The night was dark, cold, lonely. Math’s exam the next morning. I could not sleep. I just wouldn’t stop crying. I never understood why I cried. The voices, like eternal darkness…seemed so loud telling me to die… “Useless…useless…useless…”  Everything just seemed empty and meaning less, like I didn't belong in this world, like the world was a torrent of nothing, and I was an empty void filling that nothing with something of no consequence

 When I was asleep, the demons stopped playing in my mind, it was like not existing, it was beautiful, it was the one state I didn't have to think, I didn’t have to move, I didn't have to look at anyone else... and now I couldn’t even be blessed with the gift of sleep.

I slipped out of bed, and slowly walked to the living room. It was dark, everyone was asleep. I opened my father’s liquor cabinet. Choosing carefully, I picked the wine bottle.  My dad wouldn't miss it, it was cheap and strong, to add to that, it was a poison I was most familiar with. Unscrewing the cork, I allowed the fiery liquid to seep down my throat. Just a sip should be enough. It burned my stomach and the smell stung my eyes. Wobbling, and barely able to see, I lay on the bed. The room swirled. All went silent.


The headache I had the next morning killed me. It wasn't the drink, I didn’t have enough to make my head ache, just enough to let me sleep. It was simply the concept of another damn day in that same old place that made it throb. I had to walk to the bus stop carrying a head the weight of lead on my shoulders. My entire body was tired; week, exhausted, and the day hadn't even begun.

I walked into school late, and stopped off at the library, to calm myself. I didn't want to look at Tatianna, not after the day before.  On entering class, my teacher look at me threw his spectacles, his lips curled.

"Good morning madam!" He said sarcastically. "Decided to grace us with your presence?" I walked to my desk, and kept my head low. "Hum? Answer?! If you love that class so much, stay there, with your beloved friends! Why come here? Always so antisocial!"

"What the hell do I do then..." I mumbled, slamming my bag to the floor.

"Don’t mutter!" His sarcastic tone made my blood boil. "Say it!"

I ground my teeth. It was a bad day for him to choose to be in a bad mood. "What are you muttering for?” He mumbled, turning his back, expecting the conversation to have ended, but it hadn't - not for me.

"I said...WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME! HUH? WHAT?!" I stood up and yelled. His eyes grew wide, as the tears just fell, they wouldn’t stop, and they just continued to drip down my cheeks. I never understood why, why they would fall, why they just didn’t stay there, why I felt the way I did, and didn't stand up before I began drowning, but I had no control what so ever.

I was sure of it, I was going to the principal, my parents would be called, and I was doomed. But I didn't care. The class was silent.

He heaved a heavy sigh, as I quickly sat back down and kept my head on the desk. The only thing worse than crying is letting everyone who hates you see it. "Go on," His tone was mellow, "wash your face in the bathroom and come back." His voice had the same care in it as it did before, it had lost all trace of sarcasm.  

I rushed to the bathroom, and fell to the floor crying, rummaging about for anything sharp I could use at that moment to make myself bleed. She entered like a mouse, softly approaching me. I knew her from class. She was a tall, slightly plump girl with fair skin and curled hair. She had a pretty face and sweet eyes. She was one of those odd few who were plasticized and fabricated, but still knew what was underneath it all, and made a point to show it.

"Sir asked me to make sure you were ok..." She said, "In my opinion, he wasn't right to say that." She said, sitting next to me. "He can't just judge you." She put her hand on mine.

But he was right. If only he knew, I couldn’t make friends because I was a weird and abnormal little freak.  Simple.

"Hey", she continued, "If you want him of your back, you can always come talk to us." She smiled.

"Yeah" I answered, but I never would... I was afraid she would find out I was strange, and hate me like everyone else did...they did...didn't they?

I entered sheepishly back into class.

"Sorry sir..." I muttered.

"It’s alright...we'll talk about this after the exam." He said casually, handing out the papers.

"Exam...?" I thought for a second, "Wait...Which exam!!...oh right...math’s."

I couldn’t concentrate, was thinking of how to explain that outburst. I never did well in math, so it didn't matter to me.

Putting down my pen, I waited back anxiously, watching everyone else shuffle out, squealing on about their paper. I noticed Tatianna at the door waiting for me. I gulped, she smiled. "I’m failing" She laughed, as she mouthed. She took French instead of Math…and didn’t do any better.

"Xara," he called to me, I walked tentatively towards him. "I’m sorry if the things I said hurt you, but you should cry, alright?  Tell me if anything bothers you, and try to be on time? I just want you part of my class, that’s all." He said, dismissing me. It was short and simple. No explanation needed.

"What was that about?" Tatianna asked.

"Me having no friends"

"The nerve of that guy!" She said slinging her arm around me. Let’s get some ice-cream, to cheer you up, huh?" She asked. "And...umm...I’m sorry about yesterday. It must have hurt. Really, I am." She didn't have the guts to look at me, but she did have the balls to say it. So it was fine by me.

"Yeah....that’s" I thought.

"Oh, and to celebrate my glorious failure, I called Him!!" She laughed. I laughed.

"Him...I'd spoken to "him" but never met "him”. I didn't let it play on my mind too much. I stored it away.

We walked to Gelatos, laughing and talking about nothing in the world. We were joined half way by Mary, the last little girl in our group. She was shorter than me, with dancing eyes and a flavored smile, but secrets, secrets deeper than my own. She kept them to herself, and shared her strength with anyone who stood with her. I liked being around her, her eyes told dark stories, but her lips only narrated her light hearted nature.

  It was always like this when we were smaller. For five years I'd clung to her and her to me, then we grew up, and reality smacked us on the face. If only we could have stayed as innocent as then, if only time never changed us.

The End

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