17 okMature






J is on the phone to his elder sister. Not older by much but still a bossy one, bossy fuck.


J, why would you lead her on. If you aren’t sure about her Just end it now. 


‘What, I’ve Just woken up sis, what did you say??


Alice, how the hell did she get anyone’s number. I seriously do not even think she would ring. This is all a rumour spread by my ex business partner. Jaan Just let me handle dad myself. Does Uncle Omar know about all of this.


Is it true is Alice pregnant/ Daddy says you have to marry her, we are having a family meeting.




‘ It isn’t that simple. Its nothing to do with Alice, she is Just crazed. I know her to say hello to that’s it.


But  I can’t marry anyone of Dads’ choosing Just yet, there is Lucy to think about. Having said that I think she is rushing me. She bought me an expensive watch, I THINK SHE WANTS MORE THAN I WANT FROM HER.


‘ truth is she is a bit porky too.


‘ Shut up’ .

‘ OK, OK, he chuckles,


‘ she is nuts, I swear what can I do. ?


Brother and sister laugh at his cockiness.


Lucy had bought him a watch, to try and make him see how she felt. She was feeling more secure with him by her side, but was quite keen to marry him to keep her family a bit happier as well. She did feel that they would have a good future together. That was true. Things had been hard. She had had to tell JJ that she had not only been in love with her ex but that they’d planned to marry. Maybe it was too much.  They had been frosty with each other. Sometimes Lucy really tried to let him know that she loved him, but he seemed colder and colder, hardly speaking and sometimes slamming things. Sarcastically copying what she said and getting angry if any talk of the future came up.


 Even after tormented season after season she failed to see how he had not loved her, not like that. No watches for her, Not even a text this year on her birthday. J was good at moving on from broken down love. Lucy didn’t want hi to go too. Not after the last time, it couldn’t happen again could it mum? Please tell me it couldn’t happen again. Will I always be alone



I know I’m crying J. ‘ How could you think that’. I don’t know.


I’m sorry. I told him I was sorry I didn’t realize what was happening to me. Day after day I Just felt like he was changing from himself to something I didn’t recognise. I suspected that you had hacked my phone did you?


I can see his handsome face looking really sad. ‘ No Lucy’, he sighs and looks down.


He is tapping his feet a little. The blue Jeans he looks so good in make him look even more innocent. Shit I feel so bad now.


J it’s too late I went to the police.


How do I know you aren’t a serial killer or something?


Why would you want to listen to phone calls when we can talk to each other, you know how much I like you?


He gets angry now. I think you should leave.


This relationship is over, Just leave now Lucy.


Pandora Radio made me love you in some respects.


Every wonderful song played as I kissed you on your bed. But now you asked me to go. I was never worthy to be in this place with you. You are something.


A tear finally falls from her brown eyes and as she parks the white car behind her second youngest brothers on the drive way she sort of wishes that the Johan wasn’t coming up and that she could somehow lose the feeling that things were about to get much worse.


As she sits outside, holding her phone and trying not to text ‘as normal’, the phone rings, its Johan.


‘ Don’t think you’re anything special. I will go back to India anyway. I could not have a relationship because I’d go back to India. What a laugh. ‘


Lucy Mathew is quiet.


He puts the phone down on her.


It doesn’t make a lot of sense. They had met only about three months before and she fell in love with him. He started to repeat certain aspects of conversations, seemingly made on the phone to her friends. Or did he? He started to say all the time, he would be going back to India and so they couldn’t make any plans for the future. She was devastated by his but stupidly loved him too much too give up on her chance. But Katia, the girl he considered a better option was a little too much to bear.

Lucy Mathew had no fight left now. Who needs a man anyway?


Johan rings back, he is laughing. Laughing and saying that he ‘ wouldn’t be bothered’ if he never saw her again.


Lucy Mathew, nods to her dog to stop her giving the game away and succeeds in stopping her barking. She has put a baggy Jumper over her low cut top and hidden cigarettes under the seat of her car. Lipstick wiped off and ready to head in. Thankfully everyone is asleep, not in a position to query her swollen eyes.

I might make a cup of Indian tea, i’d kill for some choclate. She craves chocolate.Flakes, milka with that orgasmic fudgy middle


She settles for a glass of water with a slightly fishy taste to the glass, someone must have cooked fish.


Upstairs in her room, which is at the back of the house, she looks in the mirror.


The brown eyes look so angry and betrayed. Why did you have to eat so much?


She muses looking at the curvy frame and shortest legs. Her Jeans are a little tight. Her white leather Jacket cost a lot, that didn’t help now did it you Muppet?


The NARS eyeliner is making spaghetti type threads down her cheeks.


The gunmetal louboutins on her feet hurt. The red came off the soles on the first night she wore them. What a rip off. Fucking world, what sort of world is this, she thinks?


Her hair is thick and unmanageable. It is sticking out like a giant clown’s wig. How embarrassing.


These entire thoughts swirl on and on like a giant bit of sari material raveling her up until she can’t breathe anymore.


At her bedside is the watch she had bought Johan that day. It is an Armani watch. He won’t wear it. He might sell it on eBay. She didn’t know that when she bought it and stupidly had it engraved. Dear J, keep rocking, all my love, S and three piratical crosses, ok ‘x’s in common parlance.


What a fucking Joke, she thinks. She takes the clock radio beside her bed and hits it several times with her right hand. Bastard.


As she take off her clothes and gets ready for bed she watches the spider in the corner of her room uneasily, stay away you eight-legged freak.



Why  bring me here/ Why put me through this? Your mind is made up right? Lucy glares, beautiful when she is morose.


Why are you still wearing those glasses in bed , he smiles over the room to her? Again, you liked it before.


I was trying to make you like me she thinks, hadn’t worked.


He gets up early to ‘work’ but really he is texting the fit girl. Why doesn’t she Just fuck off he thinks?  Is he thinking that. Is it true J?


Her thoughts run away like a runaway cable car in  San Fran movie.


When I can tell your mind is in a thousand other places. Even after all these years why are you so vivid in front of me like you should be attached to my lips.

Can it be that you really held me like it was me you wanted not her?

Where did I let myself fail, when I could feel in my bones that you were meant to be mine?


Lucy Mathew leaves the minimalist apartment, with a glare, Lucy Mathew could be seen


To smile.

The bed is a double one from IKEA. They have Just made love on that bed, not for the first time. They probably love each other a bit at this point. She spends all her spare time thinking about him. He spends some time thinking about how not to annoy her; he usually fails, even if she rarely shows it. The reason she is angry is because she really wants him to love her so so much. But he probably won’t. He is younger than her. He is tall she is Just average. But average is ok for a chick. Both are really English. Holders of United Kingdom passport, he tries to pacify his peacock girl, so many colours she wore here in front of him . she, is. Only, a fucking friend. His mind ticks over this phrase, somehow he has to communicate this thought to her without words. Too many words.


I have wondered about this before, can you hear me when I speak silently. She has never looked into this, but feels his lips are so soft and his hair falls over one eye, like a 1950s villain.


 Despite her views, she is not so bad. A chubby face and not exactly a beauty like Flick say, but she is working on her charisma. Charisma. How do I have charisma at this moment? I have Just started crying over a pot plant someone bought him. I can’t start crying. She is in her underwear, it cost a lot of money but he won’t notice, they don’t do they?



Johan sits speechless and somewhat bored, how can Lucy Mathew be such a stupid,


Stupid bitch, he thinks, thinking about himself mockingly. As if I’d ever give up, not yet anyway.


On the way home, it strike Lucy Mathew that yet again, despite certain minimal


efforts to mate, she is driving alone, in the dark. Looking ahead, as the lights turn red and she puts her right-heeled boot on the brake, a scrawny fox crosses in front of the car. 


She turns the radio on. Two employees of the MAXXI modern art galleria in Rom have seemingly been kidnapped. The presenter introduces a desolate father and a tearful girlfriend. The two have not been seen since Tuesday night. Lucy Mathew changes gear and switches on a cheery pop station, full of belting black women singers and slimy verses to do with gun crime. Over to her cd collection.


Shakira, Gwen Stephani, Madonna. Blondes who sing like angels.

Sugababes, The Saturdays, Ndubz next.


She settles on Bob Dylan then instantly regrets it.

Breaking to slow down in time for the lights, she can hear the iphone vibrating.

Part of her wishes, hopes that Johan could change. That some how he would look after her. Help her feel well. Hang out with her, go to the beach when it wasn’t another miserable gray day. Or Just to go to the shops with her and maybe carry her bags. It’s probably face book. Mrs. I M Smug posting things on her status about how despite breastfeeding twins she has still redecorated her stately home is having an amazing night out and… well you know.


Fucking scrawny blonde rat, Katia, flashes in front of Lucy Mathew’s car also, dancing with Johan. Katia mesmerizes him. They compliment one another, both tall and muscular, one dark, one blonde. Both uncaring. Lucy Mathew watched and tried to act casual as he laughed and span around the room with Katia. Lucy Mathew is well, a bit fat. This truth hurts her much much more when looking at the person she can’t forget, drooling like a released Chilean Minor over a bloody kebab. You know what I mean.



When Katia walks him, some people look. When Sammie walks in some different people look. Katia looks nervous around Johan at first. She wears beige dressy in slightly cheap fabric. The dress has small flowers on it. Her legs are topped off with unfashionable heels that she spins around in. Her hair is curly and pinned up. Its clear she has no money Sam thinks, gripping her expensive bag.


Johan doesn’t seem to care about fashion, not at that moment.


Sammie tries to dance, with her pal matt, but this makes her feel so much worse.


Off to the bar. Treble vodka and red bull please.


We don’t sell red bull sorry?


Sorry? Can I have diet coke then please, holding back the tears Sammie tries to pretend that she is still in the running.


How could he hurt me like this? How could he dance with her, when He knows I love him? When we are sleeping together and he knows me more than any one else.



As she drives home, she recalls when he seemed superficially to care, maybe an itsy witsy bit.


He would hold my hand and [pretend to listen to what I had to say. Sometimes he would even try to laugh at my ‘Jokes’, oh well.


The Journey home, through the city streets meant that she has to travel past her mother’s house, but she doesn’t go in there, they haven’t spoken for years.  Her mother Aisha believed that she is Mother Theresa of Calcutta. Aisha successfully printed several leaflets, dense with compelling facts to support his view. Despite the best endeavors of many good Doctors, she remained steadfast. Angels surrounded her. She was Mother Theresa and as Jesus and been disbelieved, so was Aisha Malik. Aisha does not recognize her children now that they will not help her deliver the leaflets. They also took her bible off her and wouldn’t believe her visions.


Lucy Mathew also drives past the place she first kissed, under a willow tree and several dirty take aways.


Lucy Mathew is heading back to her fortress, where her cat Genie and her many cousins and brothers live.


She hatches a plan, to disembowel Johan. She writes it all down in her little diary from paper chase, the one with the doves and swallows embossed in silk on it. She didn’t mean a word but wrote how she wished to stab him. She writes this in front of the computer. She later learns that someone saw the diary. The anger goes. It soon dissipates and she will Just simply be put to one side, how would I remove his body anyway without being caught. How could I hurt him? I loved him, love him, love him, and want him.
































The End

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