Does it exist? Life without love I mean. I don't... uh... I mean well... Yeah! Of course! Life, exists without love, the basic sense of life always remains, even through torture. But what I'm wondering, what I'm really asking is.. Does the passion! The true passion for living exist? Not, just the want, but that need! To wake up in the morning. That drive that gets you through the day, and the need! To get back to your love safely. Yet still, the assurance, the ever present calm. That if, something should fall, out of your control... Lay you to rest before you can return to your love. You know you have done, the best you could on your own terms. You tasted everything you ever wanted, so now you fear nothing.

    No I don't think that can exist without love. How could it possibly? But I wondered still, what if you've already found love. You already know that feeling, and you know how great life is while experiencing it. But then you lose that love. Can the feeling stick around to fill in the place? So one could harness that true feeling, and still remain, completely free, independent?  Well as crazy as I am... I just had to find out.. I had to find a way to end my extremely happy marriage of 9 years... For no particular reason at all...

    I know right now your calling me stupid! You think, I must have to be the most, thick headed,shallow minded, self-centered, and self-destructive, moron! That ever lived...  But I don't think, I could possibly be inclined to disagree. Yet still, after getting married, during my last year of high school. I was still reasonably young at twenty seven. Believe me I know thats a terrible excuse. Become a real ladies man I guess was the plan... One hell of a plan it turned out to be. I always lived a life of no regrets. I can't say that anymore, its pretty hard to not regret, purposely, going from a dream life.. with the girl of your dreams.... To living in a small basement apartment, working at temp agencies, just enough to pay for the bills, and the beer. Yeah I regret it, I regret it even more, then I regret not lying down on the train tracks, two years ago, after the night that it happened.

    So Rachel had left the house, and I was dead set determined, to make that the last day of our love. I had to make sure that she'd want nothing to do with me, or else I'd never really know for sure. So stupid! What I did that day ruined both my life and hers. You simply will not believe it.

Here's what happened...

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