What is a lie? Is it just a statement that isn't true, deliberately said to deceive another person? Or is it much more?
I’m thinking. I’m trying to repeat every spoken word several times for myself. Just like in chess, I’m thinking ahead of all the moves and options that, after that particular word, me and the person on the other side of the table can play. I’m analyzing the effect that the yet unspoken word could cause. Only then I say it, and satisfied, I watch as it all takes place, exactly the way it did inside my mind.
I LIE. I feel the need to not say the first thing that crosses my mind, sometimes simply disregarding it - like it’s someone else’s thought, like it accidentally strayed into the flow of mine, and I refuse to believe that it was what I wanted to say. Unconsciously, I find one of the common, ordinary words. One that won’t in fact say anything, that will not reveal my intentions, and so I leave all options still open... It’s there again, it arises as primordial, more important and stronger than others. It hampers all the other thoughts until only IT exists. I’m burning from the desire to move my lips and let it out - that same thought which, just a moment ago, I didn't even believe was mine. Somehow I manage to restrain myself.
I LIE. I analyze that one too, just like all the others, but somehow I can’t picture the further flow of the game now. I throw it aside, with an excuse that it will harm the concept of the whole game. I like it the way it is now, and don’t know how I would manage if something changed. I’m convincing myself that I care about the other player, and that I do not wish to disturb his game with that word, persistently telling myself that I don’t want to hurt the other person, and that I want to keep playing the game. And so I bury that thought, which is still waiting to become a word, with a hump of other meaningless thoughts, spoken in such a way, that they don’t really say anything, and we continue to play. I’m letting the other person decide whether or not he will make the crucial move, convincing myself that it’s only fair, and that by doing so, I am a good person.
I LIE! I don’t want to admit it to myself, so I keep trying to justify my deeds. ”I never said anything that is not true. And who will know that I lied? No one except myself knows what is going on inside my head.” Caught in all that thinking, I stop speaking. Instead, I’m burying that thought with words, and the conversation is fading, both sides now using words that are safe, pretested. I’m telling myself that I’m doing it for the sake of that other player, and that I don’t want to make him play the way I’m not sure he would like. Yet again I put all responsibility on the other person...
I LIE! Deep inside, I know that is not the case! I know I’m doing it all for myself, but I just won’t admit it. I’m scared of telling the truth, 'cause after that, there is no “wait,that was not the move I wanted to play”. I would stand there still, waiting for further developments, unable to do anything, left completely to the mercy of the other one. I would not like that.
I LIE! I keep convincing myself that I have no benefit of the truth, 'cause maybe the other one wants to prolong our game... To continue playing it some other time, leaving everything as it is - familiar, predictable, always the same, playing the moves that have already been played a thousand times before. I keep telling myself that it is only fair to leave the other person with a choice of his own, but the truth is I’m scared, and I just don’t want to admit it. I’m scared of the end of the game. It doesn't matter who will win, but I don’t wanna be the one responsible for the game ending.
I lie... Again I’m back at the statement that the thought isn't actually mine. I don’t want to look bad because I ended this benumbed, monotonous game. Not because I care about the game itself, but because I would look like a bad player in the other person’s eyes. I don’t know what it is that he wants, and because of that I’m leaving him with the option to make the vital move. That way I can always blame him, although I wanted to do the same thing.
I lie... I don’t know what he wants, and I stopped wanting to change anything myself. I realize that, he too must have a similar opinion, 'cause we've been playing this game together for far too long. Still, I do not dare to do anything. I remain human -tiny, afraid, scared of any kind of change.
And so this game between tho human beings lasts. Circled by their fear, hampered by their thoughts, both of them used to the grayness; they don’t want to change anything, fearing that it might turn even worse, although it stopped being good and interesting a long time ago. WE LIE!