I did indeed go to the chapel (again) but not to weep...I was just kidding when I stated so in the last letter, of course. So there I was, sitting at the uncomfortable (surprise, surprise) pew, second to the last row, gazing up at the ceiling. It was rather simple and plain -quite straightforward -just like the military; complicated only by politics but that's another rant for another day. The candles' light danced across the walls of the dimly lit sanctuary and a cross hung behind the pulpit. A simple cross hung on the wall -haven't they hung Jesus enough? They ought to take religion out of the military: after all Jesus taught peace and the very existence of war is control. The reason for war is (supposedly) peace. (BUT) The reason for war is money. The Reason for war is not violence, that's an effect. War, like other natural disasters, enact NATURAL SELECTION to help keep the human population down *Disease is the result of too many idiot humans playing gods and failing, end rant.
Ah, but no, that wasn't what was on my mind -I was getting rid of all my worries now so that I may sleep tonight. There's not enough time to plan since your graduation is in two days and my trial is the day right after. My own graduation is four days after that. And speaking of not worrying, you did tell me that you understand if I can't make it and that it's okay. Perhaps for you, because you don't understand my reason that I must attend: I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have, I always make time for. ALWAYS. ...And also perhaps to prove that if you really wanted to do something, you won't let excuses get in the way, you find ways to do it. (*I differentiate between "when there's a will there's a way" with "taking matters into one's own hands" but I won't bore you with my ideas -you're graduating and about to go out in the world -you'll find your own answers.)
Enemies will win when you show them fear; when you give them something to take away from you --that is, if you give them your dignity, they rob you of what makes you human. Having a soul doesn't make you human, animals have souls too (and are we not animals?) so if they "crushed your soul" you are just weak willed -that which they haven't created they cannot take away. Why even mention this? Because it's only fair to speak of enemies after talking about friendship...or, because I just needed to rant some more --it's a way of sorting out my thoughts, perhaps not the most healthy, but, eh, what else am I willing to do?
At any rate, he hasn't given me reason to fear him, but if I agree to help, I've given him some form of control which he could easily manipulate (and had tried to -by showing he knows how to get information not available to normal humans). I might even take that offer as a last resort. I hope I don't even have to but if I need to keep a close eye on him...then I'll just have to find another way! I can't believe that it's the only other choice I (may) have *troubled heart*
You know how some people can't help but to pray out loud? And you know how I can't help but listen? It was exactly like that. At first the mumblings were easy enough to ignore since it was private (okay, mostly unimportant things, that and I was busy with my own plight) but he said something about wanting to skip MP (military police) duty. My ears perked up and I chastized my eyes for blinking loudly -I was concentrating so hard. Apparently, he didn't want to do MP that night because it was too dangerous. In fact he didn't even want to be in basic training. Ah, I remember him -he was in one of my classes. I struck up a conversation with him once and he told me that he was here because he wanted to support his mom; he had no skills and no job so he thought this was the best way. He just doesn't want to die but he has this fear that they'll put him on the frontlines because of his lack of skills. He barely was able to enlist, but since there was a "war" going on, they accepted him (*oh yeah, the "war"...) I suggested he be a snipper -I saw his score, an excellent marksman -but he told me he didn't want to kill anyone either. Beautiful soul, poor man. ...I had a point to all this rambling...Right! Anyway, he was the one praying to not have MP duty. Maybe I could fill in for him -it would be a great opportunity to drive through the neighborhoods and actually learn where things are in these communities...but that would also mean I couldn't go AWOL (absent without leave). They know how long it takes to drive the route and come back and we have partners. Since I don't know too many people very well, I doubt they won't not tell on me OR they may want to leave too, and so there'll be two of us wanting to go separate ways with only one car -it's just too messy.
I didn't mean to make this such a long letter, but this dilemma is just so worth writing about; you know, to give you ideas about how to do something without getting into trouble, yes? (*OR at least to cover your a** when you do have to account for your actions) At any rate, I kept note to talk to him later about MP duty since I still want to do it, just not now. So, I left the chapel and low and beheld (yes indeed beheld) there was that jack donkey...okay he does have a name but I have this feeling I should protect his identity (what if his name is not even his name?) so I'll just henceforth refer to him as "The Spy". He motions me over.
"Change of plans. One of us is leaving in a body bag."
"(Alarmed) A bit drastic isn't it?"
"Eh, it'll happen eventually, but at the right moment, is the perfect time for escape. Our first plan would've been too risky because it involved commandeering. We don't want them to track us and add stealing on top of going AWOL."
"Oh, yeah, well that makes sense. Great, I'll have a way if I decide to help, to leave and return while you guys go on your merry way...but who's dead? Isn't that a bit suspicious?"
"Naw, they have to transfer bodies from the morgue to the grave."
"Hmm...so why would you still need me?"
"Here's the deal, with this new plan we actually wouldn't need you, but I have to know your answer. We think you'd be perfect for our group -you seem to have a pretty strong belief about this war even though you claim you're just searching for answers."
"By sabotaging the military...?"
"Oh no, the military is just a venue. It provides the best opportunity to travel abroad and spread our message, any way we can."
"Who's this 'we' you speak of? I'd like to know what vice I'm dealing with before picking my poison..."
"(Laughs) Fair enough. We're AMA, a branch of a much larger group with a similar name..."
"(I'm fairly certain he means more and is trying to choose his words wisely, but what need do I have for wise-ness? Spit it out, man! But instead, I ask) What do you mean by that?"
"It's complicated. The larger group is known as AMA by our group, but a different name by a different group. We only get to know our affiliations and they, theirs. Only select few know EVERY group and the true leaders at the top."
"Hmmm, ah, I do know what you're talking about -and this group/movement is big enough to make the claim that there are no (formal/real) leaders and fluid enough to mean all things to all people...so the only difference between that shadow puppet and the current politics' shadow government is the types of people willing to move along some cause or other...no snark intended."
"...None taken...well, yeah, I guess you could look at it like that...But our [group's] objective is simple: How can we really stop a war? We rally and hold so many demonstrations yet the government does what the government does. Instead, we target the Real leaders -he who has wealth has power. And so the more of us go abroad and convince their leaders not to allow our business over, and put pressure about us following our own international laws we sanction on EVERYONE else, the more our own government is held accountable by our people. Our different groups are targeting multiple problems concurrently."
"(*FINALLY! Attacking the problems concurrently!!! Instead, I reply) I'm glad you have faith in the human...ability to suddenly become enlightened because of this supposed...shut down (it will have to come to that ~ shocking into action might be one of the few solutions we have left *very sad face). Don't you think that it will only result in more fear and confusion? Fear has always been used to control the masses to believe and (essentially) destroy that which is 'sacred', some silly idea like freedom...or something...not being cynical, or anything."
"I understand your skepticism. Allies are essential, and you don't seem like the lone-wolf type. You're also really skilled and intelligent --just know the offer's still on the table." And with that, we part.
I'm really reconsidering purchasing a laptop now because if this fool can learn about me without a laptop (yet not enough about the group he's in), they'll certainly have a field day if I do get one. I have too many questions about their secret transparency and ulterior motive/s but who am I to judge these guys and their group? I simply don't have time to get involved (and be associated) with something like this: one complication at a time, P L E A S E.
It began raining pretty hard in the evening, making it easier for me to be distracted from the lecture. Before class ended however, our professor told us that we were going to have to pass the "real situation test" in order to graduate from his class at least. It was unusual since these days using simulation is all the rage. But that was the break I needed: the "real situation test" consisted of helping an injured soldier (ranging on the seriousness and type of wound) and getting them to the hospital by air. Well, that was the basic premise -of course they'll throw in "what ifs" and they'll grade by what course of action you take. "Lucky" break indeed...