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Lucy first lost it one January when she was twenty three. She is now chasing, almost running after a blonde lady who was walking her dog in front of their family home. A home that was stuffed with family members and arguments. The trees outside were Conifers and the odd Oak. The woman stops outside their neighbour's home and tries to reason with her. 

I know it's you, stop walking away from me, Fucking come back you cowardly bitch, MUM!

In Lucy’s head her mother is standing in front of her, but is silent.

Please mum, she grabs the lady’s hand. The lady has a Labrador dog on a leader and is not Lucy’s mum. She isn’t even remotely Indian looking.

Look love, let’s get you home’, you live at number 8 don't you. Think I know your brother. Let's get you home. 

‘ They’ve taken you haven’t they, they’ve replaced you .’

At this point, two cousins come out and put their hands on Lucy. 

Why did you go away? I KNOW YOU ……..Didn’t really die did you??? , I was waiting for you to come back, all these years and now why are you lying about this?

When I wrote you that letter before my GCSEs and asked you to pray for my success and know that you got it, I could Just tell. You were there all those times that I wished that you were there. You would have let him be part of the family wouldn’t you?

Andrew was a good man, he would have put my name on the deeds? You would have spoken to Uncle I know it. Is that why you have come back, come into the house with me. Its like everything is too scary, everyone is so cruel, and they face me off wherever I go . Their stares are boring into me. I can’t face it anymore. Where are my friends? Where are they. I can’t keep holding my head up. Its so noisy everywhere I go. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. My wrinkles are permanent and I can’t afford to dye my hair or anything like that. I’m ugly, I’m ugly. Its too much please will you kill me please. Nan as well where is nana?

Not since she was three had she cried like a baby in public at least like this. Her Dad drives her back inside away from the people who stare, back into the realms of the house with the cousin who coughs all the time, nervously, twitching. And who always leaves yogurt pots in his room to get mouldy.  

The dog that she used to love, is winding everyone up, it wakes everyone up. It isn’t as happy as it used to be, she can't brush it properly, she gets distracted and forgets to take it for a walk. Its called Brutus, a joke as it's small. Various humiliations over the years occurred. Too numerous to mention. Now it has all happened all the years of slights. All the rejection. The fact that no one is really left that wants to say hello, no Job nothing. This is what is let mother, mother listen to me.

They call an ambulance as she says so so many times, she asks for her red dress, but there isn’t one.

Wendy don’t leave her, grab her arm, 

Lucy stop this, get inside now,

Her brother is screaming at her. She has the phone in her hand ringing J for the thousandth time that week.

She has a bible in her hands as well, she is screaming to everyone

Please listen, do not let them in. They are waiting outside for us. In those bushes near the school I saw them. They tried to give me an injection to shut me up, but I’m telling you he is hacking my phone and god has sent people to find me, they are waiting for me in those bushes. If I look into your eyes and they start tog low I WILL KNOW THAT YOU ARE ONE OF THEM TOO.

Lucy’s ‘mother’ Walks off now embarrassed but accepting the apologies of the other family members, Lucy cries in a heap on the floor. she used to be a good girl, she gave up her work and now she will not eat, she would go to the gym for a bit that’s it. what will the neighbours say. Mad as a snake. Mad as a fucking snake with rabies and an abusive cousin who picks on her if she ever eats. Mad as a snake that has no real mother. Whose mother will not speak to her.

Before her arrest, Johan hears that his beloved Lucy, the one he sighed over has lost it. The others were fit but vapid. And anyway she could be so sweet sometimes, maybe he should ring her. Flick, who she saw as a friend only saw her now as a gym buddy, until she lost it that is. Anyway for Flick no one but Augo was taking up most of her thoughts and energies, a waiter she’d met in Italy and regularly visited in Rome.   Johan's flat mate heard she had been seen in a bank in town. The staff were trying to help her but she couldn’t ask for what she wanted Just couldn’t say a thing. Other customer’s sniggered. She was dressed in green tracky bs and a beanie hat. The premier bank management took her away from the queue but couldn’t calm her down.

He felt guilty then. When he heard about that. how, what had happened. Two teenaged girls walk past in their hunter wellies and earmuffs, listening to Bruno Mars and NDUBZ. Crying with laughter as she is pushed back inside, her nightdress blowing about in the wind, exposing hairy legs. The family are very concerned about you Lucy, says Wendy her cousin. Please will you talk to me. The doctor had told them to talk to her.Wendy sees Lucy as a spoilt selfish self pitying brat. Who allows herself to be used by all and sundry and then comes home wanting everyone’s love and respect, when she has transgressed every rule that the family has.Why don’t you go and stay with Uncle Peter for a few days?In the surgery the doctor prescribes medication for depression and refers Lucy for counselling. She feels a lot better in his office. He has a cheeky grin, maps are behind him on the walls.He isn’t repeating things she has said or somehow making her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she could start again, if she had a friend like that, she wonders. He has pictures of his little children on the desk, a weighing scale and eye charts.Feeling better she comes home and everyone is being cosy and nice.







The End

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