This is about a close friend I have gradually become closer with over the years.

I remember when I first met you. You wouldn't shut up. I thought you were annoying, obnoxious, and a total spaz. But I wanted to know you so bad. Not even be friends, I just wanted to know what you thought about before you went to bed at night, what you loved, what you hated, what caused you to wake up at 3 in the morning trying to find your breath? I always thought, "I want to beat the shit out of this girl, but I want to kiss her cheek and hug her right after." I'm such a hypocrite.

When months passed and I didn't see you, I missed you, and you're stupid red jacket. By the way, do you still have it? If you do, I want it. I want to go back to that choir room and listen to your bullshit stories about absurd senseless things. I want to go back to the time when you would jump all around on the risers and I wish instead of sitting there being annoyed with you, I would have pulled you aside and held your hand because I feel like that would have calmed you down. Win win situation.

I thought of you often. I wondered what had been going on with you. But I had none of your contact information and even if I did I would be too shy to talk to you. You're so cool and funny, and I was so... weird. When I got to high school, I saw you during one of my passing periods. When I saw you, my heart dropped and my legs felt weak. I got so nervous and couldn't even say hi. I felt like such a child. I began seeing people I knew post pictures of you on social media and eventually found your profile. I would look at your pictures all the time. I loved your freckles.

But see, you had a girlfriend and I knew how much you loved her. I didn't know much about love but I knew enough to know you should never intrude. So I didn't. When you guys broke up, I wasn't even happy. I was sad for you because I knew she hurt you. I am really sorry she hurt you.  

Finally we began talking again. At this point I knew I liked you way more than I thought I did. I didn't just want to hold your hand and listen to your stories; I wanted to know you in ways that no one else would. I wanted to fall asleep to the sound of you breathing next to me. I wanted you to notice me. Is that weird?

I was still stuck on the idea that I didn't like girls so I dated boys until I no longer felt anything for boys anymore. You kept dropping hints that you weren't interested in me so I tried my best to forget about it. Finally I got into a relationship with the person I believed to honestly be the love of my life. She made me fucking sick and I thought that was love; I was so wrong. Throughout that relationship, I was still very intrigued by you, but I did have a girlfriend so I tried my best to not flirt with you. It was hard but I managed. When I heard you were interested in her though... I don't even know how I felt. The girl I had felt something for for so long was interested in my girlfriend? I didn't know if I was jealous of her or if I was pissed at you. It was all so confusing. finally I just decided that I needed to cut you off no matter how much I didn't want to.

I missed you so much. I missed talking to you and your dumb jokes. I would always go and look on your twitter to see if maybe there was anything about me. There never was. And that bothered me. It felt like you didn't even miss me and I wanted to be missed by you.

You know everything. You know things about me that I would never tell anyone and I am totally okay with that. I feel like I can trust you with everything. Every time I was hurt you were there. You were always the first person I went to anytime I had an issue. So I wanted to say thank you for that. I also want to tell you how important you really are. How much I really do enjoy your voice. I would stay up for weeks straight just listening to it. I've never been a fan of phone calls, but I love when you call me. I want to take you on cute dates, I want to hold you when you have a hard time sleeping at night and most of all I want to make you feel special because you're so special to me and I don't want you to ever think otherwise.

The End

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