to Tats.
"What the fuck was that!" I asked, looking at her perfectly disgusting face laughing.
"God Xee, it's just a joke, really." Not funny. "Learn to laugh."
She skipped away flicking her light brown hair in my face. She went outside...big mistake. She was calling her darling Jamal. I decided, since it's so funny, why not try the same on her? Either way, if she came in before I had calmed down, I'd have slit her throat. So I locked the door. Kara sat on the bed painting her nails. Mary sat on chair in the corner, her arms crossed.
"Don’t open." I warned her.
"Sure," Marry replied, a sly smile on her face.
"My nails are drying." Kara replied. "Cant."
It was about half an hour before she came back, banging on the door.
"Come-on girls, open!" She yelled. I stood still.
"No b!#$hes allowed." I yelled back.
"Will you stop being a child! JUST OPEN!"
"Nope! Laugh it up Tat's! Isn't this funny!"
"Shut the F%$^ UP AND OPEN DAM YOU!" She yelled.
"Don't open!" Mary muttered, but I had too.
"What’s your problem in life, you little fucker!" She spat. "You think your funny!?"
"So it's only funny when your laughing?" I smirked.
"There's a time and a place! Damn it!" She stomped into the room.
"Why the hell don't you remember that? It seems everyone else comes second to you, right? Everyone is sh1% compared to you?"
"Shut up and go slit your wrists in the f#$%ing bathroom." She stormed off to her bed, leaving me standing there, pale and cold.
"Watch your tongue, Tats." Kara warned.
"Bi#$%." Mary muttered.
"Sure." I mumbled, as I walked to the bathroom.
"Oy!" Marry called after me. ,"Don’t actually do that!" She called out.
"No worries," I answered, "just bathing."
Putting the water proof cover on my i-pod, and the shower cap over the headphones on my ears, I listened to the music talk to me. I sat in the corner, hot water flowing over my body, burning my back, with a scissor to my wrist. I just had to pull. That’s all. But I couldn't. Iwas too much of a coward, so lowering it on the arm, I softly pulled back,but there was no blood…only a little pain. I allowed the music to
continue seeping into the darkest corners. Just flow into me, to feel me, to
breath into me.
"I’ve become so numb..." Linkin park's Chester screamed into my ears,
"I can’t feel you there, I’ve become so tired so much more aware," his voice made me feel like I wasn't alone any more, like someone was with me, like someone understood.
I’m becoming this, all I want to do..." What did I want? Why was it like this? Why was it always the same pain, like going about in circles, getting nowhere, why? Why did I always land up feeling like this?
What did I want?
"To be more like me and be less like you...”