Letting Go.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. So they say. It's true, and I'm learning to do that with a true smile on my face. Don't be discouraged, this is only the beginning. God has big plans for you. Don't give up on Him, because he'll never give up on you. <3

Why the heck am I doing this? I have no idea. Maybe to show some part of the world I'm not afraid to tell all my fears, doubts, and worries. Maybe to feel some kind of release......if there will be a release. Maybe to encourage others that your not alone. I'm pretty sure, some part of you will relate to the problems I will name. Here I go.

I. I don't feel I'm anything worth fighting for. 

II. I think that if I don't heal and get better quickly, the people I love will leave me because they have given up on me.

III. I feel unloved. I feel alone in a group of my closest friends. I feel like everything I say is met by a nervous laugh. I will never be accepted completely. 

IV. I'm afraid to hide my feelings. I did that once and I regretted it. But where is the line for hiding what I feel and for saying how I feel? There are no laws, no rules to abide by. This also pertains to #2.

V. I am terrified of men. I have pretty much given up on the whole male species. All the men I know are mean within their homes or I suspect of being cruel behind closed doors. Except for my Pastor. I think he's a good guy. 

VI. I am afraid of what the future may hold, but at the same time, I don't fear. I look at it like life is too short, why even waste my time doing things I hate doing? Why should I not speed through the days, waiting impatiently for them to end? I have no plan, I have no vision. 

VII. What should I fight for? What is there to fight for? What is a worthwhile investment of my time?

VIII. I am scared of the thoughts I endure at night, but I fear telling anybody when I am having them because back up to #2. 

IX. I hate what I have become. I would never imagined that I would be doing and going through this 5 years ago. 

X. Who am I? I have lost my identity, if I ever even had one. This situation defines me. My problems define me. If I shed my fears and worries, who will I be? What is the raw me?

XI. I cry for my Dad, then I hate him. What position does he hold in my heart? 

XII. I don't feel like I can trust anybody 100% ever again. The one person I did trust totally, dashed said trust to the ground. How can I be sure that people won't leave me or they won't give up on me? This also pertains to #2. 

XIII. I think I'm stupid. Dumb. People tell me I'm intelligent, but I don't think so. 

XIV. What are the rules that undercurrently define my world? What should I abide by?

XV. I regret the decisions I have made. I am no good. 

XVI. I must be perfect. For the sake of those I love, I must be perfect. 

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See all those problems, those issues up there? Pretty overwhelming, huh? They are from the innermost sanctums of my spirit. They are divided from the solution. I have let these problems control my life. But I refuse to continue living this way. The Devil shrieks as I write this, telling me I'm crazy. I'm foolish. Who will I be without these things? 

Well. I'm about to find out.

I have decided that I will walk by faith and not by sight. I have decided I will not wallow in those thoughts, those actions. I have decided I will forget those things that God has already forgiven. I will allow people to love me. I will allow myself to laugh, to cry, to speak my mind. I will not allow my mistakes to put a frown on my face. I will allow myself to find myself. I will allow God to reach within the confines of my soul and draw me out. I will allow God to change me. I will trust God completely. I will smile at the memories, knowing God will make the best of them. I will be re-payed for the hurt, the anguish of my soul. 

This is easier said than done. Part of me wants to be rid of it all. The other half holds on tightly. 

But I refuse to live a miserable life. I will rise from these ashes and find a vision. I will continue to crawl, then trudge, then begin to run. I will do what I love, and love what I do. I will pick my heart up from the sidewalk and give it to God. This sinking feeling will go away. One day I'll wake up and realize I no longer hate myself. I no longer despise who I have become. I will be able to see the whole picture. I will continue to fight, and I will never stop. There may be times I want to, but that is when I will hide in the shadow of His wing. Until the day I go home, my eternal home, I will never stop fighting.

I will never stop believing that I can make a difference, someway, somehow. 

Its been 2 months since that wintery February night when I made that commitment before God and my best friend. I gave it to God. I told him I was done hurting myself because of the pain inside. I was done expecting perfection from myself. I'm just now reaching the resolution that I don't have to worry about everything. I really don't have to be perfect. If I can make it, you can too. I love you. I believe in you. You can overcome whatever you are going through. I wholeheartedly believe that though I may not be able to see the sun, it still shines behind the clouds. 

The End

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